A
male
age
41-50,
*igglywood
writes:Ouch, I am writing as a confused 32year old bloke who would value any advice. Me and my girlfriend (25) have been together for close on 3 years and I moved out of our home a month ago after just over a year of living together. We still see eachother a couple of times a week, kiss and cuddle, text sometimes and phone and we are still very close. I cooked for us on Valentine's Day and I think that things could be MUCH worse. So what's the problem I hear you ask? Well I was pretty distracted in the last few months of us living together, very unsettled and I said to her that I would probably never want to marry or have kids which I think really hurt her as she is an incurable romantic. I am divorced and have 2 children who live with their Mum and I have them with me every other weekend so there's that also for her to consider. I feel broken and sad because I know that if i'd bucked my ideas up in time I could have tried to sort things out though now living in a flat and being more independent my social life is improving which my girl wanted me to do. Whilst living together she had a social life and I didn't which was another source of pressure. I moved up to be with her so she was already settled but I take longer to get to know people etc. Anyway, she says that she loves me and that she just wants me to be me, in terms of getting a good social life together and really finding myself and being happy with myself. I couldn't help but try to convince her that the hurtful things I said before no longer apply and I am much more attentive to her now but I don't want to push her away. Leaving the home has given me a real wake up call and a shock to the system, I realise how much I truly love her and I want to marry her one day and build our lives together with a new family etc. Of course it's a big change of message coming from me and she says that she wants to see how she feels about life, her and about me before jumping back into the full-on thing again. Things are not too bad but I desperately want us to work but not in a way that I would push her away. I have read about not overdoing it and my friends tell me to chill out and let things happen, it's a difficult thing to do. Thanks for your patience with this long text!
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male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (14 November 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,I'm not saying that there is a problem, just don't want to let my insecurities mess things up in a new relationship so any advice would be gratefully received.I have been seeing my new girl for 2 months and last Wednesday she came round to see me to collect my clothes for the case as we were going to Paris for the weekend (booked it as we are only without our kids once every 6 weeks and her brother lives there too). She had been really upset earlier in the day feeling overwhelmed with life and had left work early to go home with the demands of work being one issue. She is on antidepressants and was referred for counselling the final straw being that they said it will be a couple of months before she is seen. She has a very demanding job and works long hours and as a consequence doesn't get so much time with her 8 yr old boy and she feels guilty about this as well as guilty about her mum doing so much of the running around for her son.She came round and said she was unsure about coming to Paris in her current state of mind, I managed to show her that a break is perhaps just what she needs, we did go and had a wonderful weekend.Anyway, on the Wednesday she said that she felt our relationship was like a road, but she wanted a country road not a motorway. We have both been really excited in these 2 months and perhaps said things that we were premature to say ie about one day in the future having kids etc which was partly tongue-in-cheek. She also asked if I had made big changes to my social life since meeting her. She feels scared of going too fast as she feels she did in previous relationships including a failed marriage though she has been driving as much as I have. We have agreed to ration our phone calls as often we would chat long into the night which compounded her problems of lack of time with work, home life etc. and made her tired.We haven't seen eachother since Monday and are not going to until the weekend and I have stepped off a little to let her chase and dictate things a little so as not to leave myself "out there" to get hurt.Should I just be there for her while she gains control over her life? Should I take it personally? Sorry it's such a long post, at heart I feel that we are great together and as long as I don't let my insecurities get the better of me we have a real chance of a great future.
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (29 October 2007):
 I'm so pleased for you. Things seem to be coming on heaps and bounds for you in this new relationship. And you're right, your ex was more familiar to you and 3 years is a long time but now you've moved on and seem to have found yourself a lovely new woman that you have a lot in common with. I wish you every happiness and hope your relationship goes from strength to strength.
Eve
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (29 October 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell to keep you posted and reassure you that happy times can come after bad times...
I am still seeing the new girl in my life and we are really enjoying the time we get together.
She put on a surprise birthday party at her house last weekend and I had my children up and her 8 yr old boy was there too. Her folks also looked in. It all felt really nice and I am seeing someone who can handle the fact that I have kids and same the other way, it almost enriches us both in the relationship I think. We do make time for ourselves though too.
Yesterday she popped out to the shop, came back and made us both a lovely breakfast and showed how thoughtful and eager to enjoy our relationship she is.
I am really happy, she meets my folks tomorrow.
I saw my ex last week, she popped a birthday card round to me and we chatted. She is moving on too with her dance partner who was always keen when we were seeing eachother. I still miss her in a way but I think it's in the sense of having been together for 3 years so she is more familiar to me. I am confident in my new relationship despite this.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (18 September 2007):
I'm so pleased for you. It's a true saying, when one door closes another one opens. Enjoy being in each others company and getting to know one another and who knows what might happen. Again, well done! Keep us posted.
Eve
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (15 September 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiya,
Just an update and good news to anyone who has viewed this esp Ask Eve!
Last Saturday I 'met' a girl on a dating website and over the next few days we had online conversations for about 10 hours over 3 days.
The conversation flowed and we got on amazingly well, we text eachother a lot and have had a few phone chats. We arranged to meet for drinks on Wednesday night and it was an awesome night. We are meeting up again tonight for our 2nd date.
Now i'm well aware of the danger of rebound relationships, getting carried away etc etc but this really feels very different to anything i've felt before. We both feel like we have known eachother for ages such is our ease with eachother and I am overwhelmed by my feelings for her.
I will take it easy and try to avoid overdoing it!!! But you know, this feels like something big!!!
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 August 2007):
I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted it to but at least she was honest with you and you can put closure on it now and move on. Things WILL get better, there are plenty more fish in the sea as the saying goes and with every day that passes you'll feel better. Here is a link that I hope will help you move on.
http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-a-Break-Up
I wish you all the best whatever you choose to do in the future.
Regards
Eve
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (16 August 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, well I have a new direction to follow in life, and that is one without my ex!Tonight we met up to see a film, all went well and it was a good evening. I still look at her as a possible match in the future and ended up texting her later.I asked straight out whether I was wasting my time holding out hope for us in the future to which she replied that she has realised that she doesn't have feelings for me in that way anymore, life's changed for her.I spoke on the phone with her and basically we agreed to stay out of eachothers way, if I can look at her in the future one day and not feel that I want to be with her then we may be able to be friends but not before.Feels like the day I was dumped but I needed closure and I couldn't understand how she had fallen out of love with me.I feel really sad, tired and upset now but I hope that this is the closure I need to move forwards with life, but it's so hard!
