A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I married a man who is my mother's ex-boyfriend's younger brother. Let me explain. So my mother dated a guy for two years, ten+ years ago. I was 18/19 at the time. The man lived with us as a 'step-father'. I was never around due to college, a job, and social life. I called him 'dad' once in my life to please my mom but it made me very uncomfortable. My family met his family but I never met his younger brother because he was also never around and lived 5+hours away. When I finally did meet him, it was towards the end of my mom's relationship with this guy.It was weird but the younger brother (who was 34 at the time) was clearly interested in me. He thought I was much older due to my maturity and I thought he was a lot younger due to his...ummm immaturity (haha) and he looked really young. We hit it off and started dating because we had a strong connection. Our families were upset not only because of the age difference but because of my mom and his brother dating. My mom broke it off with the older brother within a couple months thereafter (it was not because of me, he cheated on her). But there was some time overlap (ew) in their relationship existing and ours. The two brothers have a huge age difference and my mom had me when she was young. We're not related AT ALL but the way we met has always made me uncomfortable. I feel like people will think we're inbred. I usually lie to friends about how we met and I figured I could continue doing so (for the rest of my life) living a private life and time would ease everything. Fast forward ten years, we're still together and even got married two years ago. Everyone moved on and things got better for the most part. But after being sick with Lyme disease for the first two years of our marriage, I've gotten better and thought about pursuing acting. Maybe a life crisis or second chance? I don't know. However considering this secret I have, I don't think I can move forward with this dream. I'm devastated at the idea of missed opportunity over a weird semi-scandal. My husband is mad at me for still being bothered by this but I can't help it. He thinks I should pursue my dreams because to him, this isn't even a scandal. Do you think it is? If I were to pursue acting and in the slight chance I became famous, it is a real possibility that family would sell us out. My friends would know that I lied. Also now that I've shared my feelings with my husband again (which I've shared many times over the years), he's now wondering if I'll ever get passed it. I don't know if I will either. It brings the whole marriage into question because he says that I don't see us legitimately. I can't help how I feel though. So on top of all of that, it feels like I have to choose between my marriage or a potential new career coming from a second chance at life (I thought I was going to die because doctors first thought I had cancer or ms).. Maybe I should have never married him being so uncomfortable. I thought I had gotten past it but I clearly haven't. What are your thoughts? We have a good marriage and we've been through a lot together, we have no kids. Should I just let this nagging dream go? I made a promise to myself that if I got better, I wouldn't hold myself back from anything that I wanted to do and now I feel stuck and torn. Please be gentle. I carry a lot of shame with this. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2017):
 This really is not a scandal and you really are worried over nothing. Try and understand you need to live your life to the full. If you thought you where going to die well that should give you more of a zest for live. Stop letting your imagination hold you back, stop worrying and go for your dreams.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you! I'm so relieved that I decided to put all of this out there. I also think that it's a great idea to print these answers out as reminders so that I don't get sucked back into my family's issues and negativity.
This conversation has helped me realize that in the grand scheme of all things that raise eyebrows, it's really not bad at all. There are people out there who are living much more difficult lives.
I'm really excited and looking forward to discovering where my journeys take me.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 February 2017):
 Dear Op, don't stress over the rating thing :-)
I too come from a very small community, so I do get where you are coming from.
But, as for scandals, a very close member of my family is the product of a "scandal" and while I wont give too many details because I want to keep my life somewhat confidential on the internet, she has taken that scandal and made it part of her life's story when she is talking to LARGE groups of people about her life's journey.
Do the same, take your scandal and make it part of your journey, turn it back onto the people who want YOU to atone for the sins of your fathers ....
Anxiety is a two edged sword, while a little bit of anxiety is good for us as it gives small boosts of adrenalin to keep us going too much is a buggar, and can hold us back from being the absolute best people we can be.
Take heart from the responses here, and from the people who know and love you, like your husband and friends, it might be a good idea to print some of these answers off and when you start to feel a bit low read them again.
Chin up, face the world with eyes wide open and let the good stuff happen!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, thank you all for the outpouring of support. I feel that you are all right in your own ways. It is true that I worry way too much. You've all shed new perspectives that I've never considered before. I did make that choice back then despite the feelings of others and I SHOULD stand by my choice now without fear. The idea that if I make it a vulnerability, people will exploit it as such is something to really consider and make me change my actions. Also, it's funny that the question was posed- "what was the worst thing that could happen, witch hunts and dungeons and such".. because I grew up in a very small town where my family carries a kind of scarlet letter there. The town does not like our kind because of the men in my family. So I guess this issue that I carry stems from deeper feelings of societal rejection as a whole.Hey, if acting doesn't work out, I bet I could write a captivating book about my soap opera life! HAHA
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 February 2017):
 ---- Lady, if you've had a life changing event and gone through it, and want to fulfill your dreams before you die so you can look back on life with no regrets, then answer me this: why does it matter if people discovered how you met your husband?
What would people do? Throw you in tear and fathers? Banish you from town? Hunt you down and throw you in a dungeon?
Laugh at you?
