A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi We are due to get married in just a few weeks time. A number of days ago, my fiancee has said to me he has cold feet about the wedding and is overcome with nervousness and fear about the day itself, growing up and getting married. We are both in our late thirties are are not young by any means.I've know this person for over 6 years and we have been preparing for the wedding for quite some time. The invites are gone out and everything is done at this stage. The full amount has to be paid for the venue if cancelled at this late stage.I love my fiancee so much, he is my so important to me and I am devastated and deeply upset by what he has said and this situation. I don't know how to handle it, I'm shocked it's happened. He has said he still loves me and wants to be with me but to postpone the wedding. To me, postponing is not an option, everything has to be paid for if we don't go ahead, people have booked flights to attend and I feel it's a public humiliation if cancelled. I don't see the point of postponing, if he is not ready now I feel he never will be ready.After our talk, he said he wanted 24 hours to himself to think. I agreed to this but he continued to text me, wanted to come over to my house and call me. I don't feel this was for me (he said it was in case I was upset) I believe he wanted the reassurance I was 'hanging on' for him. We met today and he said he still hasn't decided after the 24 hours and he needs more time.At this point, I'm just annoyed with him. I feel he is being cruel and mean to me, leaving me hanging on in limbo, saying he wants to be with me but then turning around and saying he wants more time. I'm extremely stressed by this and the uncertainty of whether we are calling off the wedding or not .It must be noted that although he is nearing 40 (I'm a few years younger), he is extremely immature and lives like a bachelor, he is fearful of commitment and growing up. What do you think of this situation? How should I handle it? I'm very upset and feel completely alone in this.Thank you for your replies.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 January 2017):
 How did things turn out for you?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2017): Well it is normal to have some cold feet and nerves, but it isn't normal to be seriously considering cancelling the wedding, which he seems to be.
Yes, you need to have an in-person talk with him about just what exactly he is worried about. If it is losing his freedom....at 40....I think you need to let him go.
After 6 years he should be able to swallow any nerves and fear privately, and not stress you like this before the wedding. That shows he is not a reliable, dependable guy, and perhaps suggests he wouldn't be the most stable spouse.
I would go to counselling together to discuss this as well with a third party there for support.
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A
female
reader, Mandy simms  +, writes (3 January 2017):
If He is having cold feet at forty I would be very concerned. He obviously thinks he had dodged a bullet till forty. The groom should be itching to get the woman he loves down the aisle not putting on the brakes. Don't marry someone who is in doubt about getting married. Easier said than done I know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): Have you talked about whats making him nervous and what he's afraid of? maybe he's scared he cant be a good husband to you, or that you'll find him ugly when he grows old and leave him for a hunkier lad, or that he'll lose his freedom. Maybe all hid friends are divorced and hes scared of that. Discuss those things (without discussing the wedding itself) for a few days. I think the no contact thing for a few weeks is not a good idea. This is when he needs you the most, and needs to talk to you the most. He obviously agreed to the wedding -- so he obv wants to be with you. did he not have those fears when you agreed to and planned the wedding?
If the day comes and he still doesnt want to get married, i agree that he'll never be ready. In this case still have your friends over and celebrate the dodged bullet. Obv the place is paid for, so why let it go to waste? Allow yourself to cry and feel all sorts of emotions out but also party with the people who love you and flew to be with you. Or if you want it to go to a good cause, donate the gift money or invite the homeless or less fortunate for an amazing treat. Check out a bride that did something similar:
http://www.metronews.ca/news/canada/2016/04/02/left-at-the-altar-this-bride-still-held-a-reception.html
I wish the best for you two!
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A
female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (2 January 2017):
 Oh dear your poor thing I really feel for you. I am angry with him though, okay its normal to get cold feet nut Its not right to keep you hanging on. I agree with honeypie be tough with him say you got so long don't contact me etc. How dare he do this to you, don't stand for it. And again I agree with honeypie let him do all the cancelling and all the legwork with contacting everyone if the wedding is off. I really hope it all works out for you xxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): I would gazzump him and tell him "Youre damn right..I made a big mistake myself ..I could never marry a man like you!Thank God that's cleared up!Don't worry I will tell everyone its off and get the refund if theirs any and you can have your ring back!"That way you feel strong, you get the sympathy and you feel the love as relatives cancel flights or just come over to eat free food or see the sights!Hanging around like a lame duck is not good for your psyche!Guys who want to get married don't act like naughty prep kids being told to take an exam!Give him a D for dump and an E for explanation and run off with anyone whose willing!Maybe he's bi and he knows he's not marriage material or maybe he feels like he is suffocating or dying!Free the turkey and let your wings fly to a better future because a willing man will appear on the horizon!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 January 2017):
 Well, I'd have a chat with him.
YOU have to decide if you want to BE with him if he makes that choice. If he still has doubts after 6 years, it's NOT going to happen.
And I think it's BETTER to CANCEL the wedding, then try and "force" him to marry as planned. IF he isn't sure... he should marry. BUT that might have consequences, such as.... you deciding to be done.
And no I would give him an ultimatum, but I would give him a "timeline" Like YOU have 3 more days to figure that out. IN that 3 days we go no contact YOU can really think this over. Don't call, don't text. Nothing. And I will do the same. If he after 3 days still isn't sure, then I think you need to figure out what you can cancel and STILL get the money back on and what still needs to be paid. Give him the bill for what still needs to be paid. And split the money you CAN get back. HE can then CONTACT everyone to let them know it's canceled.
TRUST me, you do NOT want to be stood up at the alter. And you do NOT want to "make" him marry you.
If you want marriage and he doesn't, then you two aren't compatible on THAT subject. And maybe you need to consider talking to your pastor/priest/rabbi/reverend and do some PRE-marriage counseling.
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