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (10 August 2007):
You see, she's beginning to notice a difference in you. Continue with your Counselling, you'll come on heaps and bounds and most importantly continue to have a positive attitude towards life. Remember, YOU are in charge of your own destiny so get out there, go to the gym, treat yourself to some new clothes, mingle with friends, just keep busy, work hard, THINK POSITIVE and throw it out to the Universe and see what it delevers...
Eve
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (10 August 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eve!Yes que sera sera is good. It's a struggle because at the moment I think of her every day and end up going places we've been before together then feel bad about it.She has been asking me how my counselling is going and commented earlier in the week on how I was starting to sound more positive in myself and i'm trying not to be needy for her as I know that there is nothing less attractive.She said as we split up that she'd love to see a new positive and happy me after counselling and seemed to say that she still hopes that if I can emerge from it better then who knows what will happen.I am doing this for myself though as I know that I must be happy in myself to make anyone else happy.Just a bit regretful that I have not sorted my head out sooner, and in time to rescue our relationship.Still, who knows what the future holds? I hope it includes her but at this point in time I can't tell.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (6 August 2007):
You will have times like that but hey, you'll kiss a lot of frogs before you find your princess. It may be your ex it may not be and if you're to be together then you will be. Just take one day at a time, think positive, get on with life and if it's to be it WILL be... que sera sera
Eve
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (6 August 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I think that my previous hopeful post was a little premature! The girl I met for lunch texted me the other week and made it clear that she didn't want to lead me on and didn't want a relationship so that's that.
I've also been seeing someone the last few days that comes into my work once a week. Finally I plucked up the courage to ask her out for a drink, we've been out a few times and she likes me.
I already feel that I don't want to be around this girl though and I spent all afternoon with her today but thinking about my ex, I have my kids coming up next week so I won't be seeing her again at least for another week but maybe i'll have to just tell her that it's been fun but i'm not ready for much yet.
I went out with the lads on the town last night and ended up bursting into tears (embarrassing!). It may be that the last time i'd been in that bar I was with my ex, or maybe alcohol had something to do with it.
I feel like I did straight after we split a month ago despite being a lot more confident in myself and in my ability to meet and date girls, sad and upset and feel that I just want my girl back, I still harbor some hope that we will be reunited one day.
Maybe it's all part of the healing process, sorry just feel like this is a relapse and it is hurting lots.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (24 July 2007):
Hey I'm so pleased for you! I would say you have a definite admirer there. She seems just as keen on you as you do on her so well done there! See? Your positive thinking has payed off for you. The world doesn't end when your ex wants to call it a day and better things ARE around the corner. Not only will this girl help take your mind off your ex but she may be just who you've been waiting to meet. I always say things happen for a reason, maybe things were meant to turn out the way they did with your ex in order for you to move on and meet this other woman?
I hope you have a great time at lunch. Be sure to let me know how it goes. Again, well done you!
Eve
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (24 July 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Eve,
On Sunday I met with my ex as friends and all went well but at the end I felt empty again. I told her later that I needed to be away from her and that I hopes she finds happiness and has a nice life! I am getting my bike back from hers tonight though so may just say that when i've moved on that we'll perhaps see about the friends thing then.
You said about this may be happening because there is someone just around the corner. I hope you're right.
Last week I met someone for a work meeting (she doesn't work with me)and I have met them once before, I find her attractive. I established that she may well be single and politely emailed her the next day to say thanks for coming down and that was last week and ever since we have swapped emails with yesterday being about 7 or so each which was a lot.
We admitted to eachother that we are both single and have been getting on really well. Both seem to have a similar sense of humour etc etc.
Yesterday I decided to take a chance and asked if she fancied going for lunch, she said yes, either Wednesday or next week. We arranged to meet up on Wednesday.
We also swapped mobile numbers (my sneaky way of getting it was to say it was for if we had a short notice change of plan!). She gave me her number without prompting and I text her last night and we exchanged a few texts.
Do girls who only regard others as "nice people but no hope of anything more" exchange lots of mails, texts and agree to meet for lunch? or does she sound keen?
I will know much more after tomorrow, if all goes well i'll ask her if she would like to meet up for a drink one evening.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (17 July 2007):
You're missing her and thinking negatively now. Just get on with things and keep a little bit of her in your heart then when December comes meet up again like you both agreed. A lot can happen between now and then but it will certainly test you both. Keep in touch and let me know how things go okay?
Eve
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (17 July 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Well so many people have said to make a complete break from my ex, at least for a while and I thought I knew best!!!
I had felt much more in control for the last week and able to cope with whatever comes. We met up for a drink last night, almost as if to put the past behind us and move on in a new situation.
Needless to say I found it hard and came back feeling dejected and empty.
We agreed to get together in December and review where we are at then. I asked her how she meant and she thinks that we should get on with our own lives, meet up with eachother as friends and if we get to December and realise that we are still really keen on eahother (ie have started seeing much more of eachother) then at that point we could decide to really make it work.
We both admitted that it would be hard to have knowledge that eachother were dating/meeting others and agreed not to tell eachother about it if we do (like normal friends would!)
I know that in a way this is prolonging the agony if I keep my hopes up so I must sort myself out and see how it all goes and only see her again when I feel that I won't be so raw and upset afterwards.
Think she just isn't quite ready yet to say that it's over between us...forever!
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (15 July 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI meant that to read my trust in FATE !
Whatever will be will be and whichever way I will be happy so thanks again for your wise words. Will keep in touch.
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (15 July 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I have kind of thought of the alternative view and the more I try to put my trust in faith the more relaxed I am about it all.Yes perhaps better things are around the corner, whichever way!Thanks.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (15 July 2007):
She will be wanting the break for all of the things that you mention, she'll be wanting to test her feelings for you. I do believe in fate and think that if something's meant to be then it will be, it will find YOU so if you ARE both meant to be together then you will be. Keep thinking positive thoughts too and watch "The Secret" that I gave to you in an earlier thread.
It may be that this needs to happen because there is someone else that is about to come into your life... have you ever thought of that? ;o)
Eve
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (15 July 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot, your words are kind.
