A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I've never written on here before but I kind of have ran out of options. A little over two months ago, I was placed in an art class at my high school. I noticed a guy in the class who I had never seen before in school, he was very attractive and I immediately gained an interest in him but I was too shy to talk to him. About a month later, he randomly started talking to me and we hit it off. We started dating and I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. I've been in relationships before and I've never felt as comfortable with a person as I did with him. I truly started to fall in love with him. We would spend ridiculous amounts of time together and then talk on the phone for hours. Unfortunately, a little over a month after we started dating, he randomly broke it off. It was really out of nowhere because we never argued or had any dull points in our relationship. I was still blissfully happy and I thought he was. He told me that he "wasn't in the mindset for a relationship" and he said that he loved me and I was his best friend, and us breaking up "didn't mean we can't get back together." He said that he was too busy and he couldn't give me the attention I deserved in a relationship. I understand him being busy because not only does he have a job but his grades in school aren't great, and he also has responsibilities at home and a young sibling he takes care of. On top of that he has his hobbies that he loves, his Youtube channel and video games. When he broke it off I was crushed. He was one of my top prorities and I thought I was one of his. I must note that this was his first relationship, he's 17 and I'm 18. Now we still see each other every day, he still saves a seat for me at lunch and comes to see me before class and we banter like we always did, minus the cutesy relationship stuff. He doesn't text me or call me anymore but I don't expect him to. It's been about 2 weeks since we broke up and I'm still incredibly sad about it, I still want to be with him but I feel like now I'm just somebody at school he sees. It hurts my heart knowing I'm not a priority to him anymore but I'm hoping I could be again, does anyone have any advice as to how to approach the situation? I would appreciate that so much thank you. Before I get the cynical "you're still in high school, forget him, enjoy your youth" lines I want you to realize that I do know that we are young, however I do not like half assing things and I really wanted this relationship to work out. Also, I was happier in our relationship than I ever was before in my life and I want to feel that again! Thank you all so much
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, crush, get back together, shy, text, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 April 2017):
 There is no relationship between you and him any more. You just haven't accepted it yet. You need to accept that he doesn't want to be with you anymore.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 March 2017):
 I agree with the other posters. Would you rather he dump you a month into it or a year down the line?
He realised a relationship isn't viable for him at the moment and was honest and open with you about it.
Respect his wishes. If you need to stop hanging out with him to get over him then tell him. I'm sure he will have no problem with that considering he broke up with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 March 2017):
 Yes, I know that you wanted this relationship to work- but HE did not. It takes two to tango. You can lead the horse to the water but you can't make it drink. Or, as we say here, you can't go to Heaven if the Saints don't want you in.
I think the concept is clear enough by now :)
You are feeling sort of taken aback, as if the rug was pulled from under you, because everything was going smooth and then all of a sudden, poof ! What is it, has he stopped liking you overnight ??
No, he did not. But it's about expectations. As you say , you wanted a lasting relationship, and he did NOT.
And this, sorry, but has quite a lot to do with age. Most 17 y.o. boys don't want a relationship, or at least they don't, when they realize the committment it entails, the limitations, the hard choices, the time sacrifices.
They want moments of elation, of connection, of passion, of happiness if you wish - but as long as it can be sustained without a consistent effort . Which, at this age ( oops, pardon )... it's quite normal and natural, all in all.
This guy told you in clear letters that his plate is quite full right now, what with school, home life, helping his parents , friends, hobbies etc. He is not willing and not able to put in the extra time and thought and emotional investement that a regular girlfriend requires . It's not that he never liked you or stopped liking you, it's just that, for now , he can't " afford " you. He gave it a try, and after one month he realized it does not work for him and called it off. Look at the half full glass and you'll see that it was much better this way than being strung along, out of habit or convenience, for 6 months, or 12.
