A
female
age
36-40,
*ora54
writes:Hello everyone,My boyfriend and I (we are both 24) recently lost our virginity to each other. We talked about it together vaguely for about 2 months before, and seriously for about a month before we had sex. We have been seeing each other for about 6 months, and we live an hour away from each other, so we mostly see each other on weekends. We both have told each other we love each other beforehand, and I am completely comfortable with him and trust him, and I know he feels the same way about me, so, moral of the story, we took our time and certainly didn't rush into things, making sure we were both on the same emotional page first.After a couple initial awkward tries, we successfully had protected sex at his place. There was a scary moment where the condom slipped off inside me, and for a week afterward I was a little worried, but thankfully, there was no real pregnancy scare, and I told him as soon as I was sure. I know, directly after the act, that he felt a little foolish for not making sure the condom stayed on him as he pulled out, and quite frankly, it should have been something I was aware of too, but thankfully no harm was done. So in light of that temporarily scary aspect of it, the next couple of weekends we spent with each other, we didn't have intercourse; it was pretty much an unspoken agreement that we would just take it easy for a little while because we were both a little shaken up about that "hiccup" that happened.Anyway, last weekend, I asked him what he thought of the fact that we had sex, and if he felt ready to do it again sometime in the near future. The root of my question comes with his response to me. He said that even though he was glad it was me that took his virginity, he's not sure if he was ready at the time. He also said that after we had sex, starting Monday morning, he felt very much more emotionally attached to me and very lonely after I had left for the week, and I gleaned from his tone that it scared him a little that he was feeling that way. He has not been distant in any way since we had sex and he had these feelings. We still talk almost every day, and we keep our weekends free for spending time with each other, he still tells me he loves me like he always has. I'm just not sure how to proceed after he told me of the way he felt after we had sex. I can tell he wants to evaluate his feelings in a mature way, and I want to give him the "space" to do so. He did say that he wants to have sex with me again, but not for a little while. I don't want to pressure him or make him feel uncomfortable or nervous around me. Honestly, I am perfectly able to wait until he is ready again (I mean, I've waited 24 years, a little longer won't hurt!), but I certainly wouldn't mind doing it again as soon as he wants ;)Does anyone have any advice for me on how to handle this? In my gut, I very very highly doubt that his current feelings about the act of intercourse will bode ill for our relationship. Does anyone have any opinions on this? I'd like to "check up on him" feelings-wise because I'm genuinely concerned for him, but neither do I want to rehash a delicate subject before he's ready to broach it again. Thanks in advance for any and all advice/thoughts!!!
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I think just keep going like everything is normal. Don't ask him about it, just keep up your relationship and let him keep being in love with you. That's the best thing you can do.
Next time he needs to be sure to grab the base of the condom as he pulls out. That needs to be done EVERY time, no matter what. That's his part, not yours.
A
female
reader, AuntyAunt  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I believe your relationship is going to be fine. Sex is new to you both and I think he was shocked at how emotionally attached to you he felt afterwards. Also, the pregnancy scare could make him anxious about having sex again soon. It may be a good idea for you to use other contraception such the pill aswell as using condoms, just to reassure you both a little more. Talk to him and let him know how you're feeling. He will come around soon.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 "he felt a little foolish for not making sure the condom stayed on him as he pulled out, and quite frankly, it should have been something I was aware of too"
No, that's his job. Not yours. You can't feel when the condom slips off, nor can you see much from your position. He, however, has full control of when he moves, and he should always hold on to the condom when he pulls out. That is the mans responsibility.
Just give him time now though. Be together without sex. Or suggest that you cuddle naked, without there being any sex. Maybe you can both keep your underwar on, but still cuddle and have that intimacy. Other than that just give him time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I think you're okay. Guys are very sensitive to their performance, and also, losing his virginity was a momentous thing for him too.
Just give him lots of love and affirmation. Tell him how incredible being close to him feels, and that you think about him being with you all the time.
Part of it was the pregnancy scare. He's looking at things maturely, and the condom slipping off of a careful person is terrifying. Try different types of condoms and do a lot of loveplay (minus intercourse) with one on so he can get used to it.
Just make him comfortable! Since you lost your virginity as well, I'm sure it didn't help things knowing that your first time was uncomfortable to you. That adds to the performance anxiety!
Let him know that you're hungry for his physical touch. Let him feel like he can satisfy you. Don't distance yourself. Just start again...making out, figuring out ways to pleasure each other. People forget that sex is a fun exploration, and it's not without a sense of humor!
Don't let him get too serious! The main focus is about your love and feelings for each other! Make him feel like you're the desert and he's your rain! Yes, it's a bit of ego-stroking, but sometimes, that's all it takes for a guy who's self-conscious to break out of his anxiety like the girl he's most anxious to please telling him in no uncertain terms that she wants every hot, succulent inch of his glorious male body.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I have to agree with you. It is highly, highly unlikely that your relationship is in any kind of jeopardy. What your boyfriend says he feels is actually quite normal and the fact that he was candid about it is a good sign.
I don't think you need to 'check up on him' as he isn't ill or injured. You can keep a lazy and discreet eye on the situation if you like, if it will help you feel better, but I would behave business as usual. Sometimes when we feel vulnerable, or off in some way, what we need most is for the people and the world around us to be normal so that we can process our thoughts and get back to feeling normal too. Make sense?
I think everything will be fine. I don't see any red flags here.
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