I am already getting my head into sorting out the problems behind my fragile self esteem that has haunted me for years, in other words trying to concentrate on me.
Obviously I will still get times when I feel sad about us and I know to expect this.
Do you believe in fate? In it'll all work out how it's supposed to?
I still think that it could be true love between us and that one day we will be reunited but I am not going to put my life on hold to see if this can happen.
Interestingly one of the last things she said to me on Wednesday was that she wanted us to be friends but wanted 6 months to concentrate on ourselves and not fall back into a relationship together, at some time we could review whether it is something we want to revisit and then who knows? Though in the interim period she wants us to have fun apart and see how we go with our own lives, meeting other people etc. Maybe she wants to meet with men and find that they are not special whereas I am???
She also said that its about me and her, think we have both had advice from friends telling us to move on and forget eachother completely!
She could be trying to keep her options open without losing me completely because she thinks I may be the one or she is trying to keep what is familiar close to her to avoid loneliness in a sense though she has many friends.
Time for me now!
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (12 July 2007):
You sound far more positive and relaxed about things now. I smiled when I read your comments as you seem far more focussed on your way ahead now, I'm so please for you. Like you said, you can both live your lives with freedom of choice.
Keep in touch and let me know how things go okay? I wish you well in your future.
Eve
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (12 July 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust realised how my last post looks...It looks like I have been lifted just becausee I have something to cling onto.
I see it like this - She admits that she does still hold out some hope (however slim) for us but we both need to be happy in ourselves to make eachother or different partners happy. She didn't want to have a rule about seeing other people for drinks etc as she doesn't feel that she has the right to impose that on me after initiating the split and I guess that she wants to see if we are really that strong together or whether there is better out there, guess I would like to see that too in a way!
The trick is whether I can handle the idea of us feeling happier in ourselves and her meeting someone else she prefers. This is a gamble I guess and I believe that she/we are worth the risk of either of us moving on apart from eachother. By telling her no contact, no friends etc it would be easier in the long run to protect my heart but i'll always wonder "what if" and she probably will too.
I am determined now to focus on myself and if it's meant to be...
Also if I feel that I cannot handle this way of handling things I will tell her and forget it, important thing is that I am not waiting for her approval any more - I will do my own thing and if it brings us back together for a new start then great, if not for any reason then it's not worth it.
Ultimately friends are sometimes hard to come by and she would be a great friend to have rather than blow it all out of the water now just because I am hurt. When I am stronger I will have enough about me to enjoy myself without her and if she seeks a new relationship I will know whether I want her then or not rather than accepting her just because I am being needy!!!
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (11 July 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIsn't life funny?
On Sunday when my (now)ex girlfriend and I met we decided to go salsa dancing as usual tonight and had decided to meet an hour early for a drink (guess at the time it seemed ok to do this). Since Sunday I have been thinking hard about her wanting us to finish and I wrote a long letter to her that explained how I saw the situation and in it I pointed out some home truths that she needs to face about her part in the failure of the relationship.
Tonight we met up and all was nice and beforehand I had got myself ready to tell her that despite her wanting friendship that I was going to tell her that I didn't want her friendship as accepting it would hold me back from moving on.
I told her that I wanted us to refrain from any contact and that she was free to get on and now so was I. She was gutted and admitted that she still had hopes that once we have both individually sorted our heads out and got over the recent relationship troubles that she still hopes that we may one day reignite things in a better place on new grounds. She also thanked me for the letter accepting much of what I had said in it.
As I suspected on Sunday she really isn't 100% sure that she wants a total split but she definitely wants time on her own to figure out what she wants, and now I want that too.
We have agreed to have a complete break where we leave eachother alone for a time save for perhaps the odd text, mail, chat but by and large we give eachother space. We will concentrate totally on ourselves and see how things go over time. She asked if I wanted to consider us meeting ever so often as friends and I said that if I feel up to it then yes, if not then no and we agreed that we would both do our own thing and there are no rules eg not seeing other people etc.
In other words, she still loves me and thinks then when I am happier and she is that we may give it a proper go one day in the future but no promises and I am not going to hold out great hope for that, will just see how things go in terms of casually meeting up and staying in touch. I agree with her but the best thing is that we can now go on and enjoy our own existence as separate entities and in a sense - whatever will be will be.
I feel a sense of relief that I now feel that I have co-ownership of the break-up and end of the relationship and actually I now believe that the right thing to do is leave eachother in the boyfriend/girlfriend sense. Now that I have a choice I can see that it is a sensible one.
I am more optimistic about the future really and in a sense it is like a no-lose situation. When I sort my head out and get back on my feet I will be happy again with no distractions and better placed to see what I want. If we are to work out we will work out but in the meantime we are free to do as we please and who knows we may find happiness with someone else which will confirm that we were not right for eachother. Suppose it's having your cake and eating it and I feel more positive now, this could be the best thing that ever happened to me!
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (9 July 2007):
It's not fair of her to keep on playing with your emotions, mentioning things in the past (the towel incident for example). She is more or less putting the guilt on YOU here saying she felt pressurised but that to me is an excuse. You get on with your life and if it's to be then it will but don't wait for her. Live your life, be the best you can be and above all remain positive about your future, be it with or without her. You have to do what is best for you now and no one else.
I wish you every success in your future.
Eve
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (9 July 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eve.
I am going to be going through the whole grieving process now I think with the 1st part being acceptance that its over. She cried a lot last night and I think it's because she knew she was hurting me. She said that she felt a kind of love for me for the good times we had shared and that she looked at a towel we "borrowed" from a hotel in Barcelona last year and burst into tears. She also felt pressurised to come up with an answer because of the timescale with the break and didn't think it would be fair keeping me going with her not feeling 100% into us.
I have to accept its over, I feel like there is unfinished business because I still don't think we ever gritted our teeth and said "lets see if we can really make this work" but then maybe you shouldn't have to feel like that in the "right" relationship. I feel that it's not over or at least shouldn't be.
Friends will be tough, she says she has missed my friendship but not so much missing me romantically so maybe it's easier for her to move on with the friends thing, she couldn't tell me it was over forever and yet I said that I knew for ages when I left my wife that we were over "forever"
She says that it's a nice romantic notion that if things are meant to be then 2 people can find eachother again. Nice but not a good thing to think if i'm going to move on.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (9 July 2007):
I am so sorry that the decision she made wasn't the one you hoped for. Things happen in our lives for a reason and maybe you two just weren't mean to be although you won't see it this way at the moment. Unfortunately we can't make someone love us but maybe with time, she'll come to realise there's a big part of her life missing, maybe in time you will realise that you didn't actually love her, you just thought you did.
