A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Like the story seems to so often go .... i was dating this guy and we were also becoming great friends as well as a growing romantic interest. Basically we were having loads of fun he introduced me to all his friends and met mine as well as our families then boom- when I wanted to clarify the relationship i.e. discover if it was going somewhere he started acting stupid. I saw him less and less he began talking to me more and more first by phone and then via texts and IM's and then slowly stopped that. I found it painful because although he knew he hurt me he didn't explain why and actually pretended nothing had changed. Also if he was unready or had suddenly gotten cold feet I was unhappy about the romance ending without explanation but I decided I could accept that and that I liked him enough to remain friends if that is what he wanted. But beyond some very kind and thoughtful friendship moves ... i.e. bring a gift visiting me in hospital the only contact we had were fewer and fewer calls then messages Making general excuses that he was way busy and had problems he was sorting and couldn't talk about it blah blah. It was him that changed the mode of communication to more and more distant means I never chased him ... I just let him make the moves and he basically slowed it down to nothing. That hurt but what hurt more was not really knowing why he began distancing himself and despite the fact that he was very aware he hurt and was hurting me he didn't bother or 'want' to talk about it or at least tell me where he was at so we could move on from there somehow. So I figured he wasn't ready for a relationship and we weren't 'the friends' that he said we were and moved on. Then out of the blue he calls. Twice I missed both but after the second one I decided to ring back . I was friendly and just told him general things about my life he asked lots of questions and went on and on about how busy he has been with the new job. A bit too much really. Some of it was bragging but it seemed that he went on and on about how he ONLY works and has barely enough time to sleep etc etc was getting someone to help him soon etc etc. it was as if he was making excuses as to why he hadn't been in touch. I really didn't comment other than to congratulate him on his success in new job and listen. He then mentioned an email I had sent which he tried to say I had told him I would call... again I said um... I don't remember that (basically cuz it didn't happen!). Basically I kept the conversation short discussed some things about friends and family he knew and he had asked about but then was interrupted by a family situation and told him sorry had to go nice talking to him whereas he said ...hey lets stay in touch..'click'. Sorry about the looooonng background but here is my question.... Did I do the right thing? That is instead of telling him that first his words cut off the romance and then his disappearing act coupled with his non-communication when we did speak it was more like discussing the weather . Basically his non-action cut off the friendship and that if he wanted to reconnect he needed to make some effort and explanations were in order if he really wanted to be 'friends'. I think I should of said that but I didn't feel angry when I spoke with him although he was deliberately making an attempt at stupid excuses. The fact is he was with a 'couple of friends' when he called me and there is no way he didn't have time in the last month to call and say SORRY I"M SO BUSY I MISS YOU blah blah ... obviously he just wasn't interested enough or got too scared to maintain the relationship when we got close . For a month the communication reduced and then I hadn't heard a thing from him for at least a month when he called. When he asked, I told him I had been socializing a lot which is true , it is the holiday season here and I didn't specifically say I was dating but I am dating a few people just having fun nothing serious. But I wonder if I let myself down by not telling him straight that he acted stupidly and I moved on or at least I'm on my way ? He seemed to be a little hurt that I had been on holiday and asked me specifically if I was staying in touch with other friends naming them... I said yes. But seriously those guys are gay and he and I were dating. Its different. The fact is he was a great friend and looked to be a great boyfriend and then just 'pretended' that we were not serious . We went from talking multiple times daily and seeing eachother 3 times a week to short texts then only non-communicative IMs than nothing.... so it is obvious he distanced himself I just can't understand why he is pretending NOTHING happened or that he suddenly really does care. Actually I felt or at least his tone was ... more like he was speaking to a penpal or an old friend that lived far away he decided to contact after a long time rather than someone he was close enough to that he shared all his thoughts , dreams and problems with on a daily basis. Obviously I was happy he was okay disinterested and non-believing of his excuses especially because he didn't clearly say.... Hey I dropped the ball and I miss you ... he just went on and on about his being busy and asking me loads of questions I was friendly and didn't want to act close when I don't feel it anymore and in fact was glad we were interrupted. The weird thing here is if he were a 'friend' I wouldn't think about the time in between communication but we were romantically involved and at that time he definitely seemed to want to continue an intimate relationship with a more 'casual but close friendship' I was quite clear at that point that I didn't want to sleep with him 'without lables' cuz I had feelings.. he faded away. I'm not saying that sort of relationship couldn't be a good one but ... we were already more serious than that and it was obvious that there were feelings of love on both sides. Sooo? I don't know if I will speak with him again basically I figure it is his move and I really don't expect him to do much but I'm wondering if I missed my chance of getting a 'real explanation' and getting back on track as friends or if he was just trying to see if I would talk to him so he could feel better about his dropping me and reassure himself there were no grudges. ???? HELL I DON"T KNOW LOL .... seriously for a long time ...I really wanted to know why he did what he did and I wanted him to be jealous and want me as a woman and a friend and if only friends man up at least and explain or apologize so we could be friends. Overtime I began to feel he was just immature and not ready and whilst that didn't make me feel good I moved on. As I write this I think about the fun times we had and that we could talk about anything and we shared so much.... and I am quite certain he misses that too . Most people would want to keep a close friendship like that even if they weren't ready for romance so what the heck is with this guy? I've honestly reflected on my feelings about him and they have changed.... I care about him as a person but I don't need him in my life he went MIA long enough and delibrately enough that I've lost respect for him a bit and not sure I would even feel the same about him as a friend at this point. The romance could of been salvaged and the friendship could of stayed if he had only 'talked' but he never did and I don't think that was were he was at when he called either. He seriously seemed to want to pretend an entirely new relationship that we were distant friends getting in contact lol My gf's told me if he called I should cut him off and if he was interested he'd make the effort and my guy friends told me whatever his issue he wasn't being a good boyfriend so MOVE ON. Instead he called me and first acted as if we lived 10000 miles apart and he was updating me and then very caringly asked about everyone and everything in my life tell I had to hang up WHY? I know that you don't have a crystal ball but does anyone have an educated guess as to what this guy wants? And if I should of been direct or just friendly and distant which was how I felt when we spoke? I did want in fact ached for an explanation before but had decided it wasn't going to happen so was surprised at the call. He didn't offer any real moves towards reconciling the friendship nor didn't really say he wanted to get together either so I don't think he was attempting a booty call. What I hate is the idea that he is playing games and somehow drags me into them. Thanks in advance for your advise and insights.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (27 September 2009):
 My guess is that he met someone else and that it hasn't worked out, and now he's attempting to open the communication lines with you again because he needs someone to fill his void if you're available and open to it. The way he brushed you off was low, not the fact that he didn't want a committed relationship, but that he didn't have the guts to talk to you about it and explain where you stood so that you could move on without any doubts about how he felt about you. I think you've behaved with a lot of dignity, plenty of people get justifiably angry when someone treats them with such disregard and then things often turn ugly. I think you deserve someone better than him. :)
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