A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What is going on with my wife? She had an affair with another guy that we both know, and I only found out about it after more than a year and a half..before the start of her affair we argued and fought alot ,but at one point for no apparent reason she almost totally stopped fighting with me...At the time I didnt connect the dots, but after the fact I realized that this mellowing out coincided with the start of her affair...I was told by someone who knew the other guy that it was an intense affair, and that my wife was over at his apartment quite alot, usually when I was at work..After finding out, I told her I knew what was going on, and told her to stop...She did,and apoligized to me, saying that she was very sorry and had made a big mistake..I was hurt but love her, and accepted her apology..Since that point we have gotten along fine...FAST FORWARD four months later...I now have proof that she has been trying to contact the other guy by phone, and has even passed by his apartment in her car....Why cant she get this other guy out of her head?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2017): Take all her words out of the story. Look at only her actions. What do you see?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2017): Why can't you see she wants him more than she wants her marriage?
My friend, if you've had arguments over an affair, only to discover it continues; you have a decision to make.
Things were only quiet to throw you off-guard. So she could resume where she left-off. Her empty apologies are merely to keep the peace and avert your attention elsewhere; away from her affair with another man. You're being played, and you're pretty much allowing her to.
Now you're spying and following-up on her actions. How on earth would you know she passed by his apartment? Are you following her around? Keep others out of your personal-life. You don't need a third-party to stir the pot!
Affairs that continue after discovery, are solid evidence a marriage is over. There is no longer trust or fidelity to hold it together. Love will slow down the process of coming to terms with the truth; but we men are logical creatures. We use logic when the heart and our emotions have failed us.
She has found what she wants and needs with another man. Maybe it is time you accept it, and set her free. You deserve better than this. Don't allow things to drive you to irrational behavior; handle this while you're able to handle things with a level-head. Passion can overrule your better judgement; so try to keep it together, and reason your way through this.
Start looking for a divorce attorney, she probably already has.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 March 2017):
 Because she doesn't WANT to get him out of her head and life?
Have you two worked through whatever issues that cause all this fighting? And have you two worked through the affair part?
And let's say she DOES contact him (trying to contact means INTENT) - what then? Will you continue to "tell her" what to do and expect her to stop?
It sounds like you marriage isn't working. For either of you. She is not really interested in making the marriage work and she is wanting to be with someone else.
Are you the breadwinner? Taking care of HER? Do you have kids?
Why hold ON to her and this marriage when she is already out the door.?
You can't run a marriage or relationship all by yourself and it seems like SHE is not really bothered to put in the work or effort to make the marriage work. Is this how you want to live your life? Taking care of someone who is chasing someone else?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2017): Because she doesn't have to. You take her back, so there are no consequences. Your question should be why can't you let her go? Before you say love, that is not even close to being enough.
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