A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 20 and I'm stuck in a situation where I've been emotionally abused by my dad for a few years now, even though it's not that he wants me out of the house, he just uses me as a verbal punching bag every other day.It just comes naturally to him to always blame me, to find reasons why I must be doing things wrong, tearing me down, etc. I've realised now, after talking it through with two counsellors, that I can't change him because he's in denial about it and all my mum can do is talk to him each time, but it doesn't fix or improve anything. I'd like to move out but I have no way to support myself yet. My mum has convinced my dad to pay their joint money for a course for me to go on that I wanted because I was really ill around the year for my qualifications and I didn't get to learn what I needed to do them, so I wanted to 'specialise' in a qualification now that most people don't have to make me a bit employable. That's when the emotional abuse got worse, when I got ill and it took a toll on everyone and my dad never seemed to realise that it wasn't my fault and I've been trying for the last three years to make him proud of me with my non-paid work that I've been doing in the meantime, but it doesn't work. Anyway, I feel beaten down so much but then I also feel trapped because I couldn't financially support myself. How do I deal with his shots at me whilst I'm trying my best to prepare myself for a stable chance when I can move out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2015): I don't see how I can help myself out of the situation in any other way than I'm planning to, if I can't afford to support myself with any bills without a job and those jobs want at least basic qualifications? I'm working towards qualifications to get a job, so that I can move out and support myself. Doesn't that contradict your 'you have the capability of helping yourself out of this but the mindset you have is keeping you from being able to do so. So you have to change the mindset and not keep doing the same things over and over again' comment??
I had people in school and college who were sort of friendly, but it never grew into a friendship; they never really seemed interested when I'd ask to meet up, like they had enough friends or things going on. So, no I don't really have any friends I can move in with, most of the people I knew have gone to different universities around the uk anyway.
I looked into house shares in and around my area because I'd be fine with just having a small room but they all said 'professionals only' were the people they wanted sharing their house with.
Selective hearing sounds like it's worth a shot, thankyou; I'm trying to build myself up and I need to find a way to shield myself from someone who is tearing me down, whether deliberate or just natural behaviour toward me..
Also I never did voluntary work just to try to please him; I did it to show him I was still putting the effort into jobs albeit unpaid, as well as creating things I could put on my CV, but it appears that basic qualifications trump unpaid work experience, which is why I'm so focused on specialising in something that may give me an edge.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 January 2015):
 I googled and found an researcher who suggests ways to cope with verbal abuse: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/somatic-psychology/201205/escape-emotionally-and-verbally-abusive-father
The author's name referenced in the article is Patricia Evans and you can view the US amazon page here: http://www.amazon.com/Patricia-Evans/e/B001JPCCWY/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1
Here's the amazon.co.uk page for one particular book that sounds like what you are asking us amateur agony aunts to help with:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Recognize-Respond/dp/1440504636/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421268028&sr=8-1&keywords=patricia+evans
I personally would spend less time in the house and would grow selectively deaf to irrational harangues but obviously you are struggling with that.
Put all your focus on doing what you need to do to get out of the house with gaining qualifications for a job. If you didn't finish school then it's time to do so.
And let go of trying to impress him with non-paid work; obviously that's not working so expecting him to suddenly morph into your cheerleader is unrealistic.
Are you socially isolated as well? Many people your age who aren't going to school find work and move in with their friends. Why is that not an option?
It's understandable that you feel anger toward your father (and your mother for not being able to deal with it effectively in your eyes) for this but you are burying the rage into depression and inertia. (That's the "learned helplessness." Which was not an attack on you, it was meant to help you recognize a syndrome you seem to be experiencing, to my amateur agony aunt's untrained opinion.
I'm guessing the illness is depression and/or anxiety which is why your Dad is raging at you; he assumes that you can 'snap out of it' with little effort. Obviously, this isn't happening. You don't have the ability to control your Dad's behavior, you can only change yours and your attitude to the problem is the first one to tackle.
Now, I expect that what I've written here will not coincide with what is in the books by this author.
You will have to do your own homework on this, so please do read the books.
