A
male
age
41-50,
*aralyzed
writes:Been with her for a 1 1/2 years. She has broken up with me at least 12 times. I leave her alone and she comes crawling back, calling, texting, emailing, until I agree to see her. We end up back together everytime. Then when we are back together she gives me a hard time about how often I went out with friends, want's to know how many girls I met etc. Then we fight and the cycle starts again. I know this is not healthy for me, or for her. But, I do love her very much. I know a lot of people here will tell me i'm an idiot, I realize how bad it looks. But, how do I get over someone I love, whether i should love her or not, I do. She also pressures me for major commitments when we get back together. Moving in together, booking trips months ahead. How can I do these things when it's so unstable. Then, she gets angry because I wont commit. Give me some advice please.No we aren't teenagers, we are both adults in our early thirties.
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male
reader, Horne  +, writes (21 January 2009):
The fact that insecurity is at work here is apparent. What isn't apparent is whether other things are as well. Her behavior is suggestive of something more than just jealousy or insecurity. You know the cycle by now. Stop it in it's tracks. Tell her she has to get some counseling or maybe even an evaluation before you will be with her again.
I've seen this kind of behavior before and the man was bi-polar. If you want stability in your relationship, it's going to be up to you to create it. Taking her back and repeating the same vicious cycle over and over isn't healthy for you or her, and definitely is not the basis for long term things. Get some help if you really love her.
If nothing else, a professional can help her find the root cause of the insecurity and work out ways for both of you to approach the problem in ways that you can't.
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (21 January 2009):
 Hi there, I would very much agree with the advice already given and ask that you visit: www.socyberty.com/writers/quiet+voice.8137, look for the title, "Letting Go: Stop Chasing Ghosts". This article may give you a better perspective as to what is going on in your relationship. Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): What is wrong with her is that she has deep emotional problems that you nurture by taking her back every time. Your relationship is like a rollercoaster. It is definitely affecting you now and in time. You must convince yourself that it's an unhealthy and unwise connection and let go. When you are tempted to take her back think hard and strong about how you suffered when she left and how you can't embrace a new, fresh and healthy start while you are stuck on her. Some people do have a hard time saying "no" to others. You must work on that and be more firm in your decision. Let your reason conquer. Read about how relationships are supposed to be. All that is commonly thought of as "normal" may appear to you idealistic but it is not. I doubt you love her, you are merely used to her and love the idea of her. It's time to take your stand. Write down your most unpleasant memories related to her and your relationship and optionally the good parts. The comparison is not the main purpose of this exercise. You should be able to recall those nasty memories and feel them as very recent next time she comes to you again and be able to say "no". They should stop you from making a rash decision. You can at this very moment take the necessary step of letting go and maybe tell her it's a temporary break until she solves her problems. This clearly will take much time and is not very probable as such matters are deep rooted, but you are in your right to seek better. You will have to find the inner strength to do this and look forward to the long term gains. If I think you can do it, you should, too. We are stronger than we think. To understand why you tolerate this behaviour and welcome her back every time can be as complex an issue and can require as much attention. All the best.
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A
female
reader, shiraz  +, writes (21 January 2009):
youve done the right thing by leaving her alone in the past, you should carry on this only next time when she pesters you keep on ignoring her. i know its hard but you have to almost isolate her from your life, in order for you both to move on. what you have in a relationship together has no future, i think deep down you know that. rather than carrying on the cycle put a complete stop to it, no matter how much she begs and pleads you have to be the strong one and stand your ground. its hard but something you need to do, for both of you. by the way i dont think she has any right to be angry at your 'lack of commitment' shes there one minute and gone the next! your completely right its an unhealthy relationship thats come to an end a long time ago. now you have to give it that last push away.
your both adults as you say and you need to start a future for yourself in a relationship with genuine people, a stable happy relationship that has a future. its not right for you to carry on as things are, they will only continue and progress into things a lot worse.
take action now, no matter how hard remind yourself your reasons for doing it.
when you love someone you do stupid things, forgivness comes easy and a 'fresh begining' comes around repeadidly, your not on your own there and i dont think anyones going to judge you on that. you do seem to love her so this will be hard but if you love her as much as you say then you should really do this. your putting an end to something thats already over, you just need to finalise it.
Best of luck xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): you know, she maybe in her thirties but is surely behaving like a teenager. No offense, but i don't think she is in deeply in love with you. I am in love with someone and everytime we get a fight, I give in so as so avoid major distances cropping between us. It seems that its only you who is making compromises. To my opinion, she is very unsure about your relationship. Maybe when she leaves you, she comes back as she realise that she will not be getting anyone else. And the way she urges you to make commitments is the only method for her to make herself understand that once the commitment made, she will have to adjust with you.
That was quite a long answer.. Maybe you will feel that I am completely wrong, but believe I went through the same situation some years back.....
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