A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey all, I'm hoping to get a lil advice cuz I've run out of ideas.I've been dating this wonderful woman for 6 months now. We get along great, talk everyday, understand each other, see a future together. I truly do love her and I know she loves me. She's leaving Mich. to move to me, I know she doesn't regret having to move because it was her idea and she wants to leave Mich. My family loves her and that is important to me. We're a really great couple and she really is everything I ever wanted and could want.That is till an argument comes up.....I'm laid back, calmer, 26 years old. She's a little more uptight, takes everything to heart and is 39 years old. We are both very strong willed and do not like to be pushed around.Its just recently, that our fights seem to be very hurtful and we lash out so much that after a fight, we don't talk for a day or so. When we try and talk out the fight and even during it...she has the habit of trying to point out she's right and i'm wrong. She picks apart everything I say even if I try to explain what i mean. Or she points out my flaws. During our fights, we try not to listen to each other but raise voices so we talk louder then the other. And whenever I try to stop a fight before it starts, she doesn't allow it...but when she wants it to stop, i'm forced to follow even if then i don't want to. This is the only time that its all or nothing, her way or no way.I know right now she's under alot of stress and i try to be supportive...even if i know stress is not a valid reason or excuse. But to have this go on and now to the point where our recent fight (two days ago) left me in tears, is just not right. It isn't making me think of leaving her or anything, its just the fact that this sweet, funny, adorable woman can hurt my feelings in seconds even if the reason we fight is something she assumed, or said to start it. The table always get turned on me and I'm pointed out to be the 'bad guy'.What I want to know is how do I deal with her when she does that? Do I talk to her as carefully as possible? Ignore it? Does it have to do with our ages maybe...maybe because she is my elder she thinks she knows more? How do I get her to stop assuming i'm feeling a certain way because of something i texted her?She says she wants me to be me, but how can i be if i'm afraid to say certain things in fear of offending her or making her mad or feel like i'm rejecting her?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 August 2008):
 Oh yay! I love happy endings! I also love updates, especially when things sound so positive. I'm happy the odd rules helped, and thank you for updating; I was actually looking for this answer the other day when I was answering a similar question. I couldn't find my 'rules'.
If you remember that relationships need tending, you're in great shape. Sounds like you're on the right track now.
With thanks and best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate!
Wow thank you all for all your advice and thoughts. I really took some time to think and see where I wanted to be. I decided I really want my girlfriend and took that step to talk to her face to face and hopefully settle things. After about two hours of talking and listening and for the first time actually hearing each other with no screaming and arguing, we both decided we wanted our relationship to last.
Since June we've been talking more, listening to each other and being able to talk out things sans fighting. We've grown closer and are more affectionate as we were in the beginning..everything is loking great for us now and I have you all to thank.
Tisha-1...I admit your guidelines seemed odd at first, but i was willingly to give anything a shot to save my relationship. We've followed all ten of your 'rules' and its been working great since. Thank you so much.
Thank you all!
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Hi, In relationships. there has to be mutual respect. You can love someone to pieces, be a very nice person, on both sides, but if you don't mutually respect each other, the problem will always rear it's head and the walls go up and the anger flows. Some people have to have their way, your lady is used to getting her way. That gets in the way of her listening and considering, what may be a point which makes your side of the argument more valid or stronger. That does not matter to her, what her goal is, even before the argument begins is that she has to win in the end. it is not about age, I don't think, it is about personality. This is who she is, when it comes to this side of her. She may say she wants you to be you, but only if she is on top as the winner, whenever you have a disagreement. The sad thing is, if she does not understand, if you try to explain this to her, you are probably not going to see a change. She has to recognize what is going on and desire to change for the sake of the relationship. This is also a bit abusive, as she is forcing her will on you. You cannot allow this to go on, your self esteem will be eroded and you will certainly become henpecked, as they say, not good. My serious thought is, and you have to make the final assessment, sometimes love is not enough. If she cannot adjust, and this is going to go on all the time, it is no good, it is not healthy. There is an article that I would want you to read, which may very well help you, go to:
www.socyberty.com/writers/quiet+voice.8137 Look for an
article entitled "Letting Go: Stop Chasing Ghosts"
You my dear are a human being, entitled to the respect of those you encounter, this is not something you should endure, mutual love includes mutual respect, if your lady cannot bring herself to repect you, then you must stop and think about entering into a long term relationship with her. You know how you feel after one of these sessions, how could you continue to put up with it. It is a form of intimidation. As I said it is unhealthy, she has to want to change, if she is not going to listen and it has to be her way in the end all the time, where does that leave you? Think long and hard about this. Love includes mutual respect. Good luck, stay in touch.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 June 2008):
Forgot the most important rule.
Keep your sense of humor. Very very important.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 June 2008):
You both need to learn the rules of fair fighting. Sounds idiotic, I know, but if you adopt some set guidelines when you're both calm, when things escalate into a fight, you have a framework that will keep things in bounds.
Some rules I suggest for you:
1. No name calling.
2. Stick to the issue at hand; past history cannot be introduced to the fight. Stay focused on the problem.
3. Avoid the use of the words 'you never' or 'you always' because these are rarely true and also violate rule #2.
4. Use 'I feel...' instead of 'you make me feel...'. This avoids the blame game.
5. Remember that if one person 'wins' the argument, both actually lose. Do not look upon this as a win-lose situation, you both want to go for the win-win.
6. Avoid generalizing, see rule #3.
7. When one partner makes a statement in the fight, the other partner must repeat it back to show that it has been understood.
8. Agree on a length of time that one partner speaks, without interruption. The the other partner must follow step #7 before replying.
9. Do not go to bed angry.
So take these rules, and you can research others online, sit down with her and agree on a mutual pact to fight fair. I'd also suggest that maybe a little couples counseling might be in order too, if she is unwilling to listen to this with you.
Different people learn different ways of fighting from their families. In mine, conflict was to be avoided at all costs. Not actually a very healthy way to deal with problems. In others, people shout and yell and scream and carry on, then make up within an hour, and go on as if nothing had happened. You put one from column A with one from column B, and you are set up for disaster. So talk about this too, what your family and your own personal fighting styles are like. This should again be done when you're both calm.
Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 It could be that she feels as she is older then she is in charge of the situation almost as though she were your mum or older sister therefore she must be right. However its not always age related some people just cant admit to being wrong and have to be right all the time. My mother is just the same and no amount of arguing will ever make her see my side of the story or admit that my opinion etc is ever right even when based on absolute fact.
I have learned not to get into these arguments with her as it always ends up with us screaming and shouting and then not talking, once for 6 months. I avoid telling her any of my problems where she thinks she knows best about what to do or getting into a discussion that could involve her becoming heated and opinionated. Not always easy but the difference is you will have to live with this woman whereas I can walk away from my mother and not see her for a few days if she annoys me!!
It was my husband who made me see that it doesnt matter if she has to be right even when the whole world can see she is wrong, I have to be the better person and just say things like, 'Oh right, really, I didnt know that', rather than actually pointing out she may be wrong or I might change the subject but I refuse to bite anymore.
So you have to decide whether you can make the conscious effort not to get embroilded in these silly arguments if thats possible, if not decide whether you can actually live your life like this. It may be that she needs to learn new skills to cope with stress or even anger management. You should be able to talk to her about this without her getting angry, if you cant then you do need to take a long hard look at this relationship before you move in together. i wish you luck x
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