A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I live with my (16 years older) boyfriend. We've been together for a few years, but we're not married yet and I'm pretty sure I know why we haven't taken that step yet. He has openly stated that he's concerned about my absent-mindedness and difficulty multi-tasking/not being able to keep track of things (He's very organized and efficient, successful) and his constant attempts to be my self appointed "life-coach" drives me kind of crazy. Here are some examples of a typical heated conversation:Him: "Why can't you find your phone? What if you forget our future baby in the car?"Me: "Why are you so uptight?" (Thank God I didn't tell him about the time I was babysitting, and forgot my phone) and had to try the kid's house key in like ten different doorsHim: (After a couple of glasses of wine, okay maybe half a bottle) "Why are you eating deli meat after you cooked us those two beautiful filet mignon steaks? Me: I decided I don't want to eat the steak. It reminds me of the animal that it used to be.Him: (Sigh) Life is all about efficiency. Life is complex. We have a responsibility as adults to make the best choices for ourselves and our family. Keeping track of the bills, our phones, our keys, our calendar and schedules and remembering to pick up the (hypothetical) children are all very important.Me: Don't talk to me for the rest of the night. YOU DRIVE ME NUTSHim: Why is your signal still on even though you changed lanes long back? Stay focused, remember efficiency!Me: My driving deteriorates when you're in the passenger seat because I know you're watching how I drive. Sure I drive like a grandma but I've never been in an accident. So now I'm all thrown off. Thanks a lot.He's an engineer. He was raised in a third world country. Whereas I was born here, with privileges I guess. So it's true I can be a little wasteful. I get that he's also about efficiency and optimization. But he is driving me nuts and I was thinking that our future children would struggle in two ways. He's afraid I'd forget to pick them up, and I'm afraid he'll lecture them to bits. I know he means well, but I'm so frustrated even though I love the guy.The good news is that he has suggested pre-(engagement) couples counseling. I'm pretty sure we need it. Has anyone else experienced this kind of situation? And how did you cope? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 January 2017):
 Honestly counselling would be a waste off money for you both. You cannot get two people to meet a happy middle when they are just not compatible. It is clear that you both should not be together. He drives you nuts and he criticizes everything you do.
Comparing a child to a phone is ridiculous. He has had a tougher start to life than you, and he has much more life experience so he will talk down to you and try and teach you how to think like him, but the question is do you want him to change the person you are? Or would you want to be with a man that loves you for who you are?
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (24 January 2017):
Honestly counselling would be a waste off money for you both. You cannot get two people to meet a happy middle when they are just not compatible. It is clear that you both should not be together. He drives you nuts and he criticizes everything you do.
Comparing a child to a phone is ridiculous. He has had a tougher start to life than you, and he has much more life experience so he will talk down to you and try and teach you how to think like him, but the question is do you want him to change the person you are? Or would you want to be with a man that loves you for who you are?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 January 2017):
 Let me tell you a secret. He does not love you. He is in love with your potential, but not you. That is why he nitpicks. He is unhappy in the relationship, but stays because you are good enough, for now at least. Not good enough to marry and have kids with. He has expressed this a zillion times. But good enough for now, and maybe in th efuture, IF YOU REACH HIS IDEAL VERSION OF YOU, he will marry you and have kids with you.
But you and me both know, dear, that his ideal version of you is not you, never will be you, and that this relationship is going no where. His focus on these small details are signs that he doesn't actually want a relationship with you. He just doesn't know how to express this, or lacks the insight to see it himself. But he is not happy, and he does not want a future with you. But instead of saying flat out "you're not the woman of my dreams and I dont see a future with you", he is saying "you need to concentrate, if only you were more efficient, if only you remembered more, if only this and that, then things would be great".
If only... if only you were someone else.
It's time to move on sister, the writing is on the wall. None of you are in the wrong, none of you did anything bad or wrong... You're just not the right match. You are both wasting each others time. If you attempt to push this towards a family life, I smell divorce within very few years.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 January 2017):
 I agree with WiseOlwE
You the are NOT a great match. And I don't think counseling will change anything.
I think IF you two get married? He will be even more "nagging" than he is now.
Sorry.
He can't "train" you and you can't "train" him.
