A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I don't quite know how to start this, but my friends have been helpful and supportive, but I suppose I'm still lost. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years minus the 2 that we were broken up for. We broke up because he said he didn't love me anymore. But I found out that it was because he claimed to have fallen in love with another woman that he used to work with. Granted when we broke up it was difficult to move out from him until we could move back home since we weren't living near family at the time this happened. So on top of the very unhealthy breakup, I decided it was okay for him to talk about her with me. He confided in me, told me things I really shouldn't have known, and to this day bother me. I also overheard a few times when he spoke to his best friend saying that he would want to be there for her support her and her children, the whole nine. During the time of our breakup when I was finally able to move out from him, I was doing well. Not at first, yes I was depressed and yes I went through all of the issues one would go through that had such a horrible breakup, mind you we are completely opposite of each other. I'm more into going out having fun, being affectionate and he isn't. But I digress, so here's the problem, we got back together, it's now been over a year since we got back together. When we got back together we never discussed any issues or what happened during our breakup even though we were constantly together during our breakup, sometimes I feel like I may have made a mistake. Although he's been working very hard to regain my trust and for us to work. But he promised marriage, he gave me all of these words of change and promises, and we've been together for so long, still no ring, still no marriage. I get it maybe we aren't financially able, but there's always ways to make things work. All I know is that I'm confused. Sometimes I miss being without him, because he's all I've known. But when I wasn't with him I would spend a lot of time with my friends, hanging out doing things on my own. It was fun. Yeah we do fun things, but he isn't as affectionate as I need him to be, and he won't kiss me often unless I ask him to, and he hasn't made complete good on his promises. Sometimes I just, I wish things were different, but I got a glimpse of being single and I wonder if maybe I just don't love him the same way anymore because of all of the pain he put me through and then expected me to just leave it. Obviously I'm still hung up on it if it's been over a year since we got back together and I'm here asking for help. Sorry this was so long...If it helps we started dating when I was 17 and he was 19. We are now 28 and 31 respectively.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2017):
 Sweetie even if he is trying it is still not going to take away the hurt and the pain. Did he think off your pain when he left you for someone else? Did he think about your feelings when he confided in you about another girl? No he never. She finished with him and he came back running to you. Honestly if this was me I would feel there has been to much damage done to the relationship, to much hurt and pain. I understand he is all you know, you where both so young. Honestly I would end it and go out with my friends, enjoy single life and get your confidence and zest for life back.
A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (27 February 2017):
You've only be 12 months back together, that doesn't mean you have no right to ask questions or talk about what happened .
Clearly he is defensive thinking your raising it to somehow rub his nose in it so he subsequently shuts down and tell you ; that you should be over it that this isn't helping your relationship .. denying it happened and being how he is also is impacting
You need to clearly work out what you need for him to do for you o feel while again .. he is trying and that's a good start .. do you want to be able to talk about this not argue but talk .. he must realises you have every right to feel pissed at what he did ( not who he is now) but who he acted like then ..
If you do need this .. then you need to let him know this isn't about rubbing his nose init this is about getting to the grips of why ?
He can't act all defensive either he has to be open ..
Is he friends with this female ?
There is two ways you can do this .. I'm a trained mental health nurse by remit .. you can either say the above after you've worked out what you need to say and go into therapy together to wok through it . If working through together doesn't work .
Or
You can say okay this is a new page and box how you feel and move on only thing is boxes sometimes just burst open so my advice would normally be step 1 but I would not hold judgement if you choose step 2 . His guilt is not bigger than you hurt and he needs to get over that if you decided step 1
Take care sweetie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): HiIf he won't help you by talking about it as much as you need to talk about it, then I think, you will always have trouble getting past what happened.I feel rather angry on your behalf. What he did was no small thing and he's acting as if it was nothing and you should just be ok. But you're NOT ok. The fact that he could fall for someone else and leave you for her, would be something I would always be questioning if I were in your shoes. I would feel second choice. I think you're having problems moving on from this, because, in my opinion, when someone is shown they are second choice, there is no moving on from this.Add to this, the fact that he isn't willing to do all it takes to help you heal from this horrible hurt, I think adds up to the fact that he isn't all you've got him cracked up to be in your head and heart. I think there will always be something in the background making you hurt and insecure.....HIM.Think of how much fun you had with your friends without all this wondering and worrying and hurting. You said that yes he was fun, but then immediately countered it with a 'but he's not as affectionate as I need him to be'. This is, in my book, a very important part of a relationship.It sounds as if you will always be chasing the holy grail staying with him. Wanting help and not getting it, wanting affection and not getting it and finally wanting to be first choice and knowing you're not. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I truly believe that you will be happier without him, having fun with your friends and finding someone who truly does 'cherish us'. Because to be honest, your boyfriend's actions since you've been back together don't sound too cherishing to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): I'm the OP - She was a very guarded person, and apparently something happened between them that made her feel like it wasn't going to work out. So she decided it was best that they just remain friends. But he told me that if anything were to ever happen, that he couldn't be friends with her. That'd he just let her be, and leave her alone. So apparently, that was his reason. Then he also went into a whole other sphere of reasons about how he messed up, and that he wants to make things right between us again. That he knows that he messed up, and that he realizes that all he wants to do is be with me, and grow with me, and love and cherish us. He has been trying, I know he has been trying.So perhaps this is just an internal struggle that I'm dealing with. The issue is I'm not really able to talk to him about it anymore, because when we do, it becomes an argument, or he doesn't want to talk about it. He say's that it's been such a long time that I need to get past it, and just move on with him because he is trying to make things good for us for our future together. I'm not sure if any of this helps with the question. I feel like I'm rambling a bit. It's just difficult because like I said I still love him, and I want to be with him. But I'm not sure if I can really truly honestly look past everything that's happened.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (27 February 2017):
I too dated young and then married the guy so I can understand you debate on " this is all I know " I would say or ask " do you know why he broke up with his ex fame " .. what did he say to you Why did he want to get back together since he dropped you to have this what went wrong ?
I think as a female these are question I would want answered I mean your already privy to lots of information that you shouldn't have been so why not this ..
I'm only asking as they would help me formulate my answer .. I do not however want you feeling you need to answer sweetie only do so if you feel comfortable .
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