Tell me, what is THE WORST that could happen if people found out? Then tell me, is this so bad that it is worth living your life in fear of it?
It's not a scandal. It's a hilarious story that I would tell at parties whatever chance I got, if it was me. I'd laugh my pants off. I think it's great. Then I'd make a joke about slim pickings.
Own it. It's YOUR story. And when you accept yourself, and the stories that come with your life, you allow for others to accept you as well. As long as you do not accept yourself, you will live in fear of others not accepting you also.
This is NOT something to be ashamed of. And if anyone ever tried to tell you that, they were morons. The opinion of some people are not worth your time and energy. They are just air pollution/thought pollution. Why stand in the middle of pollution when you have the choice to go to a beautiful garden and breathe fresh air? You stood by your man to the degree that you married him. Now stand by the choice you made when you met him, and stand by the story of how you and him met. Be proud of it. It is part of your life story.
At any rate, SHOULD you become famous, then this would just help make you even more famous. People do not gossip about nobodies. And trust me, people would find dirt on you, fabricated or true, regardless. If you're a public figure, there will be a dark side to the medallion: your private life will not be so private any more. If you do not think you are able to face the worst case scenario, then being a public figure is not for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): Just for the record I don't feel shocked at hearing your story. Not at all. Just sad for you that you worry so much about something that I don't think anybody else would give two hoots about. I also think your husband might feel as if you are ashamed of him and this worry of yours could hurt him and drive a wedge? If you decide to follow your dream as I absolutely believe you should, then try to leave this worry behind. I don't see what the problem is with you, your husband, how you met or anything about it. The heart wants who the heart wants, there is no incest involved and no-one would think there is. People out there have many stories to tell about themselves and their past, things happen, we're all just human. You sound as if you have a lovely relationship. Many people would love to be able to say this and it says something about the two of you. I would dearly love to see you let this worry go as in my opinion, there is nothing to worry about. You are focusing on perceived negatives when you have a lovely husband who loves you and you could be enjoying your life and good luck instead of worrying about situations that are probably not going to happen i.e. gossip. Get famous first and then worry. Because I'm sure there will be absolutely nothing to worry about. And if you don't care, others tend not to either. It's only when someone sees a vulnerability, that they notice it. Stand tall and proud of your relationship and lovely husband AND of how you met. Why not? You've done absolutely nothing wrong. Good luck xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunty BimBim, that was supposed to be a five-star rating, sorry! I don't know how to undo it. X(
If it's possible, I'll go back and change it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOops, I read the order of the responses wrong. My friend and I identified with the last two responses at the time when there were three responses total. I feel I didn't explain myself clearly which led to the first respondent feeling the way they did.
As for getting into acting now, I know it's really late in the game but I'm determined to not have any unanswered questions in my life. Even if they don't work out. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking the time to give such in-depth responses. I'm very open to all of your thoughts and I'll reflect more on this. I actually decided to open up to a close friend about this and she said the same things as the first two responders said. She said it was a non-issue as well and that I worry too much (which is true). Those responses along with my close friend's and my husband's support made me feel more secure about everything. I definitely don't anticipate becoming famous or that it will go anywhere, but I am the type of person to consider all angles/consequences before I jump into new career moves. I don't like being surprised by something potentially uncomfortable that I didn't consider ahead of time.To clarify as stated in my original question, my mother was with her boyfriend for two years but there was relationship overlap for two months. If her relationship with him was only for two months, it would definitely be a non-issue (haha, and that would be really dramatic!!) I think the reason I feel shame is because both of our families STILL continue to shame us despite the time passing and THEY treat it as a scandal. Many of them won't talk to us. So it is ingrained into my brain to think as such. I am working on not believing everything they say. My husband is a spit-fire and says screw them; he's incredibly supportive. I think he was upset with me because I let our families bother me so much and that he had never considered how things unfolded from my perspective and the judgment that was put on me by my family. The weight of those realizations and him being upset is what made me feel like the marriage was all of sudden in jeopardy. Not that I doubted the success/strength of our marriage but that he doubted it. I was worried but I would never trample over my marriage for a fluttering vision of a new career that may/may not even work out (hence why I was considering giving the whole thing up anyway)... do you see the worry/guilt/shame pattern here? lol I'm working on it; everyone is a work in progress. I don't desire fame and was never interested in acting while I was growing up. However, I am drawn to acting now as a way to step into other roles/characters/worlds to learn about myself and escape past traumas of my own life. Being sick for so long with no end in sight changed me. I'm lucky enough to have gotten better, but I now live with a mantra to "do it all" because I was given a second chance. Anything of interest that comes to mind, I now consider because life is way too short and I really thought I was going to die at 28. (My doctors were saying things like Cancer and MS/prescribing spinal taps and the like.) For a little context, I cope with a history of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse from my childhood and I went to therapy for six years. I don't have a bipolar disorder or anything like that but I have struggled with past anxiety/depression/suicidal thoughts/trust issues/abandonment. I've gotten a lot better but if you know anything about Lyme Disease, then you know it can mess with your mind and heighten anxiety/depression. I have it under control now and through life, I was able to avoid drugs/alcohol and other unhealthy coping tools. I turned to art and helping others out of bad situations instead. Acting feels like a natural progression to learn more about myself but again, I don't expect anything to happen. I may get into it and hate it (haha) but it's important for me to try it out and to consider the unlikely possibility that my private life would become public. I have a current job that is extremely flexible and pays well so I have the means, time, and support to move forward. I just wanted some raw perspective from strangers. Thank you all for your help. I feel better and appreciate the outside criticism.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): I'd say your unusual family dynamics are more humorous than scandalous.So what if your husband is your ex-"step-uncle" by marriage?So what if your mother's ex is your ex-"step-father" and current brother-in-law?Nothing incestuous or improper about those relationships.While I encourage you to follow your dreams, I think you should temper your expectations. Most famous actresses in their 30's or 40's became stars in their teens or 20's and even the biggest names find it increasingly difficult to find suitable roles as they age.That's not to say you can't find a niche as a character actress. When I was a kid watching old movies with my mother she'd point out supporting actors with familiar faces but not famous names and point out that stars come and go but dependable character actors can always find work.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 February 2017):
Your scandal is not really that big in the scheme of things ... believe me there are far, far worse. Your problem is probably more the fact you have tried to hide the story of how you met, but that's not insurmountable either.
