A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a bit of a crisis and I'm probably mad but here goes.I split with my ex partner in November last year, though we dragged it out until January with sweet I miss you type e-mails (there was never a doubt of still loving each other, just some major communication issues). After deciding that the only way to heal was to have some space we fell out of contact for a few months, before resuming a shaky friendship in March this year. Over time the friend thing got easier and it felt like we were almost back to being amazingly happy in each others company again, going out for dinner etc. Trouble is I've just found out that he got married just over a month ago and his wife is expecting his baby. I was quite suprised to discover how insanely jealous I felt and hurt that he hadn't been able to tell me.His reaction when confronted with my hurt anger was that he assumed I no longer cared about where he is romantically and if I had I would have asked him sooner? We've since had an extended heart to heart which has only made me feel heartbroken all over again.The question I'm struggling to find the answer to is whether I should cut him out of my life completely and do my best to move on, or continue being friendly knowing that if the opportunity came up I'd end up taking him back in a heartbeat?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Oh my lord.
When I read your post, I started doing math in my head.
You two broke up in November of last year. (10 months ago)
You drug the emotional break until January (8 months ago).
You lost touch until March. (6 months ago).
You continues until finding out about his marriage and child. (one mere month ago).
Where did he find the time to meet and date another woman to the point of getting married and having a kid? And -- was the marriage because they were having a kid? Something tells me yes.
This tells me that he was playing you and this other woman. Not many people, unless they're absolutely insanely crazy, would go from "Hello my name is..." to marriage and a child within 8 months.
I think he was cheating on you with her while you were dating, at least emotionally. This isn't a case of extreme rebound syndrome. I think he was cheating beforehand, and that fact alone probably secretly caused your breakup in the first place.
I will tell you this directly. He is married. He is married. He is married. He's now OFF-LIMITS. Cut all contact. Leave him alone. No more heart to hearts. No more pining, no more additional closure seeking.
He is now married. He's not seeing someone else. He didn't get another girlfriend. He has a wife, which means you need to come to grips with the fact that you are now ancient history. Do you really want to contribute to the pain of a wife and child? no way!
Do not be friendly. Do not communicate with him or about him or around him. He is dead to you. To do otherwise is masochistic to you. You might as well start hacking your toes off with a steak knife, because that's the analogy of what you'd be doing to yourself if you still hang onto him after marriage. Communicating with him is emotional self-harm and mutilation.
It's time for you to move on. Painful, but it's the only way to heal. He is now married. Game over.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Why leave it up to you to ask for him back? It's a 2 way street. He could have asked for you back instead of knocking up a woman and marrying her, because it's the proper thing to do.
Instead he kept his new life from you and continued to butter up your friendship like you two were going to get back together. How did you find out? Did he even have the balls to tell you?
My point is even if he somehow got a divorce and was single again, you could still never trust him, and there would be his child, child's mother remaining in his life. It's best to dismiss him and this "friendship".
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A
female
reader, rosie2057 +, writes (5 September 2011):
Please cut contact with this man. He is a TERRIBLE person. I have no idea what went wrong in your relationship with him, but I do know he is treating his current wife like garbage.
He knew perfectly well that you still harbored feelings for him and chose to use both you and his unfortunate wife to boost his shallow ego. Trust me at the end of the day, no good will come to him.
Thank your lucky stars that you aren't with him. And GOOD LUCK in finding a worthy partner!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (5 September 2011):
 he has rushed into it with his wife hasn't he? probably a rebound fling and on some level he did not want to tell you coz he harboured wishes to get back with you and so did not want to spoil your friendship, make you jealous, make you realise he had moved on in case you decided to do the same. he has kept this BIG news hidden from you and to basically tell you 'well, you never asked!' is really not good enough. i really think you should cut contact with him, you say you would take him back, is this just because you feel jealous and shut out now? he has not been honest and open with you, he is therefore not the 'friend' you thought he was.
the reasons you two broke up in the first place, are those reasons still present? i mean, if there was no wife or baby, would you really have a good relationship to go back to?
x
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