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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he has now moved in with me. Although i love him very much, and he is mostly with me.I stress all the time when he goes round to see his kids. They have 2 children 16 and 19,so he sees his ex wife a fair ammount of time. I do have a reson to, he admitted he slept with her once behind my back when he was drunk. I am almost sure that he hasnt done it again, as she would have great plesure in telling me.Why cant i just forget it, and stop going on at him. He has broken my trust, and i dont want to feel like this. I am so insecure, and im not normally like that. I have lots of friends, that tell me I shouldnt trust him. I just want to have a normal life with him, and stop feeling so sorry for myself. What should i do? xx Thanks
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (21 July 2006):
 I know the regulars on this site are probably tired of hearing my sob story of me cheating on my ex. The thing is Malyce Synn is absolutely correct. You have to want to build that trust up again. I know it hurts like hell but if he wanted her thats were he would be as it is the easiest thing to do in this case. But he didn't go to her instead he's there with you. Keep believing in the fact that this pain and distrust goes away eventually. It won't be easy and you may need professional help but there is hope if you are willing to fight for this man and what you believe you can have. Trust me, he is hurting about this just as much as you are or more. One of the hardest things is to see the person you love hurt and know that you are the cause of that pain. Cowards run for cover and hope the whole thing blows over. Real men face what they have done and fight for what they love no matter how it tears them up inside but they are there!! Good Luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2006): Men's perspective of things differ greatly from women's.
How to communicate to him why I am upset and hurting and why I feel I can't trust him?
How do I believe in him and how do I forgive so I can work past this to get to that relationship of love, commitment, giving, sharing, being, trust, communication, fulfilling needs and wants of the other?
Why did he drink and where was he drinking; at the Ex's? If he was there to begin with; he was turning to someone he felt safe and trusted in fulfilling his need; to him he was at his low and went to her. Not good for you but to him; he lost you, he failed, he hurts, he hates himself-he turned to her and didn't use good judgement. I am sure he regrets this now. I am sure he feels like shit and thinks he doesn't deserve you as he loves you and failed you. He is being defensive and wants the oppurtunity to prove to you he can be trusted and will not make that same mistake again.
I say go and talk with a relationship psychologist. Or go to some sort of group counselling for people struggling with trust issues.
Just know that you have a good desire and that it can be built upon.
It is hard to forgive when you have unresolved questions and hurts.
A blanket statement of "sorry for what I done" does not show you that he knows what he has done. If he does not know exactly what he is apologizing for: putting himself in a position to have sex with the Ex, drinking to impare his judgement, dealing with his loss effectively and not destructively, hurting himself and you, creating in you lack of trust in him... .
Get some outside help as defensiveness as a means to get control on his hurt in hurting you is only going to worsen things.
It is a tough road ahead when the trust has been comprimised but it is well worth it.
Love. Forgive. Work. Trust. Commit. Make and keep promises. Be fair.
*hugs*
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