A
female
age
41-50,
*eppytoon
writes:I just got married about 2 months ago and we are already having major marital problems. We can't seem to get along at all anymore. We have been seeing a counsellor for months (even before we got married) but it isn't helping at all. I don't feel as though my husband is using the tools that our counsellor is giving us to fix things. I'm not saying it's all his fault that we fight, I'm just saying that he's not exactly following the guidelines we've been given to mend what's broken. He has become emotionally withdrawn, rarely ever wants to have sex (if I'm lucky it happens 1 or 2 times a month-only twice on our honeymoon) and when I cry he just gets mad instead of comforting me. I've tried letting him know that it hurts that he does this but that doesn't change anything. I don't understand what went wrong and don't know what to do. We just got married and should be enjoying this together but we're not. It hurts so bad. I know that he loves me but I don't think he likes me. And I don't think he is sexually attracted to me anymore either. So, I guess my question is, should we stay married or should we consider the dreaded "D" word? If counselling hasn't helped and things keep getting worse, is it possible to fix things? Will I ever be able to feel that we are in love again after all the problems we've had? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Mandy7777  +, writes (6 November 2008):
I just got married recently...I am alot older than you and have been married before...anyway, my marriage is falling apart as well...Same problem you are having....I have come to some serious conclusions regarding this "problem" we are having....I have noticed time and time again that todays "man" really lacks "leadership" skills...everything from wanting to work to taking the initiative to restore relationships...to making it his business to be sure that everyone in his family is happy and healthy - that's what leaders do....I find that more and more women have to take the initiative and "lead" in all situations while their "guy" is sitting back and letting her do all of the work....What I get from your question is this: You are out there looking for answers, but I sincerely doubt he is doing the same....My point is this...He should be taking some initiative in your marriage...He should be making it HIS business to find out what's on your mind and CARE about your concerns...YOU should not have to be trying to figure this out all by yourself!! If that's the case, I have to question how much he really CARES!! And it is true that men will TYPICALLY sit back and do nothing....Then, they are shocked when their woman walks out the door.....
Remember this: You can't MAKE somebody love you!! And their love for you is shown by ACTION not words.....Getting angry when you say how you feel is completely OUT!! He should CARE about how you feel and WANT TO KNOW what's on your mind.....
My advice is to "stand down"...don't argue, but instead spend your time taking care of yourself and your own issues...This type of situation can totally erode your self esteem and make you feel worthless...Do not let that happen...Get counseling - good counseling - for yourself!!
Let him take care of his own problems.....When and IF he's ready, he will meet you halfway and pursue you (as he should)....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): Hi Peppy, I was married in September 07 to my partner of 3 years. We have lived together most of that time and have 2 dogs. We had a few communication issues before we got married and frequently fought - but never for more than a day and usually it only happened once a fortnight or so. At the end of the day we loved each other and that was all that mattered. However, after returning from our honeymoon i went into a downward spiral - i put this down to the fact that a year of wedding planning kept me so busy and now i have nothing to do - i'm bored. My husband and I fight CONSTANTLY now and on a much larger scale than before. Neither of us are happy and we seem to go round in circles when we try to find a solution. I am hoping to enter into marriage counselling soon as i too believe that noone gets married to get divorced. I don't have any advice for you or any answers - but i do hope that you feel you are not alone because i am with you sister.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 November 2007):
 Just one more thing, Peppy: see carefully whether the relationship is moving in the right direction. This is a situation that can only improve or worsen; it won't stay the same. If, after some time (say, some months) you see the situation is "the same", that will be a big red flag that you have to move on.
I'll be cheering for you.
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A
female
reader, Peppytoon +, writes (6 November 2007):
Peppytoon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Danielepew. I have told myself that a few times...but like you said, it's going to be very difficult to stand back and wait and hope for the best. But I guess that's something I'm going to have to do. I want my husband to be happy and I don't want to nag or put all the blame on him. But I truly am making every effort I can to try and get back on track. I can't count on my fingers how many times I've "backed down" from an argument and been the initiator of apologizing. It is hard to give without receiving but maybe if I just give him time and space to heal on his own. I guess there's nothing more I can do at this point.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (6 November 2007):
Peppytoon, I do believe you when you say no one gets married to divorce any time soon. And I also believe you were not having these kind of problems, or at least they weren't that serious. I'm sorry to learn that being married has changed things for the worse.
