A
male
age
41-50,
*ootcormie4789
writes:I have been married for 2 years and with my spouse all together for 3 years. I have a child from a previous relationship that I took sole custody of. She has a daughter from a previous marriage. The first year that we were together was amazing. We were completely head over hills for each other. She treated my son better than I could have ever imagined. Two months after marriage, our relationship started getting hard. She started treating my son differently by favoring her daughter and pushing him off. The emotional and intimate areas of our relationship started dissapearing. Now 2 years into the marriage, I'm completely feeling like this has turned into a convienience relationship. She now has a stable home, doesn't have to work, and pretty much has it made. I work very hard to provide for my family but feel completely unappreciated. As of now... I Work and Pay Bills and She takes care of the home.. THATS IT.. There is no intimacy in our relationship, I feel like my son is an inconvience to her, The "I LOVE YOU's" have become the usual Hi and Bye. I'm not sure what to do. I have tried consistently to talk to her but it always ends with a door slammed in my face and a pissed off wife for days. I'm contemplating divorce. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2009): I just came across this column and have to interject that your key words are that she "was an alcoholic and did drugs". I am just divorcing my second alcoholic husband and know all to well the great intentions they have. My first lasted 10 years and this one 15. I only entered the second one because I believed that he "had been an alcoholic". What I've learned is that there is no such thing as "was an alcoholic". They may become sober, but are always an alcoholic. I also learned it is a "thinking disease with a drinking consequence" as is any addiction. I don't know the right answer for you but I know their behavior can change quickly and become unrecognizable from the person you thought you married. I also know how it is to love them with all of your heart and want to spend your life with them. Sometimes,though, for your sake and that of the children, it is painful, but best to move on. You will never be No. 1 and the drifting apart will continue. Even if they are in recovery, it is not easy or any guarantee of success. My soon to be ex-husband is already living with another smart, successful woman and I wonder how long it will be until she knows the truth.
Best wishes to you in making the right choice for your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): I have been there... and she is shutting down for a reason. She is saying there is nothing wrong and for her that may suffice. But, try saying it from a nother perspective (which worked well on me).. It may be fine for you but it's not for me. I don't like this aspect of our relationship etc.when you change how you state things it gives it different meaning.example..when you ask if everything is ok... "i feel as though your saying its all me.. and would bring me down".on the other hand "if you say, I am not happy! and this is why. This has to change, I need it to change, I WANT US TO BE HAPPY TOGETHER.. well that rings true a differnt meaning.
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A
male
reader, bootcormie4789 +, writes (25 June 2009):
bootcormie4789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand that counseling would be the answer... I have offered it to her in the past. For some reason or another.. She feels there is nothing wrong. Everything is perfect for her and when I try to gently talk to her about my feelings.. she shuts down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): I do believe couseling is the best option... and since it is not offered through your company.. there may be some ways to get it through your local community or like you said through your church. I really have to agree with peter that something has changed... and until she speaks to you about it you both are going to remain in pain.i really hope you are able to work this out for your sake and the children's.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): Sometimes... (its hard to love another child as your own)... but in all relationships expecially yours children come first... and she has opted to take on the role of mom to your son. There is no excuse for treating a child differently like that. NONE. she sounds like the type of person who needs it told straight ... along the lines of we either get couseling and help or its done... no break no if this and that.. but done.why? because your son does not need to have two women in his life who are not in his life. Not to mention one that emotionally abuses him and that my dear is exactly what it is.I don't recommend divorce right off the bat... but she needs to be told the truth out right..and couseling has to be a key, other wise divorce may be the only answer.
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A
male
reader, bootcormie4789 +, writes (25 June 2009):
bootcormie4789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much peterpan for the advice. I'm the kind of person that will do everything in my power to make something work. I brought her to church to seek guidance. I'm not sure if it is because when she met me she was an alcoholic and did drugs, and decided to quit everything for a family. I just really don't know. I would love to seek out counseling but my company does not offer health benefits. I can't afford that sort of option.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (25 June 2009):
 Look, as a divorced guy myself... and knowing first hand how much pain is associated with it, I highly recommend not jumping into this without exhausting all avenues. The one thing that you didn't explicitly mention was seeing a therapist or marriage counselor... simply put, something has changed -- resentment toward you, her life, some unfulfilled aspiration... something... and if you want to rescue what you had, then that's got to come out into the open. If she's not feeling up to speaking with you directly, then maybe she will in some kind of therapy setting.
If that fails, then yes... divorce is an option that you better consider... I just don't like to hear of couples giving up immediately.
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (25 June 2009):
Don't allow yourself to be used, you are a better person than that.It seems really fast for a marriage to go downhill. Possibly she married you for the security and nothing else. I hope that's not the case, but if you've tried talking to her before and she just gets angry then that's probably the case.Since you have no children together, and you've only been married for 2 years her chance of you having to financially support her are minimal.I would leave her and move on. You can find someone else who appreciates you and what you have to offer.
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