Now, if you want to tell me that if he had been madly in love , if you had totally rocked his world, he would have MADE time, he would have FOUND a way... Probably yes. People are capable of uncanny sacrifices to stay with those they truly love ( or think they truly love ). When there's a will, there's always a way .
But, we can't slag him, and you should not get mad at him if ever you are tempted to do that , just because he did not feel you were the great and only love of his life.
He liked you, you developped a friendship, you had good moments, it was a good experience- then he moved on .
How to handle this... I think maybe you should learn to take a leaf out of his book. You had the feeling that he was happy with you, and I am sure he was. But he is teaching you that HIS happiness does not necessarily come from being half of a couple, and not necessarily from THAT specific person. You can be happy, and find happiness, in lots of things, as long as they fit in your life plan: his , for instance, includes helping out his family , taking care of his kid brother, pursuing his beloved hobbies and videogames.
Of course it's neither surprising nor wrong , if in YOUR life plan, romance features quite heavily and it is high in the list of things that create happiness . But, ( and this will sound like blasphemy to you ) it does not have to be with THAT specific guy. It was just a mismatch, it's not that you have lost your one shot at love.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2017): First of all, don't ask for advice and tell the uncles and aunts what not to advise. If you are wise, you will listen with an open-mind; or you have the option to just handle it by yourself.
It isn't cynical to remind you that you're in high school; or to encourage you to enjoy your youth. That's common-sense, and it would do you good to realize it. He apparently has!
May I suggest that you be respectful of people you come to for help.
He realizes his responsibilities; and he is trying to juggle too many things in his life for his age. His grades are already suffering; and that should really be his priority at this time. Taking care of his sibling is his parent's responsibility, not his. He is there only to help them.
High school romances should be brief; because if they're too intense, you will be distracted from your studies and your grades will be affected. He may not have been as much into you as you are into him, and that will also scare guys off. When they feel smothered, they tend to back-off. That is the smart thing to do. Not be cornered and controlled by a girl.
Teenagers can be very dramatic, and the transition to becoming an adult from a child is a tremendous challenge. You're having feelings you've never really had before; and as you get older they seem stronger.
They aren't as real as you may think they are. Your mind is still developing and you have to be able to process and manage your feelings, as your hormones begin to take-over. The idea of having a boyfriend is nice; but it shouldn't be all you think about. You should be happy in or out of a relationship. Proof that you need time to mature.
I think you should try to share time with a mixed-circle of friends; and not just focus on boys. After all, they are just "boys"; and not likely to be as intense or serious about relationships as girls at your age. To imply he's "half-assing" because he's not ready to take on more than he can handle right now isn't fair.
If you ask me, he sounds like a level-headed, good-natured, and well-balanced teenage boy. He is responsible and he was honest with you. There will be lots of other boys who will be interested, and being too intense at your age isn't healthy for you; or the boy.
Developing independence is just as important to your growth and development as being in relationships. You have much to learn. You should enjoy socializing with other young people your age, participating in school activities, and maintaining focus on your grades to prepare for college. Boys aren't going anywhere. They'll be there the whole time!
Sorry if I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear, but hope I've offered you what you need to know.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 March 2017):
 You can't make a relationship work ALL by yourself and HE isn't interested in a relationship right now.
He has been pretty honest about that. He knows you expect more, expect to be a higher priority etc. but he CAN'T give that to you. Now, perhaps he shouldn't have dated you in the first place but at least he didn't drag this out.
You HAVE to listen to what he said and accept it. HE doesn't WANT a relationship right now because he has other priorities.
The whole " we are best friends and "didn't mean we can't get back together." was him LETTING you down easy. He still talks to you at school because 1. it would be awkward not to and 2. he DOES like you as a person.
This relationship lasted a MERE month. I think you are idealizing HIM and what you had.
This has nothing to do with age, but HE knows he needs to pick up his grades if he wants to graduate, that MIGHT be his focus and maybe you should stop trying to revolve around him but do the same.
I know it's not what you want to hear but that is what it seems like going by your post.
...............................
|