The "friends" thing I don't know is a good idea just now. I think it would be better to have a complete break, at least for a while. Remaining friends with her will only prolong your pain and prevent you from moving forward but of course that's your decision.
Have a look at this website, it will help you move on.
http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-a-Break-Up
If you feel you can't look at it just now then save it and look at it when you're ready. Strange as it may seem to you just now but things DO happen for a reason. Concentrate on YOU just now, being the best you can be, continue the Counseling you have organised, that will help you in your future relationships. You might look back in a few months from now with your life totally sorted and on the right track and be able to admit to yourself that she wasn't right for you, you may even have found someone else... just keep your chin up and you know I'm here if you want to continue talking okay?
Eve
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (8 July 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,Tonight me and Oni finished after being together for 3 years.She text me in the afternoon asking to meet later and talk and we met and spent 3 hours in a local bar talking. She has decided that she has missed me as a friend during our break but not more than that and she wasn't getting the feelings she hoped to feel with missing me.Must admit that I am completely gutted like my world has been turned upside down. She told me only a fortnight ago that she loved me but says now that she was upset and confused.She says that I have been unpredictable over the last 6-12 months and that she has negative thoughts about me because she never knew whether she would get "happy Mike" or "miserable Mike" and this ground her down to the point that she has lost a lot of feeling for me. I understand this and I have been making moves to address this with counselling starting soon (I hope!)We have left it that we will remain friends and be there for eachother as friends. She admitted that some friends had said that if it's meant to be that you find eachother again and it'll work out! She said she couldn't make any promises or speak positively about us but when I said that if I sort my issues out and be much more positive and more the guy I once was would that alter her feelings for me she half nodded and admitted that it would be much more appealing to her and she couldn't see into the future and wants to see how our friendship goes.So I guess that friends is better than nothing, who knows what may happen in the future (though I mustn't get my hopes too high) and I always believe that there is hope (however slim). I must concentrate on myself now and making myself happy and everything else will fall into place, whichever way though at this moment I am numb, in shock and gutted.Sometimes life sucks!
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A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (7 July 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Eve,Not sure if I mentioned it in my earlier messages but I have told my girl a few times since leaving the house that I do want to have children and a future family with her. I wrote this in a long letter telling her I was no longer afraid of commitment and verbally.She commented that it was a big change of message coming from me and I think she hasn't coped with the change of direction so well.Don't forget that when I left in Feb we thought we were finished.I don't know what else I can do or what she is thinking over?
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (6 July 2007):
Okay, I read over all of the posts again just to clarify things in my mind. This woman is crazy on you BUT she doesn't want to give you her all and you leave her again. In your very first post in this thread you say this - "Leaving the home has given me a real wake up call and a shock to the system, I realise how much I truly love her and I want to marry her one day and build our lives together with a new family etc." - YOU NEED TO TELL HER THIS!!!! She finds it hard to come to terms with the fact that you have children with someone else but you have told her you don't want any more children! Think about it... she's only 25 and if she chose to be with you then she would never have any children of her own let alone YOUR children as you've put that into her mind. Do you think that's fair? She would have to love you very very much to make that choice to be with you and in doing so, sacrifice the want to have children of her own.
You're not the one on trial here, SHE is! She loves you very much but has to decide within herself whether or not she can be with you under "your conditions". It would take a very special woman to sacrifice motherhood for a man who already has 2 children with someone else and for her to see you all together KNOWING you don't want to have them with her! Can you see where I'm coming from?
I know your reasons, you already have two, their expensive etc etc but look at the bigger picture...
You asked me for my thoughts on the way she acted. She really IS in love with you but she's pulled because of this. If you truly love this woman and don't want to hurt her any more then I think YOU need to rethink, not her! Is she worth that rethink...???
Eve
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male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (5 July 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers as always "AskEve", if I describe our last meeting (the Sunday we decided to take a break) I wonder if you can read into it based on what you know, have experienced and on what I have said before on this:
This happened after I told her that I was looking at a mortgage and I valued her opinion on houses as I didn't want to go for a place that if we ever decided to get bakc together she might not like the house. She said that I should concentrate on what I want. I said that she didn't sound confident about us ever getting back together and she agreed that she wasn't. We then agreed to meet and talk and in the meantime I braced myself for what I thought may well be the end.
I got there and she'd been crying, she threw her arms around me and we were cuddling for some time. We sat down, were both tearful and she explained that she felt that we hadn't moved on much since I moved out in Feb and that this was hard as it's not as if we've fought, argued, one of us cheated etc. I then asked her if she wanted to finish the relationship to which she said "no". She later said that we'd agreed to work at things and when I mentioned a break she agreed and I said "4 weeks and no contact". We don't even meet for our Salsa lessons, she didn't want the awkwardness of what to say to eachother etc while on a break.
She admitted that she found the issue of me having children difficult still, but said that she must get used to it.
I said that I felt that I was on trial, she countered that it was her who was on trial.
I mentioned that she hadn't told me that she loved me for a while. As I was leaving she held me, we kissed and she said "I love you, see it's in there somewhere!" and we laughed.
I felt quite upbeat as I left and it's only know that I have time to think that its winding me up.
How do you read this from her perspective? As a woman how does this read? She is clearly still emotionally a little closed up but what can you deduce from this?
Also without being a mind-reader, does this sound like somebody who is likely to let us have a 4 week break then walk in and say "it's over?"
I am clutching at straws a little but any help you can give would be greatly appreciated.
Then I will stop mulling it over and concentrate on myself!
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reader, AskEve +, writes (4 July 2007):
Here are some sites you can look at, one is to help you "Find Yourself" and the others are to help build up your confidence and self esteem.
http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself
http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Confidence
http://pickbrains.com/how-do-i-build-up-my-confidence
http://www.more-selfesteem.com/self_esteem.htm
http://www.more-selfesteem.com/self_confidence_tips.htm
Have a look at these sites, they should keep you busy for a while. Remember, YOU are in charge of your life and no one else and YOU determine your future.
