A
female
age
30-35,
*licai
writes:I am married for nearly 4 years and lived together for 5 years .Since having my son last year , everything has changed . We both very good with looking after our son but My partner seems to be on the phone so much , which has been locked for two years .which I know is normal to lock ur phone these days but I liked him when he was more open.. He spends most of his time at home on his laptop watching movies then when he wants or gets invited out he will go with his friends out and about more than with me . Since august I looked at what is a happy realonship or what are the signs a man don't love u anymore .. it came up in more my internet search like that if a man don't feel sexually attractive to u it could be a sign they don't love u and also if they commented u , have a laugh together Plan furture together , spent time together .Is all part of a loving realonship . It was a great website there was which we dint do lots of advice it really did make me think..And it was on my mind a lot expecially when he told me one night I don't put effort in to sexual intercourse .. then times we talked was about that the atmosphere has changed at home like there's no liveliness and I don't get that loving spark of energy , love feeling at home .he said he felt like an old man at times I was like come on ur only 25 years old lol..And I asked him if he loved me he said yea ...but I didn't feel it in my heart when he said it and says it we dint hug even the baby really has taken over our lives a lot I guess or even hold hands anymore which I miss let alone kiss ...eacother Then I asked to talk to him which was silly as nobody likes being told I need to speak with u as I wanted to sort our feelings out as I was worried about our realonship since then I expected it as it is..My partner works full time in a job he isn't that happy with currently .He said in our latest. Argument the over day as well as two months ago this was huge argument that started off because he saw a text on my phone from a guy my ex boyfriend saying he was bored.. he also said he was not happy with the way I dress he says it looks old ladyish and that I dont put effort in sexual intercourse. And he don't think I put enough effort in the cooking ..I said in the argument that he don't make effort either , I don't trust him on his phone and I wasn't happy he don't go out with me and our baby son to the shops or even a park before and that when I'm at home I feel alone even when he is there .and that I was sad that he said he looks at other women sexually and masterbates more on his own and not with me .. I didn't mention that I saw his search history with a load of porn sites from the other day .. when I'm there most of the time he could have me ?!He for the first time asked me to go the other day once he saw a text from my ex boyfriend saying he was bored .. I refused to go and it went on for two hours I was crying cause of how he said about having legal rights to take his son away from me .. and that he was swearing at me at times . My past I was once a cheater on him when we first met and he knows about ... But since then and when we got married he hasn't thought of me in that way . He came as a student from aborad into the uk . We have been though a lot these years with court cases to get his visa here and in general surviving the difficulties we all fCe in life.Lately I have texted my ex , my ex go bk 10 years ago and he try to get in contact 2 years ago where we exchanged numbers and we met up .. then we had sex .i didn't think I would of fallen for him at that time , we lost contacted and last year since having my baby I refused to talk or see him as I don't want to be unfaithful anymore ..then again he contacted me , this year.. he's been married for five years as well and lived up north now away from where I live .He started texting a few weeks bk saying he was moving away then we chatted in general then last week we flirted .. he texted me first I deleted his number and he was the one who kept flirting first and I felt so happy at times his company , making me laugh and I fuelt loved like connected. I don't have many friends and to feel wanted it felt good .After the argument when my husband told me to show the phone which I didn't ended up doing . I descided to block and tell my ex to stop texting he seemed upset but did what I asked and has stop texting . Ended up we didn't leave each other my husband and I this is day three and it's like. Bk to normal we can't change anything we could expect it I don't want him to go as I want him there for my son if he lives he will be send bk to his country visa would be cancelled but will after two years to come will it not be right staying I'm not sure what to do if the visa came though for him one day then we both would have more choice if he wants to stay with me or not .The realonship may improve if we can change or we have to except it for what it is ..all these years . We all have problems but just want to know from someone is it worth hanging on still as I can still get on with my day but sometimes it does cross my mind should we be together .theres so much to the story of this but I can only put my main points across please feel free to ask questions to know any more to help give me advice Thanks so much
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): There seems to be a lot of secrecy between you and your husband. He's under pressure about his visa, he found your message from an ex; and then you're not showing much participation when you're making love. Perhaps because your mind is more on your ex? He's on to you about that!
You're both still in your twenties; but mature enough workout family-issues. Instead, you're both playing games and hiding secrets.
I think you're half-hearted or bored about the marriage, and it's showing. You can't tell your husband how much you love and care about him on the one hand; then show your feelings toward another man. You're torn between them.
Somewhere in the middle your ambivalence is giving you away. Especially when you're a married-woman getting messages from your ex. Then being a hypocrite about porn!
