A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 3 years has started smoking weed regularly and I hate it. He has become secretive, lazy and snappy with me since he started, and only seems interested in getting stoned these days. I have told him I don't like it (I have my own reasons for this which he knows all about and did before he started too) but he doesn't care. He says I have to accept him as he is because he will not change for me and it's not fair of me to ask. But the thing is he has changed - into a stoner. I would have never gone out with him if he had smoked from the start, but because he waited until I love him I feel tricked into being in a relationship I would never have chosen. Is my only choice to end it? He is 26 so not a kid. I just want my old relationship back.He has stopped inviting me out at the weekend too as he knows I won't be happy with him smoking, but clearly the weed is more important to him than spending time with me. And please don't tell me weed is ok/to try it myself or whatever. I know a lot of people say it is harmless to smoke, and that is their opinion and gine by me, but I personally don't want to be in a relationship with someone who does and that will never change. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): "Is my only choice to end it?"
Unfortunately this guy is not your boyfriend anymore, he's a stoner.
I smoked weed for about 10 years, every day for about 5 of those years. It's a lifestyle choice and in cases like yours it's a lifestyle that you cannot share with him so you have to walk away.
He's not the guy you feel in love with, that guy is gone now so it's time to move on.
I understand it from his point of view and yeah I was bit "it's my right, you're not being fair" kind of thing to some of my ex's but I was a stoner when they met me and they bought into it thinking they could handle it or change me. In that case it wasn't fair.
But your situation is not about that, your situation is being in a relationship with a guy who has changed into a guy you can't be in one with, it's that simple really.
He decided to take a path in life that can't have you in it, in this case he has chosen the weed over you because he can't have both in this way.
OP he's your partner of 3 years, you share each other lives, he no longer has a life that want to share anymore, that's that really.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 December 2012):
 You were with him 3 years ago when he did not smoke weed.
You do not have to accept him as a pot smoker if he was not one when you started.
You have to end the relationship if he wont' stop.
It's the only thing that will work if you can't accept his change from non smoker to smoker.
My husband and I indulge... and he drinks... and I have told him, IF you add any other substances to the mix I am done.... I will NOT tolerate any other drugs... he knows I mean business. And I do.
You never envisioned your partner becoming a pot smoker so you never gave him that contingency.
You have told him you don't like it and that's good. He's basically said "too bad, I do like it and I'm not stopping"
so he made his choice.
Part of the requirement of making a choice, is accepting the consequences of the choice.
You need to tell him just that. That he made his choice and based on the choice he made you have to make YOUR choice which is to end the relationship.
Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 December 2012):
 You write: "....he will not change for me and it's not fair of me to ask. .."
He's correct. HOWEVER it IS fair of you to tell him to take a hike and get out of your life.... "Fair" works both ways....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 December 2012):
 You ask if your only choice is to leave, the answer is not really, you could choose to stay ....
You cannot change him, you can't make him stop smoking weed, he has already made his choice, either accept his habit, because he will not change for you.
There is your answer, he more or less has told you what to do, you now just need to gather your strengths around you, and then get a big bag and pick up anything of yours that may be at his, shoulders back, head up and walk out of there.
Remember, this is his loss, not yours.
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