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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid I have been with my fiance for almost 4 years. He is 30 and I am 27. In the beginning our relationship was great but then we hit a couple of ruff pathes financially and it took a lot out of us. He stopped having sex with me but I thought it was because we were both under a lot of presure. I was however patient with him and thought it will get beter. Then one nite I came home and found him with another woman in our house. I coulnt ubderstand how he could have sex with her but he cant even do it with the woman he says he loves. He of course begged me to stay and I didfor many reasons I cant explain now.The problem is it has been a year since his cheating. We have tried to work things out but he still doesnt want to have sex with me. It bothers me alot. Its not really that I would want to have sex with him. Its just that I want to feel wanted espesially after he cheated.I dont know what to do anymore. I feel dead and I can feel my love for him dying too. Should I just get out while I still can.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (22 July 2006):
 Honey, your man may have a medical problem that may be physical and/or mental. Either way it is seriously affecting your mental health, and this makes your relationship a destructive one.
Sex is not an accurate barometer for the health of your relationship, but the fact that he can't "get it up" for you is an indication of a problem, and that problem is with him not you.
I don't think he has been completely up front with you, and the fact that he cheated shows that he is not completely up front with himself. He needs to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up, irrespective of any perceived medical problems. So, for the sake of your health, you need to give him a choice. Either he makes a demonstrable effort to figure out the direction of his life with you, or he spends more time separated from you (perhaps permanently) to figure things out.
Honey, he's not anywhere near the point of deciding what he wants in life. It's time for you to communicate that you have been patient with him but his effort is wanting.
I really wish you the best. You are a caring and supportive person that needs to heal from the damage that this relationship has caused you. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2006): Has he got a medical problem he has not told you about? It has been known for a man with an impotence problem to find another women just to see if it still works. Men cant face life when they think they have lost their manhood and find it difficult to talk to their partners and become more insecue in the relationship by avoiding sex with you. They wont give you any affection incase it will lead to sex.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 July 2006):
 Wow! I can't believe you have wasted so much time on this loser. Life is way too short for you to stay in a relationship that just makes you miserable. Take a deep breath, summon your inner strength, and start packing your bags! Good luck, I'm sure you'll be just fine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2006): I am the one who wrote the letter and would just like to say thank you for your help. It makes me feel not as lonely but I would also like to add something.The reason I stayed after he cheated was because I know his reason for not wanting sex with me is in his mind. I say that because alot of times we tried but he would loose it and we would both end up crying, feeling frustrated, dissapointed and I think he must feel realy inadiquit and embaressed. And therefor after a while he just stopped trying and now has anxiety everytime I bring up the suject.I also think that the reason for him cheating was to see if he could still be a man with a woman. If you know what I mean. I am not making excuses for him and he broke my heart when I found out he cheated.We were sepperated for 5 months (my idea) and I must say that the time apart did help us. Otherwise I would not be with him anymore we would not have made it. I needed time alone to get my mind in order. But now that I am back I still see this problem. We are a very loving couple and make love to eachother in other ways the whole day by cuddeling and hugging and kissing. He is not a bad male. He is actually very sensitive.I dont know maybe I am just naive and only see things I want to see. Maybe my love for him is totally blinding me.Should I help him get over this or will I just be wasting more of my time.
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A
female
reader, noony +, writes (22 July 2006):
 please hunny dump him you have your life in front of you he is holding you back with emotional black mail treat him with the same respect he is showing you zero good luck
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (22 July 2006):
Honey, of course you are miserable. You've traded your self-esteem in for the feeling of "being wanted". Such emotional dependency cheapens the perception you have about yourself, and your ego is not having any more of it.
You need to get to a place where you can rebuild your self-esteem. That place does not include your current partner. Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (21 July 2006):
 Most times like this I would defend the man and say that anyone can change but he hasn't reformed from the last time he cheated. You should have made him suffer to let him know what he was losing. I don't agree fully with Charmedone as it is possible to love someone and cheat. For most men sex is just what it is SEX and they leave it there. People make mistakes and learn from them. He hasn't learned yet but for me to tell you to leave is unfair because I don't know what you have wrapped into all of this and it may not be that easy. I say take of your things and move in with a friend for awhile and let him sort out what problems he has and you sort out yours. This time will allow him to understand what it is that he is losing and give you opportunity to find what it is that you want to do. Take your time in this decision. If he doesn't call or act concerned at all then the writing is on the wall but you do need to get away for a spell. Time is the best healer and you will find it most helpful. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2006): I'm wondering why if he'll cheat with another woman, but swears heartfelt love for you, then why is he not making love yo you. Does he show affection to you in other ways, hun? Hugging, cuddling, touching, etc. Does he display respect..treat you well, he's not cruel or emotionally abusive or angry with you? You don't give us much information here. We know he's capable of sex because he cheated with this other woman and it appears you both have moved on and you have forgiven that. I'm guessing this was a 'one-time' thing. But, if you really do feel he's capable of intimacy and he does not have a biological problem, then it's possibly of a symptom of a bigger problem, in the emotional sense which could be related only to you. Sometimes, when couples run into monumental pressures and they experience problems, one of the partners will shut down. He may love and respect you in the emotional way, but something got broken inside him in regards to the physical/sexual aspects. Counseling may help you both, if you want to save this. We all know that sex is not number one foundation of a healthy relationship and there is so much more involved, but for most people it is a natural extension of a relationship in which generosity, receiving affection, mutual support and givingness are crucial The problem here is, he's content having a sexless relationship and you aren't. So the bottom line is, you both have different needs and core relationship values. If you want a sexual relationship, then it needs to be definitely embedded in your relationship or this relationship will self-destruct because the dynamics of this relationship is exhausting you, hurting you, draining you emotionally, to the point where you feel 'dead inside'...then you most definitely look out for your happiness and well-being and bail out
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A
female
reader, Hot (Advice) +, writes (21 July 2006):
 GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!
Got the message yet??!! How can you stay with someone that long after he cheated on you? He managed to have sex with someone else why not you? Ugggh dump the bastard!!!
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