A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Over the past 9 or 10 months my boyfriend of 5 years and myself have encountered a new problem in our relationship. Prior to this, our sex life was very active and strong, we never had any problems with ED or anything like that. But for some reason, he started having trouble sustaining an erection.He could get one but once we started having sex it would go soft. And there were times when we spent a long time trying to make it work. At first I was very understanding, and we still got along fine. I figured it was stress or something and so I was compassionate and patient. But as it continued (for 3 or 4 months) I began to be fearful that the passion in our rship was dead, that he was bored with me or no longer found me sexually appealing. Every time we tried and failed to have sex I would get very upset. Also, I was sexually frustrated to the extreme. All I wanted was some good sex! I began to feel like less of a woman and the sex problems filtered through the rest of our rship, I was impatient with him in other areas and began to get more jealous (because I thought he wasnt attracted to me, I felt very insecure) and emotional. I cried all the time, whether he was around or not, the smallest things could set me off. I also began to suspect him of having an affair though he is a very busy man so I'm not sure when or where or with whom he would be cheating. I guess my imagination ran wild. All in all, it was miserable for both of us...He tried to make me feel better by saying that he was still attracted, etc, and he told me he was not cheating on me, He tried to say that it was just stress and that he was experiencing performance anxiety now so it was a vicious cycle. He would start having sex and then think "oh shit I am going to go soft like last time".... a self-fulfilling prophecy...Anyway... now... it is still going on... we had about a month where the problems seemed to be getting better, and we were finally having sex again and I was starting to feel happier and things were getting back to normal. But now its back. I don't think it's stress or anything. His life is less stressful now than it was a couple months ago (which is when things were normal). He has lots of leisure time, and lots of time on his own to relax, do things he enjoys etc.I am so frustrated with him that I have even told him to fantasize about other women when we have sex- JUST so that I can get laid, because I am horny as hell and so frustrated. He says he doesn't want to think of other women, and that he doesnt need to, because thats not the problem. He says he is still very attracted to me.I suppose this is true since I can give him an erection just by letting him see my breasts, and he is always grabbing at me and such. He is very sexual in nature, and quite frisky. But he cannot perform anymore.Anyway... I am beginning to worry that this is a problem that will be with us forever. I have been patient for the past couple months (since the troubles started again) but the pattern is evident and I am worried... what if we can never have a stable sex life again? The problem is damaging our daily interactions because I resent him for not pleasing me the way I need to be pleased. We do other things (oral, manual, sex toys) but all I honestly want is to have sex with him. The rest is fine but nothing satisfies me quite as that genital contact (I am trying to avoid being very graphic, but you ladies know what I mean when I say that it feels nice to have one inside of you!! it is a feeling that cannot be replicated by fingers or even dildos... at least not for me). and now I am thinking of leaving him. I am so sexually frustrated. I have a high sex drive and I need a man who can satisfy me. I love him so much and he used to satisfy me every time we had sex. I mean, I would orgasm just about 100% of the time! I am dying without that contact. I need him to perform. I am trying to be nice about it but inside I feel that a part of me is dying. having an affair is not an option for me but I cant help but think, if i could just find another guy to satisfy my sexual needs then our relationship would be better. my frustrations are turning me into a stressful person. masturbation isnt good enough.what do i do???
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affair, breasts, dildo, erection, horny, insecure, jealous, orgasm, sex drive, sex life, sex toy, sexually frustrated Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Please let us know how it's going. I am in the same situation with my man. At least you are lucky, your guy is trying so hard to please you. Try to focus less on sex. If necessary cheat but don't be hard on your guy and don't talk about it constantly because things will get worse. I am sure he'll get over it. I hope you are still together when that happens.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007): OMG ..... I cant believe im reading this from a woman ... thats something you would hear from a dude ....
Love is patient as the previous reader has mentioned... You arent practicing that ...
Sex isnt everything
For all your answers ... and even his solution ..
READ THIS (BELIEVE ME ... IVE BEEN CURED FROM THE SAME PROBLEM .... AND IT IS DEFINITELY MENTAL )
http://nymag.com/nymetro/nightlife/sex/features/6204/
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (5 December 2007):
 Ah yes, the mind is a powerful thing and sometimes works against us. It's like the panic attack I always get when I'm at the Doctor's office and they put that blood pressure cuff on my arm. Normally I have really low blood pressure, but you try to check it, and my mind starts racing, and it goes up considerably. If your b/f is young and healthy, and not taking any other kinds of medications (like blood pressure pills) you guys may want to experiment with Viagra. Schedule an appt. with his physician and have him go in for a physical, to make sure there's nothing else going on with him. The doctor should be able to prescribe it. Perhaps when taken in small doses it will help him stay hard long enough so you can both enjoy a fulfilling sex life before the entire relationship deteriorates. I'm sure he misses being able to perform too. Your b/f may even try cutting the pill in half the first time he uses it, so it won't end up with a boner that lasts like 8 hours. He can always take the other half later if it doesn't work as well as the full dosage. Sometimes it's better to ease into medications like this rather than jumping feet first, until you know how your body will react to it. That should help the problem tremendously. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (5 December 2007):
YOU ARE HORNY!!!!
Do you really love him?After all those years together are you ready to throw in the towel.Love is not only about the good times but the bad as well.If you can stick with him through these times,i'm sure your love will grow more and the pleasure will be greater than what you expect now.Give it some more time before you give it up.Believe he can overcome this problem and exercise patience.Imagine you lost your sex drive,as happens to several ladies,would you like him to leave you?
All the best.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 December 2007):
 In my opinion, the reason is psychological. Perhaps something is the matter with him. It would be difficult to know what. But, if he gets turned on, then he WANTS to satisfy you. He just can't. Maybe the reason is bad ol' performance anxiety.
Your assumption that a laid-back lifestyle means no stress is wrong. Stress is a bastard, and gets in the way whenever it can. He could be stressed about not being able to perform as you want it.
Is he diabetic? I have a female friend who confided me a similar problem (I was the equivalent of DearCupid without the internet niceties). The problem was, her man was diabetic and he didn't know it. His penis became less sensitive than before, so they had the sort of problems you have described. And, sadly, 22 (I assume he's about your age) is not a time that prevents you from developing diabetes.
Also, sometimes heart problems add to this. Are you two sure he is in good health?
Have you tried Viagra?
I think I can understand your difficulties. But, I'm afraid a different sex partner wouldn't help you. He would ADD to the problems you have, because he would bring cheating, disrespect, et cetera, to the relationship. This would be much worse than no sex, though it might not appear so.
If the situation is so bad that you can't stay with him, then leave him before finding someone else. Don't complicate your own life.
Take care.
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