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male
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*UTTED
writes: What do I do? I've been with my lady for 5 years and I've never had a reason to doubt her. But sadly I caught her with someone else due to my worrying nature. I decided that we needed some space and she promised to think long and hard on what had happened so we could come to an agreement on whether or not the relationship was worth it. I went to the house tonight to collect something and found she had gone out.... I really love her and need some been-there-done-that advice. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (20 August 2005):
I would like to know what the timescales are since you discovered her cheating. Is it days, weeks or longer? This would help to get the problem into perspective. If it has only happened within the last couple of days, perhaps she is respecting your wishes that you require some space. If it is a week or more, then you should try to speak to her to find out what exactly is happening.
What immediately strikes me is the apologetic nature of your letter- when you state that you "caught her with someone else due to my worrying nature" it implies that her cheating is a direct consequence of you being naturally suspicious. You almost justify her behaviour, because you perceive that you derserve it. She is the one who has cheated on you. I cannot emphasise this point enough. Your worries were more than justified, and enabled you to discover the truth about your alleged "loved one".
What is "sad" about catching her with someone else? I understand that you must be absolutely distraught, and obviously confused right now. But why are you regretting that you discovered what she is truly like? Would you have preferred for her to continue with a masquerade of loving you whilst you are oblivious, and blissfully unaware of her behaviour?
As I previously mentioned, it is important that the two of you speak about the state of the relationship, for your own peace of mind. If she is truly remorseful for her actions and you are willing to trust her again, then the relationship, with a lot of hard work, stands a chance of suceeding. I believe that you are committed to salvaging the relationship, but I do not have enough information to speak for your girlfriend.
It sounds as though you are ready to discuss this, make the first move and contact her to talk over things. But do not blame yourself for what has happened.
If you are unable to contact her and a significant length of time has passed, then I would consider the relationship over. This will be absolutely heartbreaking for you but necessary.
I hope things work out for you. All the best
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