A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiMe and my ex split up after 5 years. The reason for the split was because he cheated and was physically abusive, at the time of the spilt i was 21 he was 27. It was not an amicable split due to finance and our property, but we finally sold that in october. Anyway....17 months on and his got a new girlfriend (who is 5 months pregnant) and now they are engaged. I didnt realise how much this affected me until now....! I find my self going with guys just for the sake of it...? Its so out of character....? i know all they want is sex so why do i give into it...? is it to hurt myself....? or do i do it to feel wanted...? or am u jealous of my ex and trying to hard to have what he has....? i don't know.... but know that this cant go on...... but cant seem to stop myself....?Why am i doing the things im doing.... am i normal or insane...?
View related questions:
engaged, jealous, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): Passionatelynumb has hit it right on. That is most likely exactly what will happen. The great guy that you meet later will likely either leave you over this or will feel hurt for many years. My wife went through exactly the same thing after she left her first cheating and verbally abusive husband. She felt unattractive, old at the age of 30 and lonely. She also probably wanted to get back at her ex for cheating on her, but he never knew so what did that get her. She did exactly what you did and felt exactly the way that you do. It was counterproductive and it took her many years to feel good about herself.
Perfectly normal is not the right answer. Take the advice that Yos has given you. You are getting used for sex and while it is probably true that you are using them for what you think you need, it is obvious that you are not happy about your behavior. I'm sure that it makes you feel attractive and wanted when you get picked up. You want affection, but most likely just get sex. At least that is what my wife remembers most of the time. Then you feel bad about what you are doing.
I understand what you are feeling, as my wife and I have discussed her behavior and feelings and needs many times. She never really understood why she was promiscuous until we discussed it after many years together. I came close to leaving her soon after we started dating because of her behavior, but I an happy that I didn't. However, what she did made things difficult for both of us. She felt cheap and I thought the same of her. I, as different men have said on this board, was brought up to think very badly of promiscuous men and women. It is very difficult for guys like me who didn't pick women up just for sex to accept that behavior.
You need to settle down and take the time to find someone who will treat you well and not just use you for sex. There is nothing wrong with having sex with a new partner, but make sure that he is not just after the sex that you provide.
A
male
reader, passionatelynumb  +, writes (22 June 2009):
 Next time you are about to jump into bed with some meathead who just wants to get in your pants, think of this: One day (probably sooner than you think) you will meet the man of your dreams. He will respect you and treat you like royalty. He’ll think he has won the lottery every time you smile at him and tell him you love him. Right now he’s probably not in the clubs or bars pissing away his money attempting to get laid, he’s probably either in school studying or at work building up his career. He is saving his money so he can one day buy a home with his wife and children. Those men are out there. They don’t stand out like the guys that just want sex because they’ve spent their time and resources honing social skills that don’t involve convincing girls to have sex with them on the first date. Think of how much it’s going to sting this man who will one day ask you to marry him every time you give the most intimate part of yourself to these players that couldn’t care less about you. You aren’t hurting your ex-boyfriend by being self-destructive. You are only hurting your self and turning sex which should be a special bond between you and the man you love into a cheap thrill. Promiscuity only hurts your chances of finding and keeping a man like the one I described. Don’t be one those girls who has to tell her husband that slept with a ton of guys just because their self-esteem was low. It’s a scar that will haunt you and your future husband for ever.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (22 June 2009):
 Like the others have said it's normal behaviour. It's like a 'rebound' relationship, or in your case a string of them. You feel rejected and so are needy, and at least sex with these guys is giving you something, although as you are finding out: not enough.
Having said that, it's not really healthy behaviour. I'm sure you've heard this before, but it's tried and tested. Best thing to do is to stay away from guys until you're over your ex. Very hard to do, but worth trying. Instead plan fun things with your friends, and keep yourself busy doing stuff you like to do. You'll find you don't 'need' a guy to be happy. And once you're in that place, you'll be much more able to find the right guy to be your next serious boyfriend.
...............................
A
male
reader, greg290352 +, writes (22 June 2009):
 Totally agree you want attention and affection. Something I did at one point in my own life. Its easy to forget the hurt with a variety of sex dates. My only comment is try not to confuse sex with love which some girls do. As long as you accept the sex for what it is just enjoy it and have fun. At some point you will look for longer term relationship material again.
...............................
A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (22 June 2009):
 You're craving affection and attention that you've lost from the ex, it's pretty normal so I wouldn't worry.
...............................
A
female
reader, Imayknow1980 +, writes (22 June 2009):
 This is perfectly normal. When
...............................
|
