A
female
age
51-59,
*blivia
writes:I met a man a little more than half a year ago. We live very far from each others, but he was very keen on getting to know me and would call me every day. After a month he traveled to see me again for about a week. During this week we became closer and sexually intimate, and then continued talking almost every day for another 4 months apart until we met again. Then when talking about next meeting in about another 5-6 weeks when there would finally be a longer period of time for us to get to know each other, he suddenly decided he didn’t want to see me again. I felt somehow cheated and led on, he was so eager for such a long time and then abruptly put everything to an end just before we would actually be able to spend some proper time together and find out about each other. Since then he has contacted me about 4-5 times, not like before, not speaking intimately, just shortly “checking up on me”. I really liked him and if he needs time to think us through, then I’m ready to let him, but what does he want? Why did he contact me again if he made up his mind this would be too complicated for him? What would be the purpose of keeping in touch then, considering the long distance between us? Does he just need time to think? Does he just want us to be friends (why?)? I feel confused whether to wait and see if he just needed some time or whether I should just forget everything about him. Should I tell him what's on my mind or would that be overreacting considering the relatively short time we've known each others? Anyone have any similar experience?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 Yes, certainty is painful but at least gives you a clear sense of direction. This is solid ground on which you will build.
In truth, only if it's so evident can you tell whether someone fancies you or not. So, this is not your mistake. You didn't waste this time; you used it in loving him. And, you were not a fool; you were deceived when you opened your heart. There is nothing wrong with you.
You'll be in pain for a period because unrequited love hurts. But, you'll get over it.
You know, not many people believe in religions now. But, there's something religions say about forgiveness. If you don't forgive, the person who hurt you still has some power over you. When you forgive, whatever he did to you ceases to have effect. I have tried this, and it does work. I suggest you do the same. I'm not asking that you give up any precautions for the future, of that you don't see this man for who he is; I'm just saying that, if you don't hold the pain, if you let it go by forgiving, you'll feel better and you'll be stronger.
This doesn't have anything to do with you. You are great.
A
female
reader, Oblivia +, writes (25 July 2007):
Oblivia is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you, Danielepew. It is a hurtful thought that he might not have wanting anything serious not even to start with. Living, burning hell is exactly what it feels like, you couldn't describe it better. In a weird way it is also a soothing thought. It changes focus for my despair and makes it easier to stop turning my soul in and out on the search of the concrete, specific moment of the turning point within my own character. I realize I put too many expectations into this but I was so convinced we were just waiting for this moment when we would spend real time together and find out about our feelings. This abrupt cutting off just before really got to me and the only explanation I was given is a variant on “it’s me, not you”. I know he has gone through some difficult things the last couple of years, a siblings death and a tough break-up, but that has nothing to do with us or with me and happened before we met. I think now he might just have used me to have some fun and ease his own agony and is now using these events in the past to hide behind, giving me and him the its-not-you-its-me explanation. It makes me mad now to think he wasted so many months of my time without having any intentions not even to start with. I feel played with and fooled.Maybe the repeating pattern I should mind is the one choosing guys who doesn’t really want me.All the same I have a feeling I will be weak again and sleepless trying to grasp for evident that after all he must have liked me a little, that there are some misunderstanding, that he will come back after some time thinking it over…I suppose that is what the sporadic phone calls do to you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (24 July 2007):
Oblivia, I very much understand and share your fear of having done something to scare him off, and I also understand that you want to understand whether there was something you did wrong, et cetera. I've been there myself and know exactly what you mean.
But, if you did anything wrong, I can't see it. Notice that the anonymous poster doesn't say it, either. The doubt is whether he had a good reason to dump you, or not, and whether he calls you to be caring, or not. No one is saying you did wrong. So, don't agonize over this. You did what every good person would do.
As you say, Oblivia, he ran away just when things could get serious. Was it only then that he noticed the long distance? Of course not. Since he was also involved in a long distance relationship before, he knew exactly what he was getting into. I don't mean to be hurtful, but it seems so clear to me that he just ran away because he didn't want anything else, to start with. I'm afraid he would have maintained the contact if things had stayed at a casual level.
