A
male
age
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*ebruary
writes:I have a very difficult situation: I am dating a woman 18 years younger than myself she is 43 and I am 61 although I am very fit go to the gym every day and look a lot younger! We are both married although both of our partners are badly brain damaged without any prospect of recovery and we met at the care home where both of our partners are resident. We go out together quite a lot and we get on very well and have very similar interests. We both spend a lot of time looking after our respective partners and this remains our priority while they are still with us, the future is very uncertain for both of us and we use each other for mutual support and companionship. My concern is that she is relatively young and may be missing the opportunity to meet someone with more of a future and that maybe I am being selfish? I have been told that she would not be with me if she didn't want to be and we havn't talked about the age difference! I should also say at this point that if you think we are being unfair to our partners the time span for both of us in this situation is ten years and five years and it is very hard going! We are after all both human. Although everyone is different I would really like to have a female opinion on a relationship with this age difference; of course our current situations will have a bearing on this as very few people understand what we are both going through, we both have the same worries,thoughts and concerns and are trying to make the best of what we have left! I would really miss her but I don't want to be unfair to her either. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): I'm nearly 50, and all of my relationships have been with much older men (the youngest was 9 years older, the oldest 20 years older). Most were great relationships (esp the 20 yr one). I would say it wouldn't be a good idea if she was really young (say under 30). But since she's nearing middle-age, I think she's old enough to know what she wants. Since you're both healthy and have clicked, I say go for it. I applaud you for continuing to care for your ailing wife, but as you say, you're only human. I truly think that if we love someone, we don't want to see them suffer. How do you know that that isn't what your wife would want for you? The naysayers are not in your shoes-- and really, why should you care what a stranger thinks? Continue to look after your wife, but look after your own needs too. Don't waste time feeling guilty. Life is too short. Good luck, and stop worrying about what others think! :)
A
male
reader, february +, writes (27 August 2009):
february is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who responded, both the positive and the negative. We both have positive and negative thoughts ourselves. The gentleman who identifies himself as "old guy" appears to recognize the dillema we have and I would guess that he has some experience of caring? Thanks (old guy) for your insight! When something very tragic happens to your partner and they cannot communicate with you any longer it's worse than suffering a death, you have no closure, you have no idea of how long you have to bear the burden (which is extreme). To the lady who condemns our relationship as an affair, well i understand your point of view to some extent "until death us do part" is ideal when you are dealing with normal life situationsand i would agree with that but could i suggest that when this "ideal" was established intensive care units did not have the expertise they currently have and the situation we find ourselves in would not normally have occurred in that our partners would in all probability have died at that point in time,and this is very recent in most cases. I have now spent five years seven days a week caring for my wife without a break, the only person who provides any relief and/or comfort is my lady friend who is in the same position as me and for her it has been ten years. Our commitment to our spouses has not changed but we are only human and the human animal needs companionship and comfort. To the critics (and there will be some) i would say walk a mile in our shoes for a week let alone five years.On the age difference question yes i have heard that love is often blind to this and certainly (i think) from the female point of view that; to be treated with care and respect is as (if not more) important that the basic attraction. Thanks i take comfort from this and i do try very hard to treat her with the care and respect she really deserves.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): It's incredibly difficult to be a caregiver to someone who is disabled. To do it well, you have to be unusually in touch with emotions that most of us seldom allow ourselves to express. If I read your question correctly, both you and your friend are dealing with very charged situations, and it's quite understandable that your raw emotions lead you to connect on a level that most of us simply can't 'get.'
I wouldn't usually encourage people to cheat. But if your respective spouses are terminal, and if you're both committed to caring for them until the end, I have to think that you are strengthening each other through the ordeal as you both do your duty. I wouldn't think that you being older is so much of an issue -- you 'get it', unlike anyone else she's likely to meet. As long as you're both going in with eyes open, as long as you understand that she may not need you indefinitely (if her spouse dies, and yours doesn't) then honestly I don't see the harm. You'll strengthen each other as you fulfill your other vows.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (26 August 2009):
 age is just a number some can see past it others cant. ive seen bigger age gapes than that. if she loves you and you love her then i think you owe a chance to try to make each other happy. your both consoling each other which many dont get a chance at. fate brought you together now all you have to do is take the chance do you have a leap of faith lefT? i think your both lucky to have found each other in this bad time of your lives. make the most of it! for tomorrow may never come ! good luck aphex :)
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A
female
reader, anaphaseii +, writes (26 August 2009):
I think that when it works, it works. It sounds like you both are in very difficult and delicate situations at home and if you hit it off, that only works to bring you closer. She's a big girl--she can decide if she's "missing out" on something herself. Concentrate on being the best partner you can for her. For all you know, she'd be missing out if she weren't with you. Just let her be the judge of that, okay? :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): it would be hypocritical of me to condone your affair, so i won't. no matter what your circumstances, affairs are wrong.
when we make exceptions for some affairs and then condemn others, we lose the plot.
thats all i have to say.
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