A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:god were do i start iv been with my partner for the past 7 years, i have two girls from a previous partner which he totaly accepts as his own, my only problem is we started to drift apart. i love him to bits but emotianaly hes not there weve talked about it and talked about it and still its the same so this week weve decided to have a break so hes moved home for a week or two or for a while any way.the biggest problem is he has no motivation to better himself in any way shape or form and you can only try build some one up before its starts to get you down. iv decided to go back to collage and hes scared now that because im doing this that i will leave him and meet some one else which would never happen.dont get me wrong iv also added to the problem iv totally cut myself off from him as its the only way to stop myself from being hurt any more than i am and its only added to him thinkin i dont care about him and im gonna leave him. im not the easyest person to talk about things like this with so that dosnt help. so any way were on a break and i dont know were to go from here and sugestions or advice woud help greatly thanks
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female
reader, smitheroon  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 Hi, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It can be hard for one partner in a relationship to cope with the other person growing and changing. Sometimes we're more scared of success in our life than we are of failure. Failure can feel familiar and success often means change, which is always scary. Your partner needs to be an encourager and uplifter, and you're right, you can't change who he is for him. He needs to take responsibility for his own life and emotions. It sounds like he's already setting himself up for failure by assuming that you're going to better yourself and leave him. He probably doesn't even realize that the very thing he wants (a life with you) is what he's destroying by his attitude. He needs to seek counseling and build a life of his own as well. What motivates him and makes him happy? Why is he stagnating and feeling threatened by your movement in life? First of all, open yourself back up to him. If you love him and want this to work, then realize that change doesn't happen quickly. Secondly, tell him that the only way doubt is removed is by action. He needs to find a way to have meaning and goodness in his life so that he's not scared by your change. This will mean he needs to seek counseling or find a better job or whatever - something that really motivates him to get out of bed and love life in the morning. YOU cannot do this for him, but if he loves you and wants a relationship with you then he's just going to have to prove it to you.
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