As to sounding him, I am yet to find a person courageous enough to give a straight answer in cases such as this. You will get evasive answers, at most.
His calling is not what I would call caring. Those calls create so much confusion, and they have brought you here for our advice. Anyone who has gone through this kind of situation knows that love confusion is living, burning hell. It's a torture that doesn't let you function. So, giving anyone false hope, or, worse yet, confusing him/her, is about the least caring thing anyone can do.
You need solid ground to step on when you're having problems in a relationship. So, if he really were that caring, he would meet with you and tell you exactly why he is breaking up. Then, he would stop any contacts. This would be very hard, but you would have a clear picture and would know exactly what to expect.
You need to know for sure, and I understand. This is why you want to sound him. If this is what you want, do, as it will clarify things for you. But, won't you please get emotionally ready to be let down.
I hate to be so pessimistic, but, experience is a good teacher.
My heart is with you, Oblivia. Cheer up and be happy.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia +, writes (24 July 2007):
Oblivia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for helpful answers. Yes Danielepew, I had fallen for him, but can’t say it was yet love, what I referred to being on my mind was the leading-on thing. What was the point in upholding such frequent contact for such a long time to end it just before we were about to actually be able to find things out. He was aware about the obvious specific problems from day one and the second meeting didn’t make him call less frequently. If he thought distance to be complicated, or cheap to having sex so soon, then why not calling it off already back then? We both had long term relationships before and my last bf for 7 yrs (5 of them living together), lived in another country when we met, so I’m not afraid of this specific challenge.
What bothers me is a feeling that I did something that scared him off and want to know what to perhaps re-evaluate my behavior, or just find out and accept who I am in these matters. I don’t feel clever regarding “the game of dating”. I don’t mean one should be playing games with anybody’s feelings, but I have this awful feeling that despite my age I’m being naïve around all this. And I’m afraid that if I would ask him about this, he would find it an overreaction and IF he at all is thinking of giving this a second chance, I don’t want to scare him off with questions that might sound accusing. I don’t want to be someone who scare guys off, but also want to know what is going on to not feel scared of repeating patterns when meeting next guy. Or just tell him for my own self-respects sake, that I think he led me on and that it hurt me. He knows my nearest friend, so I feel I can’t talk to her and now feel a little lost.
But basically I suspect you are right, Female Anonymous, the reality just struck him as too complicated and is anyway careful not to treat me badly. You are right, I should just pick up the phone to sound him out, after all he doesn’t seem like a bad guy.
Thank you both for answers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): Considering that you live far apart and its difficult to meet and spend time together, it could be that he has come to realize its not something he wants to invest all that time in - may be a question of its just not practical as far as he is concerned.
You ask why he calls to "check up on you" if he has decided things are too complicated. Well, you know, you did have sex with him and perhaps he wouldn't want to simply drop you with no further contact, even if he no longer wishes to continue. If he did abruptly stop calling or emailing, it would be pretty shabby treatment, right? Some men do behave badly, but he may not want to be that much of a cad.
Anyway, it might be worth your while to pick up the phone and talk with him and ask what he wants out of your friendship and where (if anywhere) he wants it to go.......
Our guess that its just too complicated due to the distance may very well be the truth, but you'll only know if you sound him out.......good luck!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (24 July 2007):
I don't think loving him is an overreaction. The short time you knew each other, the time away from each other, the distance, all that means nothing; the only important thing is that you fell for him.
I'm afraid this is not what you want to hear, but he doesn't need time to think. He just doesn't want a serious relationship with you. I don't think you should wait for him; I think you'll only waste your time. You love him, he doesn't love you.
I don't think he wants to be your friend, either. He hasn't said that. And, even if he did, that would only be a way to dump you in a more cumbersome way.
We have all been through this sort of experiences. May our past mistakes and miseries help you, Oblivia. Don't waste your time, don't strain your heart, and simply move on. The distance will help you.
If he calls, tell him you want his love or no calls. You'll see he won't call again.
Hope this helps.
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