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male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Have been dating for over 3 years, we clicked in more than one way and we're fond of each other. We're both 26 and haven't had sex yet (both virgins) . It's likely she hasn't ever had an orgasm or done much "exploration" on her own either. I have talked to her about this many times, both when I was being an immature prick under the feeling of rejection and also when I wisened up to have a heart to heart talk about making love.She's ok with a bit of play and a lot of kissing but that quite literally gets me blue balled since she never goes any further. When I talk about moving forward she just keeps quiet and stares back at me blankly. It feels like one sided communication and I have no idea how to crack past that.After 3 years, feelings of failure and rejection and "what if" are starting to rise and I have no idea what options I have left, communication even when gentle is often one way, I would like to take a step forward with her but she's unreadable and her unwillingness to participate is really starting to hurt. Our history involved a 2 week breakup after 2 years because of this reason. She begged me to get back together again and I agreed, on the condition that things had to change. After a few months of nothing (unrelated to sex) I almost blew my top and she quickly sought to take action after several months of ducking her responsibilities. Unless I'm driven up a wall it appears as though nothing ever is forthcoming of her, and I'm not about to get rapey, so what options do I have besides forcing her (no way) and leaving (I care for her enough to try again).
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male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (28 December 2017):
I'm concerned that she will give into your desires just to keep your relationship going. But then at some point (such as after you are married) will pull back to her old ways and not want it. I'm also concerned that she stares at you blankly when you want to have a serious conversation about a serious relationship matter. I'm not sure what her excuse is for depriving your relationship of sex, but it would have to be an awfully good one - one that I can't even imagine - to make me continue down the road with her. And you aren't even getting an excuse of any sort.
A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (27 December 2017):
Seriously. Two grown adults cannot communicate about their needs. You say you have expressed your needs and she cannot use the words required to tell you what hers are, or her reservations as such. This woman may have had serious trauma that is true but after three years of no progress in trust or communication you are not being an understanding boyfriend you are just a guy on the outside. I think if you want you life to be one of trying to fix a woman who may not even want to be fixed then carry on. If you want a relationship of equals then look elsewhere. Sorry.You have repeatedly expressed how unhappy you are with the status quo. What partner won't even engage with you about how to set that straight, or if it isn't- set you free?
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (27 December 2017):
 No one ever owes another person sex if they don't want to have it, but I think after 3 years of no sex she at least owes it to you to explain WHY sex is off the table and what the end game is here.
If she's waiting for commitment (and some women definitely do) it is on you to either step up or move on. But if that's the case it's odd that she hasn't simply told you she wants to wait till engagement/marriage/etc.
If she has body image issues or issues with past abuse, she may need professional help coping. In that scenario it would not be reasonable for you to make continuing the relationship contingent on an immediate change of tune about sex, but rather contingent upon your partner actively seeking the help she needs to address the issues that are keeping sex off the table so that going forward it becomes a possibility.
What it's NOT fair for her to do is keep you in a sexless relationship indefinitely and refuse to communicate about why that is. If you can't make progress with her on this issue, it may be time to tactfully part ways with her and look for a partner whose views on the subject more closely match your own.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 December 2017):
 This is unusual enough to go looking for other causes. Without communication on her part the future is bleak.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 December 2017):
 What is her reasoning for no sex?
Religious reasons? Waiting for marriage? Cultural background?
Was she abused? (can be non-sexual abuse as well)
Is she perhaps Asexual? As in she doesn't even consider SEX a necessity, she like the romance, the kissing but the idea of two naked bodies etc. is just not something she want or can imagine.
Or is she perhaps on a spectrum? I know some people don't like the idea of "sharing bodily fluids and find the actual idea of sex gross.
She might not want you to see her naked. Body issues.
She might not even know.
BUT after 3 years you need to decide if you want to be in a sexless relationship and maybe further down sexless marriage...
Or if you despite loving and caring for her, want MORE from a relationship.
For someone who is a "normal" girl in her 20's it's RARE that she isn't even curious. So my guess is there is a reason why and she hasn't shared that with you.
And IF she can not tell you why or she doesn't know then what? Well, things won't change. If she in 3 YEARS having wanted to explore she probably isn't going to want to any time soon, if at all.
Sorry.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 December 2017):
You never said if she's waiting for marriage or not. If she's waiting for marriage maybe consider whether or not you'd actually marry her. If so, why not take a step in that direction?
If it's simply here being afraid then I'd suggest telling her, quite simply, that you can't continue having a celibate relationship, so she should go to counseling to help her cope with the idea of having sex. If she doesn't you'll leave. Hold her get to the flame.
The reality is that sometimes there is no easy choice: you might have to move on because of this. Sex is not something you want to miss out on.
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