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female
,
anonymous
writes: Basically, I have been seeing a guy for 6 weeks. Due to work, kids, and the hobby commitments I only get to see him once a week. During the rest of the time he texts me but never rings. I know he's single as I've met his eldest daughter who lives with him, and spent the night at his home. But I don't feel I'm in any sort of relationship and I want more, maybe more than he's willing or able to give. Help please.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (28 August 2005):
 The reason that you don't feel you have a relationship, is that you don't have one. Woman, you've only been seeing him, by your own admission, six times! You're still at the "getting to know each other's middle names/tattoos/favourite song" stage of dating.
I think you're expecting way too much at this early time. Slow down, get to know him. Don't try to rush things into a "relationship" before you've even gotten to know each other as friends! Ask yourself why you're pushing for "commitment" after just six weeks? Commitment to what? Another six dates? What are you afraid will happen?
Drop the intensity down a notch (or three), or you're going to have this man running away from you. Relax! Getting into a long-term relationship takes... well, the long-term. If he's unwilling to demonstrate any commitment to being with you after, say, six months, maybe you have a legitimate concern, but after this period of time, you're risking just coming off as desperate... and with all the personality of a steamroller. I'm sure you're not that, so just pull back a bit and focus on finding out who this man is first.
Maybe you need to re-assess your other priorities, too. You only see him once a week because of "hobby commitments"? That seems like kind of a low priority, particularly when you're pushing him to show some devotion to you.
Re-read your own letter, as if it was written by a stranger, and think about the contradiction in what you're looking for. Then you can decide what you really need, as distinct from what you think you want.
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