Unless you can BOTH get to a point of mutual respect and ACCEPT each other's idiosyncrasies. it's only going to get worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2017): I see two parts to this:
His Part - He is 16 years older than you. He probably forgot that 16 years ago he didn't have it as 'together' as he does now. His 'efficiency' came from maturity, the 16 years he has over you. He needs to be reminded of that. He needs to relax a bit and understand that you are 16 years younger than him and need time to get organized and efficient.
Your Part - As other's have mentioned, you need to take baby steps to get yourself to remember things and get organized. Setting reminders and taking notes on your phone is a good first step. You have to do this not for him but for yourself. It's part of growing up.
Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017): You're both incompatible as a couple. Marriage would be a disaster.
It's different if he was a total control-freak, as I'm sure a lot of people will presume. Perhaps they're right to some degree; but there's nothing wrong with efficiency and being organized. He's not demanding anything of you that he isn't capable of himself. He has a right to his standards; but not to constantly impose them on you!
However; too much criticism does not better a person, it lowers their confidence and eventually breaks their spirit.
It is also insulting to the intelligence to be corrected and constantly monitored like a child, as he does. He's accustomed to such disciplines in his life; and projecting it onto you. He's trying to make you over. That's why I say you're incompatible. He either accepts your quirks, or finds someone who has all the qualities and attributes he wants in a woman. You should find a guy who's more patient and easy-going. You still have to work on that sloppiness. It must also effect your work-efficiency?!!
I don't think he has enough patience and tolerance for someone as lay-back and absent-minded as yourself. I do think you should work on that by jotting down reminders, adding a personal-assistant app to your phone; and placing your keys and phone in the same place all the time. I might also recommend making a set of spare keys to hide in a safe and undetectable spot (being sure it's someplace you won't forget!). Did that come across like your boyfriend?:( So sorry! Those are just some suggestions based on my own problem with forgetfulness!;)
Pre-engagement counseling does not make people compatible or guarantee you a happy marriage.
It will not instill patience in an impatient man, or make you less forgetful. That's a matter of self-improvement and practice. Which should be done for yourself, not as a makeover to suit his criteria on what he demands in a woman.
If you don't fit the pattern or the mold for his mental prototype of the perfect female; you will spend an unhappy marriage feeling like you're a military recruit under a drill-Sargent undergoing basic-training. Or the school-master's least-favorite student!
You have to demand patience and respect from any man. We all have our faults and quirks. Drilling and verbal-battery doesn't help, it lowers your self-esteem and makes you self-conscience.
My life-partner was a successful lawyer. He could be very annoying with correcting my grammar, rephrasing my sentences, or correcting my paraphrasing of a quote. It was arrogant and condescending. I was a 4.0 college student, and I have a degree. I'm not an idiot, but he was so full of himself. I took it for awhile; then I corrected the situation. He began to see how much of a dick he was, when I carried a micro-recorder and cellphone around recording his ass-hat behavior. He acted as though he was surprised when I played it back to him; but he knew better. I got fed-up! I would excuse him when he corrected me, cut him off and corrected myself; and asked him never do it in-front of people. Or he'll get a lecture in manners, consideration, and respect when we got home. It took time, but he learned. I was per
Don't banter with him. Ask him to be respectful and don't insult your intelligence. If he can't be nice and speak to you in a proper-tone; reconsider continuance of a relationship. Don't get so caught-up in rush for the alter. Make sure you don't rush into marrying someone who won't leave you when he grows tired of your "incompetence!"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017): Sorry sweetie but I read your post and was smiling .. I think you need to say him hey look if I forget the baby we can always pick one up in Walmart haha be silly .. so your kookie; so am I .. my hubby says want lose something give it to her and I laugh and agree . We have kids I haven't lost them .. when there bugging me I would love to have a 2 for 3 sale as I'd throw in the dog for free haha ..I found some of it sweet actually .. I think you need to see the lighter side of it .. tell him look this is what you get .. sweep your hands down your body .. your either like it or take a hike . Say it light though jokily don't make to much fuss .. see how that works .It let him drive and you be the passenger .. see how that works and maybe counselling would be the best im mental health and my first advice would be sit down and say to him look love how I am this is me .. this is what you get .. warts and all .. see what he says and go from there .
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