A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy on a dating site, we hit it off. But he broke up with me a few days later because he wanted to get back with his girlfriend. This is after we slept together. I emailed him back wanting to see him to discuss the situation. He said he loves his girlfriend but he would be able to see me one day a week for friends with benefits. He and his girlfriend have been together 7 years. He said she allows this because they have discussed an open relationship in the past. But i only get to see him one day a week. I want more. I am attractive, have a great job, money. All he says about her is she is beautiful and he needs her in his life. Question is should I accept this? Will he change his mind eventually?
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broke up, friend with benefits, his ex, met online, money Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): I agree with many of the posters.
I think he's being a total dick to both you and his GF in the way he has handled this. But I don't think he has really violated any specific code of decency in the dating world so far. At least he has told you the truth.
I wouldn't mess with him anymore if I was you. If you regret sleeping with him now, then unfortunately I think you just did it too soon. (Like I said, his actions aren't very good at all, but he has technically not stepped over the line of dishonestly or manipulation with you either.)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): I think dating is dumb, that is the way we humans do it.
Think about it. We meet a man, we like him, we are attracted, after a bit of time or sometimes on the first date, we have sex with him. It was great, we hope it will happen again and we wait for him to call, we wait for him to choose us....When he does, we are excited, we have sex again, and we know better than to assume that we are in an exclusive relationship. What does that mean? He is having sex with other women, and supposedly we can do the same. Thing is we women bond with our sex partners, and we stop seeing other men, we stop sleeping around (if we were) and we wait some more for him to choose us and we start worrying about our competition.
Then if we are lucky he starts to spend more and more of his free time with us, months go by and we finally have the relationship "talk", if we are the first to bring it up then he usually starts to freak out and run the other direction....we are heartbroken and bewildered, but we put ourselves out there we tell ourselves....nothing ventured nothing gained....If he has the talk with us about where this is going, then we are on the right track, he is possibly getting commited to us....but not always, a guy can tell you he loves you pretty easily and he can leave you in the very next day. Why? Because he isn't ready to settle down, he wants to keep his options open. So you start dating and sleeping with the next guy that you know nothing about and don't have feelings for.
But when we start a relationship as friends with benefits, we are actually being HONEST. It is the sex without all of the above nonsense.....neither one of you is interested in commitment, neither one of you is emotionally ready to be in love perhaps....but being human it sometimes happens and when that happens you get hurt if the other person doesn't return you feelings.
Both scenarios are less than ideal, but somehow if we go in blind, we are not being immoral, we are not being used, and we are doing things the right way.
Bullocks! It is hard these days to tell if you are in fact in a relationship or not. People are selfish, spoiled and unable to truly love, until they are.....and that is a concsious decision that they have to make for themselves and it is anybody's guess when that happens.
If you like someone and can accept the relationship on honest terms then you are ahead of the game. If you can understand that dating is supposed to be just that, dating multiple partners seeking a mutual partnership with the right person for you, then you have to be strong enough for a bumpy ride and it is HARD to do.
One option, that makes more sense, but people rarely do. Is to be friends first, no sex, date and spend time with someone romantically, make out do the hand holding and kisses and caresses, but no sex penetrative or oral sex for months.....if a man is interested in a commitment, if he is interested in you, if he is wanting to be faithful, then he will be happy waiting for you and for spending time in your company, not for the sex but because he wants to get to know the real YOU first before the bonding experience of sex because for him sex is commitment.
If you want to know what a man is really about, tell him you want to wait to have sex.
If you want to go through all of the nonsense for sex then do so, no one can tell you not too, and being friends with benefits at the very least is more honest than the gee I wonder if this will go anywhere kind of sex that all the puritans like to profess and all the gamers like to use to get you in the sack.
Bitter? Nah, not me.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (26 April 2008):
 I dated a guy last year who I met on line and he was still in love with his ex. Please don't let this PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A MAN USE YOU.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (25 April 2008):
 This is a question of how much do you respect yourself. You will not respect yourself if your choice is to be his FWB and I guarantee he will NOT respect you either.
I tend to agree with all the others. He is not being completely honest with you, with his girlfriend or wife either.
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A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 You deserve so much better than this. Because you are smart and attractive there is no need to accept crumbs from anyone. Besides, you know he is a cheater. Would you really want a boyfriend who is a cheater?
I'm certain his gf doesn't know he does this.
Date others, as there are plenty of decent guys out there who would be crazy for only you.
Also hold off on the relations for a month or two after meeting someone and make sure they are wanting an exclusive relationship with you. Discuss this before. It is a shame these days that you have to ask, but you do. Ask about being exclusive and asked if he wants a relationship. This will weed out lots of the flakes.
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A
female
reader, bfly36 +, writes (24 April 2008):
 I'm sorry this happened, unfortunately we never know after sleeping with a man what will happen, will he stay or leave! This is ur choice, remember he LOVES her and he would only be having SEX with you. You would be second. Think about this, if u really loved a man and cared about him, would u ask an exboyfriend to be ur friend with benefits? probably not, i would not do it because it is hard for me to separate sex from love but apparently that is how things r done alot now and women settle for that, dont settle. take care and good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 April 2008):
 FWB most often means "F@#ked Without Benefits". If you enjoy being used then keep it up.
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A
male
reader, rproctor +, writes (24 April 2008):
Dont fall for this, he is scamming you of your heart, your body, and your soul! Leave him, find a real man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): Man this guy sounds like a class act all the way! First I seriously doubt his gf is okay with an open relationship. It's unlikely he'll ever change his mind. If you make him think that you're ok with being FWBs then it's likely he'll never see you as anything but that. Best chance for you is to tell him you want to be friends WITHOUT benefits. Then there may be a chance for you to become his gf later (if you still wanted to date a cheater that is).
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A
female
reader, Light +, writes (24 April 2008):
This guy is married, he has to be other wise why would he say that he wants to be with his ex - his full of it really.....
Darling I think you should forget about this guy, because you deserve the best not third best......
Stay away from people like these online, they never tell you the truth any way, AND DON'T SLEEP WITH ANY OF THEM on until he gives you his social security number ;)
Peace.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 April 2008):
 He's told you what he's prepared to do with you. High marks for honesty. Well, I do suspect that he's not being honest with his girlfriend, but that's someone else's worry.
So, would you be happy being a once a week girlfriend? I think you know that you deserve a truly balanced relationship, not one in which you are second or possibly even third or fourth best.
He's not going to change for you, I'm sorry to suspect...
Keep yourself safe, strong and self confident, don't let this man tell you you're not worth more than this!!!
All the best.
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (24 April 2008):
 You need to run like hell in the opposite direction of this guy. He loves his girlfriend so much he's cheating on her. I find it hard to believe she agrees to an open relationship, its something guys will say to make themselves look like less of a jerk.
If you only knew him for a few days and he broke up with you saying he wants his ex that should show you that he used you. We're not talking about months here. His feelings didnt suddenly change overnight. When he had sex with you he knew he wanted to be with her and now he thinks he can have the best of both worlds by keeping you on the side.
Tell him to shove it and get with someone who deserves you. I feel bad for his girlfriend, nobody deserves an asshole of a boyfriend like that. I think you know you can do a lot better than him and you shouldnt settle for his bs.
Take care
Brooke
xx
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A
male
reader, 2112EricYYZ  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 NO you SHOULDNT, you shouldnt be treated as a fwb its stupid youre not an object youre a human with fealings im sure you dont want to be fwb its still you call but you deserve a guy who wants what you want
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