A
female
age
30-35,
*cy
writes:hello im in a bad situation atm .. my boyfrend who i love so much n who loves me back just as much we have said to each other we are going to have children together buy a house and get married because although we r yung we r just so abnormally into each other he practically lives at my house.. but just found out his last gf he had 10 monfs ago has a 1 month old baby girl .. we didnt believe it at first because the story seemed so hard to believe because she lived so far away she could just be making this up because she hasnt contacted him in 10 munfs .. my boyfrend promised me even if it was true he would never leave me for the baby because him and his family hate the mother therefore wants nothing to do with the baby.. However, funny enough, the mum has moved back to his area and he saw her at the bus stop with the baby .. he told me this and my heart sank cos it was obviously true and is definitely his .. all the promises he made me seem to be going out the window becuase as expected wen hes seen the baby which is a part of him he is obviously going to feel something towards it .. originally i said i want you to be a dad but i cant be with you because watching you raise another girl's child that's got nothing to do with me would be too painful .. and he said fine then i wont see it and stay with you and we can carry on as we are cos im so in love with you.. but then that made me sound selfish so i said i wanna be with you but feels like i cant and he broke down and started saying if i dont have you there's no point in living .. he eventually came to a decision he still didnt want anything to do with it .. But then i talk to him tonight and he is having second thoughts about wether he wants to see the baby or not so i said look i wanna be with you so much if there's a way you can see the baby and not see the ex can you do that i just didnt like the idea of him going round her house to play happy family while im somewhere else .. it's a special bond they share which i cant be a part of ..and he said no that's too confusing i would just have to go around her house and see it .. i don't know what to do, whether i should just end it with him because i love him toooo much to see him raise a family with another girl .. i know i should be there for him but im an insecure person as it is .. him seeing his ex would just be far too much for me to handle .. am i being selfish .. should i stay with him .. :S please help me
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): Please excuse me poser, but I just have to comment on rhythymandblues post... I just can't help but think that the reason there are so many lonely, hurting people in this world is because nowadays everyone is just so quick to bail out at the first hint of trouble. I'm not trying to pick on you -- really your advice sounds great in theory - and I listened to advice like this when I was young...
I didn't "settle" - and I'm still on my own (at 40). In my experience, the only people who have their "act together" are the fictional ones on TV and the neighbors you don't know very well. I look back on my life sometimes and wish I had just been a little stronger and toughed a few things out, rather than just giving up. Because this is life - and there is no perfect situation.
A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (21 April 2008):
Okay first of all take a big, long deep breath and then exhale slowly. I know very freaked out about this. These are really mature advanced issues and you are only 17. It's a lot to handle. But from where I sit this is not as bad as it seems.
First of all - you have a man you love, who loves you very much. That is very special. Do not just abandon that in a big dramatic emotional moment of insecurity. You will regret it.
Second of all, just because people are parents doesn't mean they have to be together. He loves YOU, not his ex. And apparently if she never told him she was pregnant she wasn't interested in being with him, either. So all the things you are afraid of are just in your head. This is where you need to get a hold of yourself. He doesn't want her and she doesn't want him - so this woman is NOT a threat to you.
And also, this is about a lot more than just you. Try thinking of the other people involved and take the focus off yourself and your fears. This is a huge opportunity for you to give someone LOVE when they really need it. Your boyfriend is going through a lot right now. That's his challenge, and he really needs your love, compassion, understanding and support. If you can give it to him it will only make him love you even more. Do not let your fears add to his stress.
And it's also about this child. Children need their fathers. How will you feel 20 years from now looking back and thinking this little child grew up without a father just because I couldn't handle it? You will regret that too.
Your issue boils down to a simple choice - will you choose love or will you choose fear? I highly recommend choosing love. Sometimes true love will demand sacrifices that aren't easy. This is your challenge. Sometimes in life you just have to be strong.
There is NO reason this cannot all work out. You just have to find the strength and love and courage to TRUST that it will. Nothing is ruined -you and your BF can still get married and have your own babies someday. The only thing that has changed is there will be an extra baby to love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): Ok, first of all, I am sorry you got this bomb dropped on you, I know it is very upsetting. After the dust settles, if this child is his, he would not be a man if he did not step up and take his responsibility as a father.
This does not mean that he has to love the baby's mother, obviously he doesn't or he would have never left her.
That said he has a lot to sort through. He should ask for a paternity test to be sure the child is his. He should speak to the baby's mother about child custody issues and child support obviously he now has a financial responsibility as weill as a paternal responsibility.
I am sure this is very painful to you. I personally think you are too young to saddle yourself with his baggage, but that is my brain talking.... if it were me, that would be enough for me to walk away, but then that is me....I don't think this is a selfish stance, it is a smart one. You are not responsible for his bad choices or his lack of care in making sure that he had birth control in place or refrained from having had sex with someone he did not love....so you have a right to leave him and leave this situation behind if it is best for you.
If you decide to stay, then you are going to have to accept his child, tolerate the mother and his financial obligation and hope that you can still have a life with him.
But you are only, what 19? You do not have to settle for this. You can choose to find someone who has his act together and does not have a child out of wedlock. There are ways, some very effective ways to avoid this, he was careless and now he has a lifetime of responsibility for this child. I am sure he will love the child if he decides to step up and be a father. Do not interfere with his being one for the sake of making him prove his love for you because it won't work, he will resent you for it later....You have to accept the reality of this situation if you plan on a future with him.
All the best.
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female
reader, jenxlovesxyou +, writes (21 April 2008):
 my sisters boyfriend has a child wit his ex and she is fine with him seeing his son becus her and him have been together for 8 months and she knows he doesnt love his ex anymore but he loves her..you shuld trust your boyfriend becuz he sounds like he rele loves u i wouldnt worry to much im pretty sure he would b okay if he saw his child n not get into the whole family thing with the ex...just b trustworthy n dont worry to much on her
good luck
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