If you come back and say you have no way to purchase the book then you will have to use some of your time figuring out how to do so.
You have the capability of helping yourself out of this but the mindset you have is keeping you from being able to do so. So you have to change the mindset and not keep doing the same things over and over again....
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2015): I can't move out yet, honestly. If I could support myself, and I'm talking basic shelter and minimal bills, I would, but I really can't get a job until I get qualifications. I've had to be very practical about it. I can walk half an hour or more to work, so I have that radius to work with. There are no jobs in that area that will take me over someone with basic qualifications. That's what I'm stuck with, which is why im focusing on my course while I can get it from my parents for free. If I leave now, I'll be homeless because I have nothing to offer an employer and have no friends or family who can take me in for a while.
That's why my question is so basic: how do I deal with the shots he takes at me while I have to stay here?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2015): Many people spend their lives searching in vain for what you are asking. Don't wait until you are too old to find a better way. Think about cutting ties from this toxic person now and before you waste your life trying in vain to placate someone who will not be placated. The fact he treats you brothers well while heaping abuse on you is proof he knows the difference between right and wrong and chooses to do wrong by you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2015): You don't qualify for Childline after 18, they pass you on to Samaritans, but they haven't been able to help me because I'm still reliant on my parents for college courses.Without qualifications, I can't get a job, I've honestly tried and they've all said they can't because there are people with qualifications and-or paid job experience, which I can't get if nobody will give me a paid job. That's why I'm trying to focus on my qualifications because the one I'm currently doing is one that most people don't think of and therefore wouldn't have that on their CV. I'm not giving up hope here, I'm just asking how to avoid his shots at me until I can move out and support myself.He's not foreign and he's not a traditionalist. It's not about my gender, it's about him blaming me for most of the things that go wrong, whether it's related to me or not.I don't feel comfortable talking about my illness because the type of illness it is isn't relevant to the story. It didn't put a financial burden on my family, my dad just never understood it and never tried. He's not an asshole because he helps people at work, but he has a quick temper at home and 90% of the time it's aimed at me. We've had countless 'family meetings' over the years to try to find out why, but he never says or doesn't know, so we are stuck with it as it is because he won't go to anger management or any form of counselling, even when I asked if he'd come with me to one of my sessions, but he said he didn't want to 'air his laundry' to a stranger.Since I know all this, that's why I'm just asking how to deal with it in the least damaging way to me as possible??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): No wait try here.
http://www.lightshouse.org/#axzz3OkFIXVX9
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 January 2015):
Dear OP, your followups clarify that your father has been abusive to you while being lenient toward his sons. What is his background? His culture?
He could be struggling with coping with being a foreigner in a strange land, he could be-as you've depicted him here-a flaming asshole with no regard to the well-being and health of his daughter.
It does sound as though you will need outside intervention to deal with this home situation. So please go here: http://www.childline.org.uk/Talk/Pages/ContactingChildLine.aspx and engage the counselors there. Your age is 18-21 so you still qualify.
What is your illness?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): Sounds like this guy has Narcissistic personality disorder. Check this site out:http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (13 January 2015):
It sounds as though maybe you had depression or a similar illness though if Im wrong then forgive me. Some people seem to think that if something isnt physical, then it is imagined or faked and this is ignorant not to mention very inaccurate.Your counsellors should have at least helped you with your thoughts and reactions whenever your father says these things. Did either of them try to help you to see it from a different angle? For example, your father says these things because he sees that you are making changes, this reflects badly on him as he isnt changing his own situation/issues therefore he is feeling insecure? I would talk to your counsellor (again) about the effect this is having on you, they will surely suggest something helpful. I agree with getting a part time job (if you are able for it) and you might be able to save faster so that your plans can become a reality sooner rather than later. This is emotional abuse and having been through something similar I hope that my advice has been somewhat helpful. Best of luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): Why doesn't your mother intervene during these attacks? Does she too receive this verbal-abuse? It doesn't make sense that she allows it to continue, if she sees the toll it's taking on you. Could it be that she agrees with him to some degree?