Eve
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (4 July 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAaaaaarrrrggghhhhhh! How can I be positive and get on with things when most of my waking thoughts are of our relationship? I have realised that the only reason this is eating me up is that I hate the thought of us meeting up just to part forever. I would prefer that if she decided that's what she wanted that she would let me know earlier rather than string this out.
I had a good chat with my mate last night who told me to concentrate on myself, assured me that i'm a good guy who would not have a problem with meeting girls etc if this relationship was to end. I admitted to having serious self-esteem/confidence issues though lots of people say that i'm good-looking, good company and intelligent.
I just need to find some strategy to take the pressure off me, from the pressure of our meeting in 2 1/2 weeks and concentrating on me and leaving her out of so much of my thinking.
Am I more afraid of being alone than of us parting? No I know that I love her and want her.
Help anyone?
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reader, AskEve +, writes (27 June 2007):
Just keep busy and keep thinking POSITIVE and the time will fly in. Under no circumstances must you get in touch with her though. If you do then anything positive that's been achieved will be undone. Let her MISS you! ;o)
Eve
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (27 June 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eve,
The tough part at the moment is looking at 4 weeks (well 3 and a half) and thinking how far away it is and how it could still all end after this time.
She had said on Sunday that we had agreed to work at things and it sounded like she meant that this break was a chance to work at us.
She just needs space and time to figure out what she thinks of us and it scares me as I feel she could get used to being without me.
On the other hand I could find it exciting by thinking that it's a positive move to move us up another level, I prefer that way of thinking though I could be setting myself up for disappointment.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (25 June 2007):
Okay, I misread your meaning of the "old days", it was a positive rather than a negative. I think you have both done exactly the right thing. NO CONTACT for 4 weeks. That will help both of you see whether or not you are right for one another. It will be difficult for you, I know that as you love her very much, that comes through in your writing. Just keep busy and keep thinking positive thoughts.
You might be interested in watching a movie called "The Secret". It is geared to attaining whatever your heart desires just through positive thinking. You can watch it straight away from your PC for just $4.95 (£2.50). I think it would help you through this next 4 weeks. Through positive thinking you can attain whatever you want to attain and this movie shows you HOW!
http://thesecret.tv/home.html
It has worked for me and it has worked for thousands of others. I have had emails from people I've recommended it to saying it has changed their lives.
Just hang in there and keep thinking positively and keep in touch okay?
Eve
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (25 June 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Eve,
I don't feel afraid to be with her for long. The quote about feeling like the old days was a good one, I had been unsettled with us being different with eachother since leaving the house and that night I felt great to be with her again like old times. I don't long for my own space.
Admittedly I try harder when there is a threat of losing her, this time will be good to make things clear in our heads (I hope).
In the past when living with her I was unsettled and distracted because I was worried about my children and wondered whether I should move to be closer to them.
I feel that I have resolved these issues and that I can handle all of that now.
I now feel that I want to sort myself out and show her just what she means to me, she'll figure out what I mean to her over the next month I guess.
We were both in tears last night and hugging eachother, it hurts us both but we both need clarity of thought and we didn't have a break once i'd left the house in February.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (25 June 2007):
Nice to hear from you again! I was reading your posts again. You seem to miss her when she's not there and enjoy keeping in touch with her, wining and dining her and meeting up but when it comes to the actual crunch of being together for too long then you seem to have problems. You said when you lived together you felt very unsettled and distracted. What unsettled you?
You work hard to win her over again and then eventually, one night, stay at her brother's house and you say "it was like the old days of us being together". What do you mean by that exactly? Did you feel unsettled being in her company so long? Unsettled actually sleeping with her or what? It's as if you like being with her for a little bit then need your own "space". You miss her when she's not there then when you get together again (overnight for example) you feel claustrophobic in her company and long to get away again to be on your own. Am I right here? Is that how you feel?
Eve
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (25 June 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all,
Been a couple of months since I wrote.
Tonight was tough and we have decided after 4 1/2 months since I left the house that we will have a complete break.
We are going to meet up again at a bar 4 weeks to the day and in between have NO contact, call, emails, texta, meetings etc.
My girlfriend has had mixed feelings about us of late and I have been going through moodswings so this has perhaps been on the cards. I thought we may end up splitting tonight but no.
The break should be good for us, I have promised to get counselling for some issues that ultimately affects my mood and drags her down.
We will meet again in 4 weeks and discuss how we feel, what an odd feeling it is right now to be determined to have nothing to do with eachother for a month but I hope beyond hope that we emerge stronger together from this.
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (26 April 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWas with my girl for her birthday on Monday and it was good fun, was with her and her family which was great and it was nice to feel that we have moved forward enough to do that. I stayed over with her in her brother's house but the problem is that it was like the old days of us being together and I think that when I went back to my own place I was a little sad and deflated to realise that life wasn't like it was. I mentioned it last night and she said that she understood, she admitted that she liked having her own space at times when talking about meeting up.
We are getting on great, we told eachother we loved eachother on Monday night and really I should be delighted, I am but it's mixed feelings as I am also sad that we are not so close as to be together living with eachother, sometimes I think it would be easier to not see eachother so much as while we're together it's great but it magnifies how bad I can feel when we're apart!
Maybe we will get back together in time and I should try not to think about it, if I thought there was no chance of that ever happening I think that I would have to leave her and move on.
I know that I need to relax and enjoy the time we have together and work harder on filling my own time so as not to sit and stress about the past/future and I should perhaps be happy, may well pull away a bit and try not to be so focused on us, last time I did that we grew much closer very quickly which makes it a little like catch 22 really!!!
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reader, AskEve +, writes (20 April 2007):
Yes, she is missing you, hence the reason she wants to involve you more. Just remember and don't always be too willing, have your own opinions and your own mind and don't be so accommodating all the time and I reckon you've cracked it!
I wish you both all the very best for the future.
Eve
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (18 April 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiya,
Life has been great since Good Friday and we agreed that something really clicked that day! At the weekend my girl had a mate up who she used to go to school with, in the end she invited me to stay with them for most of the weekend and we all went out together and ended up putting on an impromptu bar-b-q on Sunday.
I had a text yesterday from her saying that she woke at 5am from a bad dream and missed me! The fact that she missed me of course fills me with hope for the future and chances of an eventual reconciliation.
She also talked of me coming with her and her friends to France next month and with her birthday being next week I said it would be nice to see her and i'd take time off work, she has invited me to be there with her and her family for a birthday tea.