You have made your share of the effort. What you have to do now is to wait for a while to see whether he will walk his own half of the way. I understand that this is going to be very difficult, but this is your "winning strategy" if you are to stay married.
Even if he will seem reluctant at first, I would suggest that you try to solve small issues, one at a time. If you have, say, a hundred problems, and one gets solved, then the burden is lighter and you can concentrate on the remaining ninety-nine. This takes time, but since the pressure is relieved a bit that time becomes easier to go through.
I wish you success in this. Keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, Peppytoon +, writes (6 November 2007):
Peppytoon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielepew, thanks for your thoughts. It is a difficult situation to be in. Marriage, to me, is not something to be taken lightly. I have thought about the dreaded D word but I know that is not something I could actually go through with. I realize that in my original question, I come across as blaming my husband for everything and I really tried not to do that. I know it takes two to fight and that I am partly to blame. My own faults have been discussed in counselling many times, just as equally as my husband's faults. I have already owned up to my own weaknesses, faced them and am taking steps to deal with them. As much as we argue and scream at eachother for the smallest things, we still respect eachother. It's just finding a way to better deal with the issues when they happen which is so hard for us. It's not as though I am in an abusive relationship, nor am I worried he will cheat. I just hope that my husband and I can work through it so that we can get on with our lives and get back on track the way we used to be before we got engaged.
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A
female
reader, Peppytoon +, writes (6 November 2007):
Peppytoon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI totally respect your thoughts and completely get what you're saying. I too have always wondered why in the world would anyone ever get married if they knew they had problems before. And I always swore to myself that when I got married, it was for good. But I do know that all relationships need work and that it is never an easy road to travel. The thing is, before we got married, our problems weren't this bad. We were experiencing some communication trouble but they were quite minor. I didn't get married just to get divorced..believe me...no one does. And it is not something I want to go through and will go to the ends of the earth to make sure that it doesn't happen...which is why I am desparately reaching out to others for all the advice I can get. I am not looking for answers, I am looking for advice, or just someone who understands and can listen.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (6 November 2007):
Peppytoon, I have a bad feeling about your marriage. You should still be feeling like you were on your honeymoon; instead, you're having horrible problems. I wonder if there is any way to fix this. Of course I think you should try. bit I would like you to bear in mind that maybe you won't sort this one out. It looks very difficult from the start.
Communication is extremely important, yes. However, it is not a cure-all. Two people screaming the worst names at each other are indeed communicating. They are also changing the relationship for the worse; but they are communicating.
In your post, I see that, in your mind, he is the problem. You have done no wrong; he has. I'm willing to believe you, but, one party being entirely to blame is rarely the case. You should be open to the idea that perhaps you are to blame, too.
If you two can't work the marriage out, then you should divorce. That is a much, much, much better option than the hell you're living in.
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A
female
reader, Peppytoon +, writes (6 November 2007):
Peppytoon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Peoriaman, that is a great suggestion and one that I will definitely follow up on. You hit the nail right on the head when you said that we need quality time in order to connect. That is something we have had difficulty with. Every time we fight, we don't go through that healthy "make up" period that I so need to have. He has a hard time letting go of old issues which constricts him from acting affectionately towards me, even on a good day. This is something that our counsellor has stressed, that we have to start making up again other wise all the old issues will keep piling on top of the newer ones thus causing complete chaos between us. But it's easier said than done and is going to take a lot of hard work and will require both of us to step outside of our comfort zones in order to see any changes to the patterns we've created. But communication is by far the most important tool to maintaining a healthy relationship and this is something my husband and I really need to dig deep into.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): Dear poster
Wyh did you guys get married when you both knew you had problems, did you think marrage would cure them? You clearly stait that he does not meet your emotional needs and now he's getting frustrated and angry are you expecting too much? What has the counsellor suggested? why pay for counselling if your not going to take their advice? they are the experts after all I don't think anyone can give you the answer you want only yourself. Good luck and take care.
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