You don't mention whether your father drinks. What brings on all this anger and attacks on your feelings? I think he is over-emphasizing his disappointment; because he sees his own failures. I suspect he thinks you're faking your illnesses, and he's pushing you to get a job.
The best remedy to ending abuse, is getting away from the source. He seems backward in his thinking; so he can't understand your working without being paid. You can't win his approval; so stop trying and focus on your goals.
I recommend that you find yourself a part-time job. You have to get work experience somehow. You also have to earn money for your own support. Your father may feel too pressured trying to support the family while he's aging.
The job of a mother is to intervene when the father is being excessively brutal with the children. I believe he is of an old-school of thought, chauvinistic in his approach to women; and he feels that you should be working and not attending school. Maybe he feels you ought to be able to handle both. Old traditional fathers also get frustrated when you haven't been married-off. I sense some "cultural" issues here. He sounds like a father brought-up under very old traditions. You are leaving out so much!
What kind of illness did you suffer? When you leave out details, you limit our ability to offer you sound advice. If you aren't working, how are you saving money to move out?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): Also I read up about learned helplessness and you are dismissing my problem as something I can solve right this minute. If I can't afford to move out, I am stuck. That is not learned helplessness, that is genuinely stuck for the foreseeable future while trying to improve my prospects enough to leave this situation.My two doctor recommended free counsellors, since I can't afford 50 pounds an hour, did the eight sessions available with me, which was their set limit even when I asked for more help, and that was it, they just listened, 'hummed and harred', did three 'emotional abuse and distress' tests, which I scored very high on, and told me I couldn't support myself financially, so I couldn't move out, and I couldn't make my dad realise it is emotional abuse because he won't even accept it now that my mum realises it is and tells him that it's not ok to do it. If you think that's learned helplessness, I don't know what you'd consider actually being stuck in this situation. Being physically held captive maybe??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): This afternoon, I came back from a lesson I had and he flipped out at me for leaving dirty plates and cups around the house, calling me lazy and a slob who hasn't done anything with my life and still isn't. I tried to tell him that it was clear when I left for my lesson, he ignored me, until my mum came downstairs and said it wasn't there when she took me. He didn't apologise, just told me to clear it up. It would be my brothers' stuff, they are 17 and 13. I clean it up to avoid him saying anything else, but my family inside my house say it's like me being around just angers him sometimes. Half of the time it's just digs about me and how I haven't been able to get a job, the fact that my illness has caused stress on my mum. It's like I'm a trigger to him as the root of most of the family problems, no matter how unrelated they are to me. For example, most people ask "what happened?" if something minor has happened, he automatically starts asking what I could have done wrong, even if I wasn't the only one in the room or even if I wasn't in the room, he naturally assumes it was my fault. Other times he just snaps and I'm usually getting the brunt of it whether it has anything to do with me or not.I have issues with myself because I've had so many difficulties so far, but I'm trying to make positive steps to give myself a chance, but with someone where you live constantly putting you down. I don't want to rely on others to feel like I'm worth something, but most people do get affected to varying degrees by what people close to them think and it's like I'm trying to take one step at a time to finally start making up for all of the times I've been put down by people who didn't/don't understand the issues I have, including my dad.It's a toxic environment for me but I think moving out would just set me further back because it would show me how useless I really am at the moment. The only reason I can't move out is financial because I'd be able to look after myself and I'd find a way to continue the course I'm doing to make me more employable and to have something to put on my CV other than my volunteering, but finances are obviously the first step of moving out and being able to support yourself.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 January 2015):
Also, please research "learned helplessness." I suspect that you may be repeating behavioral patterns that no longer serve you and you need to break free.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 January 2015):
Let's take this one step at a time.
You have 2 counselors and neither has offered help in this regard? Take it up with them ASAP.
You can't change him, so all you can change is your reaction to this.
Give us something he said tonight and let's see if we can't formulate a response.
In other words, let's role play. You be him and we'll be you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): Focus on the goal and tell yourself that this too shall pass.
Distance yourself from the situation and save your energy. Whatever you do don't get into arguments with him. Stay calm and firm and don't budge.
You need to show (to yourself in the first place and then him) that you are strong.
Don't play his games. You're almost out of his reach.
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