We were at a salsa party on Saturday and we danced together, she told me that it meant so much to her for us to dance together, dancing is big in her life.
All is positive in terms of her suddenly including me in her more personal pursuits (not seen her family since we parted). Also she owned up to having kept one of my worn t-shirts under her pillow since we split, it smells of me apparently.
So I am still trying to keep some distance but in a way spending some time with her is hopefully showing her that she misses me and that surely helps with the future, I really hope so anyway.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (10 April 2007):
You have pulled back a bit and now she's chasing, simple as that! Because you've not seen her as often then she's missed you. Talking on the phone for long periods of time, although nice, can mean that you do say things you regret so you should keep your phone conversations short and keep the talking for face to face.
She obviously does really like you though so you're already half way there! Continue to lie low and not open up toooooo much to her and she will continue to chase. Eventually, when the time is right (and you'll know when that is) you can let her know your feelings for her and reassure her that she means everything to you and you KNOW you want to spend the rest of your life with her but that is for a future talk! Continue for now being more of a challenge to her and letting her do the chasing... and enjoy the attention! lol
Eve
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (9 April 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, hope you don't mind an Easter update.
We met up on Friday and took my children (they were with me for Easter) to a farm tourist attraction place. We had a great day, I think that she felt happier with me and more comfortable than she had done for a while and she remarked on how much more attentive I was to her (in a positive way I add). Something really seemed to click.
We went our separate ways and she texted me to day thanks and how much she loved it within an hour or so.
Then on Saturday she text me with the opening as "Hey lovely" which she hasn't done for ages and then she called me yesterday morning...wow! All this attention all of a sudden.
Nothing tonight but I sent her a text just very short saying I hoped she'd had a nice weekend and see her soon. She replied with a longer message and called me a cheeky name at the end.
Things seemed to change postively this weekend but I have no idea of any plans to meet up this week apart from dancing on Wednesday. I will continue to hold off a little and let her take things her way.
Sounds encouraging though, thank you for all of your helpful advice, I am grateful.
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (2 April 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDoh! Think I made a boo boo.Yesterday my girlfriend phoned me and we were on the phone for an hour which was great but I think that I said some things that will really not help us in terms of getting back together.I told her that I had realised (after speaking to my Mum about this) that my ex-wife seemed to be plotting to split us up from the start and I reassured her that now that I am wise to this I wouldn't allow it to be an issue anymore. Whilst trying to reassure her I think I may have made things worse in terms of reminding her that my ex is always there in the background. She sounded a little upset and said that it had "put a dampener on the conversation". We quickly changed subject and had a laugh again.Then she got a text from her dance partner inviting her out for a dance at a local club and she asked if I wanted to go. I did go mainly because in the past I haven't been too bothered to go to such things with her and also it got me out on a Sunday night.Feel a fool now after she had started to say some nice things earlier in the conversation like how she poured herself a g and t and sat out in the garden earlier and thought of how we both used to do that together and generally she has been a little warmer with me of late.From now on I am going to ease off and let her phone, text or initiate contact, I am afraid of saying the wrong thing!!!
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (1 April 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eve,
I noticed after posting the last message that I had seen her 6 out of 7 days in the last week and that's me trying to pull away!!! Guess I was just pleased that we were finding so much time to be together.
I will try to keep more of a distance and see how she reacts, as I have said my fear is that by doing so she may get used to me not being around and figure that she doesn't need me, still if she did feel that I would know already I think.
She remarked yesterday about a text that she sent me late one night after a night out that went unanswered for a while as my phone battery died so she is definitely thinking about us.
I think that the week ahead will probably see us only meeting up 2 or 3 times maximum so that may help.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (31 March 2007):
I'm glad things are going well for you but I would pull back even further. You said you have seen her 6 days out of 7. Reduce that 4 days out of 7. Let her know you have things to do but would love to see her (Wednesday). MAKE HER WANT YOU!!! The more you pull away the more she'll get in touch. She has you where she wants you just now, she's calling the shots and you're quite happy to go along with that so nothing is going to change.
YOU try calling the shots for a change and see what happens. Let her know your life doesn't revolve around her (although I know you want it to but she doesn't have to know that) and you have other interests apart from her. If she asks to come over one night tell her you promised yourself an early night or you've already made plans to meet a friend... anything to put her off and you'll see the difference. Like I said, women like a challenge and you sometimes NOT being there when she wants you will present this challenge! Give it a go and you'll see exactly what I mean.
Keep me posted!
Eve
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (31 March 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again,
Well I haven't posted for just over a week so here goes. Things are quite nice at the moment but I feel very sad. We have seen eachother every day apart from Tuesday last week so that is great but at the same time we have not stayed round eachother's at all and she doesn't seem at all interested in sex.
We do kiss, cuddle and hold hands so I should probably just be pleased with this at the moment and just let her do things in her own time. I went to watch her play hockey today and afterwards we were holding a baby of one of the other players, she later said that it was nice to see how natural I was with that baby.
Trouble is that I read into every comment and watching her with the baby made me think of our future, she is quite obviously not ready to think of our future and as she says she is happy with how things are at the moment as it is.
Should I just be patient and let her dictate how things go? In an odd way I almost feel as if staying away from her for a short while would be easier for me as when I see her I go away feeling sad if she hasn't invited me to stay over.
Guess I really need to relax and be grateful that she still wants to spend time with me. I guess that I fear that she may decide that she doesn't ever want us to be back together in the sense of living together and planning our life together but then she seems keen to take my kids out for the day with me next week which is quite a personal thing to do.
Don't mind if someone tells me to just "get a grip"!!!
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (22 March 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
A quick update.
Things have been much more relaxed over the last week as I am starting to feel settled in my flat and I have stopped grieving over the loss of our relationship as it was. I think that we are both enjoying our new way of life which is two independent lives but with us seeing eachother a couple of times a week and generally being there for eachother.
Last night she stayed over with me though there was no bedroom activity, we went to our first salsa dancing lesson together (she can already dance!) and then retired back at mine for a couple of glasses of wine and then we both got up, had breakfast together and left for separate workplaces. Life is how it was in that sense but better.
She told me that she was a happy girl and that she still loved me which means a great deal and obviously means that there is a good foundation to build on.
I am trying not to think of the future, whatever will be will be, but life is good at the moment and doesn’t feel quite so scary! Will keep you up to date.