Chose a couple you feel comfortable with and invite them out for dinner. Ply them with a few drinks, tell them you have a confession to make, they will be all ears, try and turn the story onto yourself, laugh at how you feel a bit silly for trying to hide it, don't refer in any way at all to a scandal.
Tell them how pleased you are to get it off your chest ... after your story has been told once it will be easier to tell it again ... and follow your dreams. DONT give up on your dreams for a misguided fear, sure there could be some gossiping and whispers about this, but believe me, that will stop as soon as the next big thing comes along.
Sending all the positive vibes you need, you can do this, your husband sounds like he will be supportive, just bite the bullet and start telling your story.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): Follow your dreams hun! I understand why you think this is scandalous (its really really not), in a weird way it's like you married your uncle? But this man (your husband) was never related to you, not even by marriage! Your relationship and even your marriage has outlasted your mothers relationship with her ex boyfriend so don't let this stop you from living your life freely. I also guarantee you the general public wouldn't care if they found it, there's so many more "scandalous" things happening ALL the time and in comparison your scandal is worth batting an eyelid for. I also believe that in life things happen to us or people enter our lives to bring us closer to where we need to be or who we need to be with. I believe your mum had to date her ex so that you could meet your husband. This was fate! Even the fact you two pursued this relationship despite the fact you felt it was taboo is testament to the fact that it was meant to be. I think there's beauty in this situation. It shows real love prevails in spite of the obstacles life throws at us. Try to let go of this idea that you're living a scandalous life and live freely, and love deeply and follow your truth. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): My thoughts are that you are letting your imagination get away with you. I don't think this is a "scandal" at all. So what you dated your mom's boyfriend's brother? Sure it is a bit unusual, but it is not nearly incestuous or inbred, and I don't see why anyone would think it was. Maybe if you had dated your mom's actual boyfriend that would be a problem! Come on, your mom only even dated this man for 2 months!! So there is barely even a connection there. I don't see a reason why you would have to tell your friends the real story, because it is so insignificant that your mom happened to have a very short term relationship with his older brother. YOURS is the long term, lasting relationship. And as for the age difference, that is fairly common as I'm sure you know. You know what I think? I think that subconsciously YOU enjoy the idea of your romance being a "scandal". I think that it brings you a feeling of thrill and excitement, and perhaps this is the reason you are still coming up with reasons for why your union is still supposedly scandalous. But don't get too carried away with the "scandal" ideas...I think you are going way too far with it now, to the point of actually jeopardizing your relationship for literally no reason.I don't blame your husband for being frustrated. To him it must seem like you have totally lost touch with reality, and are clinging to your dramatic relationship beginning, trying to cause drama. (I can see why you are drawn to acting!) I am not trying to be mean here, I am sure you are a great person and a great wife, I am just urging you to take a more realistic view of this for both your sakes. Finally I will come to the "famous" part. I think it is great you are pursuing acting if it is what you want. But it is so very, very unlikely that you would become "famous"...especially only beginning acting at your age...most hollywood actors train as children and are famous during their 20s...sadly usually their career is waning by their 30s. It is very very rare for a career of someone famous to only BEGIN in their mid 30s. Sure there are older actresses who still make great films, but they were also famous at 20, 21 (Nicole Kidman, Michelle Williams, etc)I think it might be wise for you to see a counsellor about some of these feelings. I sense from the kinds of things you say that you let your imagination really run wild, and lose touch with reality. It may be that you are suffering from a disorder such as bipolar, or something else that may be causing this. I just think the idea of having to choose between your husband and an acting career because you might become famous is just so far-fetched... You are already imagining what the tabloids would say and fantasizing about being famous...It also strikes me as somewhat narcissistic as you are actually willing to consider throwing over your husband for some intense new desire for fame ....The acting is great, and if you just desired small-screen roles or theatre, something like that and were happy with your husband that would be great...
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