You're both stubborn and sneaky. On top of that, you're inconsistent about your feelings for each other. Acting like husband and wife one minute; then you're parents. Then you're acting immature, like back when you were in high school.
Stop playing the on-again/off-again game with your ex.
You're being totally phony. You have nothing to complain about; if you're personally up to no good. Your husband is on to you; but afraid that you're going to dump him, and keep his baby while he has to go back to his country.
In the back of your mind, you kind of like knowing that; because it would make it easier to flirt with your ex.
You're sort of keeping your ex for backup. You threw in the stuff about porn to justify what you've been up to. He can't trust you; because you cheated before, and as long as you get messages from your ex. You still are!
Not nice!
You're married. You have to get your head back into being a family; and quit making up excuses for bad behavior on both sides. Pointing fingers at each other and acting like brats. You're two adults, and you have a child to care for.
Are you both working, or is he the sole bread-winner? You've been together since your teens; so sex sort of gets predictable and a little boring when you've been together so long. If you have someone on the side, it only complicates things even more. He doesn't want you to just lie there and let sex happen to you. He wants you to be playful and creative. What would you do if he was your ex?
I think your life will improve when you get the extra man completely out of your life. Hubby is frustrated, because he needs to go find himself a new job. Can you really afford to go out? If you're struggling financially and he barely makes enough for bills, I don't think he can afford a lot of family outings.
Are you asking if you should still keep hanging on; because you want your ex back? If you don't love your husband and you have to pretend; I guess you have to let him go. Just keep in-mind, your baby will lose his father. Decide what's best for your child. Can you support your baby on you own?
Marriages have ups and downs. You have to work at them. You have to make sure you are being the best parents for your child. New parents have to make adjustments, and sometimes you don't get to hangout with friends; because your family-life takes over most of your time. Put money and time aside and go out on a date-night at least once a week. It will never be like when you were kids.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 It seems to me that you are bored with this marriage. Honestly it will need the both off you to work on it to save it. All I can say is do not stay with him just so he gets a visa, you only have one life and you should live it.
Firstly maybe you could both go to marriage counselling so you can both talk about how you feel. Another thing is have one night a week where you both go for dinner and have a romantic night in.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (22 September 2017):
 It is a difficult situation for you. I can imagine the conflict you feel.Have I understood this correctly - your husband is in the country pending a visa application being approved? So the reason he will be allowed to stay is because he has family in UK ie. you and your child. If you were to leave him then the likelihood is that his visa application would be denied.Then if he were to return to his own country and you were to accompany him, would you enjoy the same rights and privileges there that you currently enjoy in UK?Would you child have similar education opportunities?I believe you need to put your child and yourself before your husband. He may be tired of his job but at least he has one. This might not be true of many countries where unemployment levels are extremely high, and that is just in Europe, let alone Africa and Asia.You have tried to talk to him. That is praiseworthy. You need to assess between the two of you what you both must do to make the marriage successful. Set guidelines, goals and deadlines between you so that you can both assess if you are meeting your side of the bargain. Marriages all have ups and downs. The thing is whether there is enough love there to see you both through the hard times. That's what makes great marriages.And stop messing about with txting your ex'. It may be harmless to you but it doesn't help you situation. There is all sorts of counselling you can take - like Relate - if you think he will go. If sex is the problem then a sex therapist might be ideal. Your GP will give confidential advice on this.One more thing. Don't exclude your family. Share your problems with sisters, mum, dad, etc. You don't have to carry this all alone.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (22 September 2017):
OUCH!!!! Partner...Not even husband or hubby. So you have moved him into the friend zone...Not good.
You cannot change your husband unless you change your way of thinking.
Truth...kids can make you forget to be a woman, and him a man. How so?
If you did not have a child, and hubby was on the phone, and you needed some loving...what would you do to get his attention?
We go into mommy and daddy mode when kids are around, and forget that we were not always like that. We start whispering, doing things secretly, only having sex if the child in completely passed out...and these things kill a relationship fast.
What you don't see...is a challenge. An opportunity to spice up your love and sex life, while being sneaky and clever at the same time.
Like how can you have sex while paying attention to your child, and him or her do not have a clue what you are doing.
When mommy spends all her time being a mom. Daddy no longer feels important, and goes off to find something else to do, or someone else to do.
Same thing happens to mommy. She feel neglected by daddy's sudden lack of interest. She gets lonely...and here she is...looking in the wrong place for affection.
Just because you have a child, does not mean you can no longer be sexy, act sexy, dress sexy, or make yourself feel sexy. No matter how much weight you have gained. It's not the weight you have, it's how you use it.
Now...Go get you husband back...and get rid of the partner.
The problem you have was cause by both of you not paying attention to each other.
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