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (19 March 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow Eve you know what you're about!
Not only did my girl follow up her phone call to me with a text message but today she called out of the blue to say "get the kettle on", she arrived at mine out of the blue this afternoon!
Suddenly she is making moves and looking keen and it's great! Have to say that the whole dynamics of our relationship are changing for the better and at the moment I think that we are both happy with how things are going.
I have relaxed and let her dictate things a little and she has responded, so far!
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reader, AskEve +, writes (18 March 2007):
She NOTICED you didn't reply right away! That's good! If she calls you tomorrow asking to arrange something, suggest you call her back in an hour to be sure, say you have something else you needed to attend to and don't know if you can leave it or not but you'll be in touch! I know you're desperate to go out with her but don't let HER know that. Keep in touch ;o)
Eve
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (18 March 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again,Well I have had a great weekend socialising with mates and having me time. I got a text from my girl last night but left it about 3 hours to return one rather than my instant replies that are the norm.She got back from working away and called me tonight to "catch up". We were on the phone for 25 mins and during it she mentioned that she was worried that her text hadn't got to me as she had checked her sent items and it wasn't there. Shows that she is thinking about things I guess.I am letting her do some running now as difficult as I find it to do that. At the end she said "ok matey speak to you soon, take care", wierd hearing her call me matey and where she said "take care" it would have been "love you" in the past. Perhaps she is tempted to say those kind of nice things but stops herself at the last minute, not that i'm going to dwell on that or anything.She has a day off tomorrow, be interesting to see if she suggests meeting up when I have finished work. I won't suggest anything purposely (though I would love to arrange something!!!)
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reader, AskEve +, writes (17 March 2007):
Nooooo, you came across loud and clear the first time. You went for coffee, went back to her house to collect something then spoiled it lol by asking her did she want company. You poor love, I know how you are feeling, clutching at anything to spend time with her. Then of course calling her later! Follow my advice and you'll see the difference, I promise!
Eve
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reader, AskEve +, writes (17 March 2007):
It IS the best way, you'll see I'm right. Woman like a bit of a challenge and don't like a guy to always just "be there" when they snap their fingers, they lose their appeal. Keep in touch :o)
Eve
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (16 March 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and a quick clarification,
Not sure if this read differently Eve but after having the coffee I went back to the house (was ours now hers) and collected something of mine which was when I offered her company if she wanted it. Her vague response showed me that she didn't want to which was fine.
It was later after getting back to mine that I called her. (Just clarifying it Eve in case it looked like I had coffee then called her twice!)
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (16 March 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Eve,
You are right of course! My worries were that by not doing the running I would lose her interest are unfounded and when mentioning what I think she quickly indicates that she doesn't need reminding...again!
I will now leave her alone and let her get after me though we already arranged to meet for salsa lesson on Wednesday next week.
In fact, in an odd kind of way I am looking forward to easing off and letting her run as my turmoil feels worse when I keep reading into her reactions to my chasing. Plus everybody loves to feel wanted don't they.
Thanks again Eve, when you mentioned this course of action earlier in the week I was afraid of doing it but now I know that it is the best policy.
Will let you know how it goes.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (16 March 2007):
She cried because she knows how much you feel for her and you calling to ask if she wanted some company only confirmed that. If I were you I wouldn't call her or text her. Let HER do the running. She really IS trying to get her head around all of this but she still has feelings for you too, hence the email to meet for coffee. Because you're being so nice to her she felt bad when she turned you down about coming over but she does need her time alone to think. What happens...? You call her AGAIN at night, albeit to thank her again (an excuse to call because you're crazy on her I know) but you really do need to back off. I'm not saying this to be horrible, I'm saying this if you want to win her over!
If you don't get in touch with her she won't think you've forgotten about her and don't love her any more, far from it! She'll wonder why you aren't calling and think about you ALL THE MORE for it! Then... she'll get in touch with you! You see if I'm right. My advice is play a little harder to get here and make her want you more. Like I said, women like a bit of a challenge so don't always just "be there" when she calls or asks a favour. Let her see you have your life too and it won't always be possible (even although I know you really want to drop everything and run to her). Try it and you'll see what I'm talking about.
Eve
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (16 March 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wondering how to feel about this or how you interpret this:My girl emailed me at work earlier suggesting that we could meet for a coffee later after work. We did, it was nice and we talked about our jobs and our lives and it was pleasant.Knowing that she was to have a rare night in I asked if she would like company, she didn't really want me to stop over (though I didn't necessarily mean that).I called her later this evening and she felt bad for not wanting me to stay. I think she doesn't want to uspet me but I said it was fine as long as she was honest about things. She perhaps felt bad for herself and wondered why she didn't offer to let me stop but she was very tired, had lots to do and was having an early night so that's probably why.I thanked her for inviting me out and told her how pleased I was that she was happy (she said before I left that she was happy with how things stood at the moment in that it is casual and spontaneous). She cried when I said I was pleased to see her apparently happy after some less than happy recent months, she doesn't often cry over the phone with me. So can I read into that? She maybe cried because she revisited previous bad memories or she cried because I was showing that I was being caring??? We also agreed that now we are getting on better than we have for months and are having fun.We agreed that we should just carry on as we are, she said she had no particular future thoughts (which I find a little difficult) but that she just wants to see how things go over time as things "tend to work themselves out" which I guess you can take either way.I think that I should just be there for her and let things carry on as normal and I have to stop thinking of the future in terms of whether it will be with her again, everything that happens impacts on this dream.
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (16 March 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe fact that I keep thinking and posting shows how much I want this to work out!I do listen to other people and let them influence me when fact is that I know my feelings best and it's funny how things happen. This morning on the drive into work the "thought for the day" on the radio was about letting love in and enjoying it rather than burying your head in the sand and getting distracted and wrapped up with past problems, issues and experiences. That spoke a lot of sense to me.The big one for me is how to show her that I want to be with her and that I am a much better proposition for a relationship than I was when I was uncertain and not very giving. We used to text eachother every morning which always got the day off to a good start, that was when we lived further apart before moving in together but I think that she would find that too much at the moment. If I don't phone or text will she think i'm going off her? Could mention it and reassure her that i'm letting her decide what's appropriate. She is in Manchester this weekend on her own working and I will leave her alone and perhaps she will be able to think about things in isolation as it were. As we speak she has just emailed me and suggested meeting in town for a coffee this afternoon, that's real progress as so far I have done most of the running!
