A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I am a bit confused. There's this guy, we met about 7 months ago and the chemistry was amazing. Then he had to go home (we met while he was on vacation) but we've been keeping in touch via the net.I had plans to come visit him early next year (April or so) and he seemed stoked. One thing I've noticed is he has a tendency to disappear randomly. We'll be talking frequently, e-mailing, texting, calling, then all of a sudden he'll just stop. I generally let him have his space, and he comes back within 2-3 weeks. He always seems to have a rational excuse and I've come to accept it (for the most part; it still bothers me somewhat but I think he's worth waiting for so I'm dealing with it). The pattern is that he'll say something serious (e.g. I could see myself falling in love with you, he's spoken about the possibility of me meeting his mother when I visit) or something along those lines) and then BAM, nothing. Seems like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. As we get closer, the mixed signals kinda get more intense.My question is, am I reading too much into this? Does it even have anything to do with our complicated situation or is he just busy? I honestly don't know.Any help would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Hello again Anonymous,
Don't worry about phrasing things, it happens so easily for people to not quite see the full picture this way of communicating, as all human beings USE look, hear and see techniques when communicating so no problem. And no I don't think you have phrased things the wrong way - No one wants to condemn the guy, just it is YOU we are obviously considering ( from your view) as it's you on here asking.
I certainly wasn't suggesting this guy was some awful person who was making demands on your account, or even thinking of that..again this mode of communication, misses some the spaces in between two people and THEIR connection and expectations.
Now you have added he was in a four year relationship, where he obviously lived with someone, but ONLY parted from her just before you met, may well explain the HOT and COLD, vanishing acts. I have seen this in my work, and strangely it's more men than women that do this. Generally because females have better support network with female friends to off-load emotionally, and of course, men being taught NOT show emotion/open up. So, all I will say is, it's very early for him probably to be thinking or is able to get involved, guys do tend to take longer to get over a relationship ending, especially if cheating is involved. Can be as much as 3-5 years before they are really ready to open up again.
Ok you love travel - fine, but that still doesn't mean he can't come and see you. And this vanishing is NOT acceptable behaviour IF he considers he's in a relationship with you, but again, my senses are raising their ugly heads, and I now wonder if he just sees you as someone he met, had great chemistry, but NOT yet in a relationship so has a far more relaxed view on his vanishing - Just another thought for you.
Not sure I can add anything more, as you appear to want to explore this whatever, and therefore I shall wish you well and really hope this works out in the way your heart desires.
Jilly x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again Jilly,
He's 27 (I'm 24) and yeah, he's known his best friend since they were very very young. In answer to your question, he was in a previous relationship for 4 years, they split up late last year (a few months before we met) so he's done the relationship/living with significant other thing. I never really asked much what happened, his best friend told me they just grew apart and she eventually cheated on and left him.
The reason I'm going to see him is, simply because, I like to travel when I can and have never been to where he lives. He didn't ask me to, he did offer to pay part of my way and let me stay with him, and that's really all there is to it.
I just want to be clear that he has made absolutely no demands of me. He hasn't told me to stop seeing people, hasn't told me to spend my money or time on his account, and has actually been quite honest with me (and in response to one of the previous posters' response, I do know his address, that his phone is in his name, his mother's address even...so he hasn't been suspicious in that way). I feel like perhaps I phrased some things the wrong way or wasn't entirely clear with what I said, even though I think it's BS that he's doing this crap, he has been pretty consistent (consistently disappearing/reappearing, hah) and it's really more about me wondering what's up than me thinking that he's lying.
Thank you so much again for your insight!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): To the Original poster of the question. I feel my second response to your feedback/follow-up below, I may have misinterpreted what you had said which led me to think their was a big age difference - for which I apologize.
I like to be as accurate as I can, and if I have misread something, then I will say. However, EVEN if you are both the same age, I'm afraid nothing else changes, and my thoughts on this man remains exactly the same.
Jilly
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Thanks for feedback, but I had to reply to your second posting as I feel so strongly here - that you may be just MISSING something vital.
Quote: Yep Dear Jilly spot on, we haven't seen each other since. Then " Well I've spoken to his best friend of 20 years about it (who I'm also friendly with, met him at the same time), told him I was a bit worried about it, and he basically said "It's crappy but that's how he is. I've been his best friend for years and there are times when I won't hear from him for months at a time. He does this to everyone".
Friend of 20 years - so how old is this guy? Much older than you I'm presuming, unless this friend of his, has known him since he was 5 or 6..More alarm bells, not only at the age gap, if I'm right, but more so, that this guy you are so taken with ( two weeks of knowing him at most ) is PORTRAYING seriously dysfunctional friendship and relationship qualities. If his friend, is say this is how he is, he does this to everyone..Well ONLY because they allow this behaviour. And if you're suggesting, that because he treats everyone in his ' inner circle of close friends' like this..that's Ok, as it has nothing to do with what or who you, it's just him. That tells me VICTIM here.
You should not on any account encourage or condone his behaviour, if you do...no, sorry, you have, you have SET yourself a continuation of all this, and he won't change, is this what you want for a relationship?
And again, if I'm right about the age gap, has he ever been married, lived with someone..as I suspect he's unable to commit to anything..even grown up friendship with the same sex. These guys are very often charismatic, charming, plausible and irresistible, but equally shallow, and self-obsessed any one who as I say vanishes without saying anything is ONLY thinking about themselves.
And WHY do you have to go to him? What about him coming to see you where you live. It's all very loaded - If he was that keen he would be on a plane one free weekend and see you. He's not doing this. As for his friend you seem to have taken in as ' bosom buddy to confide in' be very careful, he has has known this man longer than you, and very unlikely to give you a TRUE picture on this guy.
