A
female
age
41-50,
*ap23
writes:Hi, it's a long story but will try to make it brief! I was with B the father of my 2 children 10 years.He was absolutely the love of my life and I was totally in love however I am certain it wasn't the same for him.B cheated on me throughout the relationship sleeping with people I knew such as my sister's lodger, my cousin's friends etc...He would sneak out of the house when we were asleep and not come back until morning and was always away on business trips which when I contacted his company were not scheduled... he was actually in the office!We split because of this around 8 years ago but I am not able to move forward with my life. I have met many men since and started relationships but end them as soon as I feel it's getting too serious.. after a couple of months. I still feel love for B and miss him so much it's unreal. B has had a long term relationship up until last year when she left him for another man and B spent last Xmas with me and the kids... (his family live abroad).We get along fantastic and take the kids for meals and trips out as a family which is the only time I feel happy but then he goes home and my heart breaks! There's been nothing between us happen but I feel so depressed and messed up. I cry all the time and broke down at work this week. I need to find some happiness but don't know how?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2015): I'm sorry about the pain you're feeling. I know how awful and consuming it is to have a broken heart. Clearly this man is camping inside your head and causing you a lot of grief, but don't lose hope. It can get better!Keep reminding yourself that B is a major loser and is unworthy of you. He's a cheater and always will be. He disrespected you and would do so again. He feels entitled and has no concern about the hurt he has caused you. He could well be a narcissist or a sociopath. He only cares about one person--himself.You are way too good for him, and I hope you will remember that every time you think about him. I hope you will go to sleep remembering that.To heal, you must love yourself enough to put this man out of your heart for good. To start, you must take good care of you. Get enough sleep, eat well, and get exercise. Pamper yourself.I realize that it's probably not possible to cut off all contact with him as he's your children's father, but see him as little as possible. As difficult as it is, you must stop the family outings and get-togethers with him as they're preventing you from healing and moving on.Consider involving yourself in something that you find fascinating, a hobby, community project, or volunteer work--something that will make you feel good.Write "never to be sent" letters and poetry to get your feelings out. And focus on you and what you can accomplish with your life now that he's out of it. Other doors have now opened for you, and they could lead you to greater happiness.It may even help you to see a counselor who specializes in grief recovery. After all, you are grieving a loss, something that was once a major part of your life. Perhaps your whole identity is wrapped up in this man, and you can't get past that part of the relationship. What you are experiencing, considering the time frame, sounds like what's called "complicated grief." A counselor can determine if the sadness you're experiencing needs professional treatment that could help you move forward. And finally, keep dating. You don't have to get serious with anyone until you're ready, but it would do you good to have some fun. And if you give a new relationship a chance, it could blossom into something more beautiful than you've ever experienced. I know that's hard to believe now, but you can get over this man. And, most likely, some day you'll wonder what you ever saw in him. Good luck. I wish you the best.
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (29 November 2015):
 You are intent on fulfilling your role a victim. The guy was unfaithful to you. He is a serial philanderer. But worse than that he didn't even care enough to be discreet. He treated you like you didn't matter. Now you are saying, thank you, yes please, I'd like some more.
Try and remember what it felt like back then. Don't idealise the past. You were shown less respect than you deserved. But, if you go back for more you deserve everything you get.
A new love won't be the same, it might be better. You have to turn the page to get to a new chapter. Put the past in a box and move into your new life.
Don't let yourself be treated as his doormat again. You won't alter him because, not only has he no reason to change, you allowed him to be like that. I'm sorry if that sounds hard but sometimes you need to hear it like it is. He isn't for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2015): First time on this site and your post called out to me. It breaks my heart that you are so unhappy but the change has to start with you.
B has no respect for you, otherwise he wouldn't have cheated. Men know exactly what they're doing and if we allow them to get away with such behaviours, it will continue.
He moved on, so you should do the same. Men live in boxes and they can shut one box and open another whereas women, all of our boxes are intertwined. You are comparing all the people you have met to B and that's why you are unable to move on.
From another perspective, think if this happened to your daughter (if you have a daughter) - what would you advise her? Would you allow her to be with such a man or would you tell her to get rid.
There is no denying it, he is the father to your children and always will be but you cannot stop living your life for him, the person you fell in love with is not there otherwise you would be together.
You sound like a beautiful good hearted person and so you deserve so much more so stop settling for less and be with a man who will wake up so thankful for you everyday, not just when it suits him.
I do not want to be harsh but I want you to live your life. Not for B but for you and your children.
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