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reader, AskEve +, writes (15 March 2007):
That is why you both need to move back down a couple of gears, take things very slowly, don't see one another as often and try not to sleep together as this only messes with your head and emotions. Put some space between you to see if you actually miss her (and she you of course.) That is the whole purpose of a break. Keep in touch and let me know how it goes.
Eve
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (15 March 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell all seems well but a little something is bugging me which I am sure most people go through.
Part of me is worried that I am trying to get back with my girl because I am scared of being alone though when I am with her I really enjoy our time together. This was hinted at by Calvin, and I do believe that she is the one for me and I want to make a life with her though when I think too much about it I have to check myself!
In my heart of hearts I believe that I would like to spend the rest of my life with her but again a mate said last night "make sure you're not getting carried away because it's early days and perhaps you're reacting to the split".
Can't help but wonder though and I do listen to people and worry sometimes, I have always thought about things too much and perhaps now is the time to chill out, take my time over things and see how it goes.
I guess that time will tell and I think that she is thinking this too hence no moves or hints about getting back together as yet (too early anyway i'd say).
I am hopeful for our future together but I need to be fair to her and to myself.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (14 March 2007):
I'm glad things are working out for you and your night was a success. Yes, keep us posted and let us know how things go! Be there for her without being too "in her face" all the time and you'll be fine. I wish you both all the very best.
Eve
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (14 March 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
Well last night was really great. I deliberately made sure that I didn't initiate anything such as kisses, holding hands etc because a) I wanted to show her that I would wait for her and b) I wanted to see how she felt with me.
I picked her up and she kissed me and then once we'd got back to hers we ate and chilled out and throughout she was really nice and tender giving me attention that I reciprocated. I ended up staying the night with her for the 4th time since we split which shows me that she is keeping me very much in her life.
It made me feel that as far as how well we are when together we are better than we have been for many months, I think that we are both learning from this separation.
I know feel much easier than I did with my first post, I am starting to enjoy my own time and space and respecting hers though I still hold out hope that we will be back together eventually.
She made the comment that "it's nice having you here" which although a short statement I feel that it speaks volumes for how she feels.
Anyway, I hope that any future posts are as upbeat is this and that one day I have very good news to post.
I guess that to anyone else in a similar position I would say take a chill pill and give your other half space to breathe and let them indicate to you how they feel. After telling her how I feel I have now left that for her to consider and I think that it's doing some good.
Thanks for the advice and I hope that this carries on being as nice as this.
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (13 March 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the replies.I am meeting with my girl from work tomorrow to go back to hers (was ours) for a chinese. Cosy night in I guess.She invited me over as we have so far been looking at our hectic schedules and fitting eachother in where we can like once or twice each week so far for the past month.I have tried to ease off today, no texts,emails or calls unless replying. We will still see eachother and I like the idea of making her really evaluate whether she wants me (she says that she wants to see how she feels) but we still see eachother occasionally.Guess that as I was a big reason for the break with my lack of effort that I feel that I ought to be showing her more attention and prove to her that I am capable of it and indeed that I want to do this, cutting her off to think might convince her that i'm not that bothered after all as opposed to her realising that she wants to be with me!Tricky...
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reader, AskEve +, writes (12 March 2007):
Here is what to do if you want to win her back. She's getting the best of both worlds just now. She has her freedom to be with her friends and she has you! You said you still see her a couple of times a week and still have a kiss and cuddle together. She knows you still want her so let's change things a little here.
DON'T be so available to her now, let her go out with her friends when she wants but tell her you need a bit of thinking time to decide what you really want to do with your life. Tell her no phone calls, no texts, no meetings. Yes, this will be hard for you but it's also making HER re-evaluate what SHE wants too and if you're not around as often then she'll have the chance to miss you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder so if she does have any feelings for you then she'll be desperate to get back with you. Just play it cool for a few weeks (and let her sweat!)
You know and I know that you're still crazy about her but SHE doesn't have to know that! You need some space to think. She asks you... "to think about what?" You tell her it's to think about your life and what you really want from it and that includes her! Then do just that... Have a good think and try to "find yourself" again. Priorities your life and see what you really do want to do.
http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself
After a while, you'll hear from her again, it may be by text or by phone or it may be in person. See how SHE feels. Has she been missing you? How does she feel about you now? Only when you know for sure that she still wants to get back with you (and of course if you feel the same way) then move back in together.
I'm sure if you just play a little harder to get then this will work! Try it and see if I'm right and let me know how it goes okay?
Eve
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reader, wigglywood +, writes (12 March 2007):
wigglywood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for both answers, particularly as they are from females and as such you are perhaps much more wired in to what works in such situations.The main thing I struggle with at the moment is about contacting her, should I try to wait for her to contact me or should I still ensure that I show her what she means to me.Too much could turn her off me I fear if it is too in your face.The odd text and call would just keep me feeling that we've got eachother.
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reader, Bella55  +, writes (12 March 2007):
I too lived with my boyfriend for a year, he too has two children from his previous marriage. We are in the same boat as you and pretty much the same has happened. the only diff is that i have fallen pregs with his baby. And this has brought us closer. We are still living seperatley but we know that we have to get our act together, and move in together again for the sake of the baby, and because this is both our chances to have a family, and his last chance. I think you need to be honest with her, and let her now that you regret telling her those things. She has clearly closed up her heart, in order to protect herself from more damage. Its only natural, and the only thing you can do now is show her how much you love her and how much you want to grow this relationship. I know its difficult for a man to confess that he wants to get married one day especially to the women he wants to marry, but youve got be strong and give her little hints, let her know that before you werent ready, and now you are. Thats what my man has done, and he is proving to me his commitment everyday more and more, showing me that we are getting our relationship back to how it was, and not only that, but we talk about marriage openly, our future is together and thats enough to keep us going with this love in our hearts.
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reader, Jendorset +, writes (12 March 2007):
I think all you can really do is tell her you love and that you didnt realise what you wanted. Tell her you do want to marry and have your own little family. Tell her all you feelings and then let her decide what she wants to do with them. I wouldnt be to scared about pushing her away, once you have told her how you feel, dont mention it again for a while. Thats all i can say because i dont know what else is the problem ?
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