Keep on meeting and dating other guys, in fact ensure you do, as my instincts tell me, whatever you find out favourable or otherwise, is NOT going to lead to what you would like. Of course no other guys compare - You are not allowing that to happen, because you are gap filling with them until you meet Mr. Unavailable again ( IF that ever happens) Why not ask him to come over to you next time he's free..but then I suspect, the excuses would be as long as the distance between you, can't afford it, too much on, already got something arranged then, family gathering that weekend, needed for work just can't get away then..the list will be endless, so I'm sure you've got the message what I think.
Entirely down to you now, you know what the consensus of opinion is, so if you go with this, you are walking right into this with open eyes...and you will only have yourself to question..he won't change!
And never wait for any guy, unless YOU are engaged to him. Never think you're having a relationship, or potential relationship with a man, who cannot make the effort to see you regardless of the distance, IF he can't do it now, then that too will never change - YOU will be the one to constantly TRY to fit in with him and do all the work.
Jilly
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your feedback everyone. Yep you're spot on, DearJilly, we haven't seen each other since. And I've waited so long to see him because I'm a college student as of right now the only time I can really get away is during my between-semester-gaps. We do live quite far from each other, on opposite sides of the country in fact, and yeah it is hard.
Now I don't want you to misunderstand, I've not cut out all contact with other men, I have gone on dates with other people, but the biggest problem is I find that all the guys I've met really don't seem to compare. On the other side of things, though, I do see why this should (and is) raising red flags. It's pretty sketchy, but I do have a tendency to overreact so I didn't know if this was one of those times or not.
Well I've spoken to his best friend of 20 years about it (who I'm also friendly with, met him at the same time), told him I was a bit worried about it, and he basically said "It's crappy but that's how he is. I've been his best friend for years and there are times when I won't hear from him for months at a time. He does this to everyone".
I think as you all have said, what I need to do is find out what he's hiding, if anything, and tell him it bothers me. We're not in an official relationship per se, so I felt that it wasn't appropriate for me to be demanding and say "Hey, pay attention to me!" but now I've realized that (even if he is worth it) nothing good will develop if we're not honest.
So thank you, I appreciate everyone's feedback.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 November 2010):
 I'm with olderthandirt on this one. Long silences usually mean another life, one involving another girl. Before confronting him, investigate him. Relationship status on Facebook, Intellius searches (which lists relatives including spouses), Myspace/Linkedin contacts, and other things that may come up in a search. Zabasearch.com could reveal his address, which can lead to property records. If he has a cell phone, look up the records to see whose name it's under.
It's NOT normal for someone, even a long distance relationship, to disappear like that unless there's something to hide. Find out what he's hiding, and don't put up with it for a second.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Ok..I'm pretty direct, as I like to give logical, practical and pragmatic advice, and not everyone expects that, so I will go through your posting, noting what I feel you may like to consider.
You met on vacation, a two week vacation I suppose? You don't say where you both live - the distance apart.
You also say he randomly vanishes ( for 2-3 weeks) that is some vanishing, what absolutely NO contact in that time? Whatever the explanation/EXCUSE is, to vanish WITHOUT any explanation before doing this, is just NOT acceptable, and not wise of you to have gone along with it, as this will tell him, you're basically accepting this behaviour. Giving him space - you already have enough space, you are NOT living in the same region. Surely that is enough space for anyone, if NOT, and he needs more - then you are NOT in a relationship that is portraying healthy signs!
Don't worry about what a guy says " I COULD see myself falling in love with you" Only actions are what you need to look out for - Words and Actions must match, otherwise you will be ' waiting' for a man, who can potentially say these things to you, without following it up, and you SIT behind your computer thinking he ' COULD ' fall in love with you. Only 'could' that would be a good sign for me to take leaps backwards along with the vanishing - and coming back when it suits him.
What do you really know of this guy, how many dates have you been on, how OFTEN do you see each other, NOT via a web-cam, or communicate by email, phone, but REAL LIVE person to person, where you can view for yourself his words and actions at first hand, and NOT what he says over the phone.
Not sure why, but I'm getting the feeling, you've had a vacation, met a guy, and in-between then and now, you've ONLY communicated via email, phone, internet..may be I'm wrong, but that is what I sense. If it were me, but then I'm very practical, I would be thinking this guy has another LIFE somewhere, as his behaviour of vanishing without word would being ringing alarm bells.
Lastly why are you waiting to April to visit him...How many miles apart are you...?? That is FIVE months away, and you're waiting for him.. My advice would be to talk to him about the long gaps of no communication, and tell him you are not happy with that, that you expect, quite normally, to have regular contact, as I assure you, no one is that busy they cannot find FIVE seconds to text, " Thinking of you, but busy right now. X" " How you doing? x" you have to take control instead of being pliable to keep him running hot and cold.
To be waiting for a guy after such a brief encounter( a vacation)is not sensible, as you don't even KNOW what or WHO you're waiting for. For that you need to date someone loads of times, at least a year, before you would wait and be exclusive. This is not a LDR where you have already dated, been together a couple of years, and his work, or yours has taken to different states.
Please consider this..even though I know you will find it hard, due to your feelings for him, but better to deal with this now, rather than 6, 12 months ahead when you've become so emotionally involved.
Good luck!
Jilly
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 Have you heard of bigomy? Investigate further(quietly) you may be in trouble...just a thought but better to err on the side of safety than let things "evolve"
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female
reader, Bexii_19  +, writes (12 November 2010):
This happened to me a few months ago, same situation and everything, turned out he was already seeing someone, so just be careful x
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