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female
,
anonymous
writes: hi, its hard for me to forget what my boyfriend did to me. I fell in love with him 5 years ago, we met at work. he claims he loves me too. even though he is married, no kids. since he left for overseas, it has been difficult for me. on one hand he gave to me the most beautiful moments of life, he gave me reason to smile even in the worst of times, he was there when i did not have the strength to go on.there were times when i was verbally abused by his family, but he asked me to hold on for him. 5 years down the lane, he did not keep his promise. i cannot put that trust in him now cos he still shares the same bed as his wife. even though he knows it hurts me, he still does. his wife called me up a couple of times, demanding to know if i am still keeping in touch with him, but i denied. not because i was scared, but because i did not want her to be hurt. i do realise that she was his partner first, but doesn't everyone have a chance in life to show their loved ones how much they mean??why declare your love only when someone else comes in the picture??? i told him how i felt, i even asked him to be there for his wife. but he keeps confessing that i am his reason for success in life and that he only wants kids with me... somebody plse tell me what am i missing in this relationshp??? he says he loves me, but he is still living with his wife for reasons not known to me..is he feeling guilty aboutt spoiling my future??or simply running away from the fact??? which is it???
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (20 March 2006):
 Remember this tho. You gave him all you could but he wasn't yours to give to! Also, you only ever got a very poor 50% of him. He is married leave it alone move on. Find somebody free to love you back and who won't lie to you.x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2006): hi again, im the original writer of this question..its hard to forget what he did to me. it took one second for me to realise the lie that he gave to me all these years. can someone be so heartless to that person who gave him all that she could.
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (13 March 2006):
 Gifts are gifts...I never return them. Don't wear them for a while either though...just pack them away and forget them. If he Asks for them to be returned....he's a (insert bad word of choice)...and he wants them to impress his next flavor. If the wife finds them...she'll just destroy them.
Gifts are gifts and by thinking of the Returning...your using that as an excuse to maybe see him again and make him feel hurt enough to promise to leave the wife again.....don't use any excuse to see him any more. It is done.
Be strong. you have your whole life ahead of you and now you get to do something besides waste it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2006): hi again, i hve assured him that i will not discuss abt my relationship with him. whatver happened was just between me n him n i cannot take away her happiness to make my own. i admit i was the third person in their lives, but i know that thre was never a time i wanted to hurt anyone in this. to clap needs two hands, not just one. he gave me a watch 5 years ago n some other things which i hve until now. very expensive and elegant, but the thot was special. i feel i should return it back to him..shud i ???
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (9 March 2006):
Well it depends on where you are at the time as to how honest you should be.
If you are hoping to break them up and snatch him....then telling her every last detail may break them up. (but I warn you...he will never forgive you and you will never snatch him...he may even be able to convince her that you are a nut...after all why would that crazy woman say we had ended then after all this time change her tune)
Now if you are still trying to convince YOURSELF he's a loooooooooosssserrrrr....then by all means ask honest questions...give honest answers...(without trying to be hurtful...no matter how bad you think your are hurting...remember she walked away with the prize which was no prize at all...he's a loooooooossserrrrr. Don't add to her pain.)
If you are in a stage of healing....be humble and cause her NO HARM. Tell her that you Loved him but he just loved her MORE and you finally gave up. (Remember...you have stolen from this woman...give her a little hope...it is not too much to ask. She must face a life with him...all her dreams shattered...the fairy tale gone. Treat her with kindness and don't blab hurtful details)
Forgive Him...Forgive her....and most of all Forgive yourself and know that you are much wiser now. Some part of this mess will be a lesson you needed in the future and even though it may seem hard (some days impossible) right now...the exercise in healing and becoming happy with yourself...will make you strong and a much better catch in the long run. Take only the good things you have learned and accept the pain...and give it time to pass. Never look back hopeing he just might.....blah blah blah. Jump that fence and roll in the good green grass of real life and thank your lucky stars that Astro turf is behind you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006): Hi. . thanks for the answers. i began to realise what i really missed out on in the last 5 years. it will be hard in the first stages, but i want to get out of it and i will. cos i know i deserve better than this. its amazing that people dont realise what theyhad, until the day they lose them. not that i expect him to feel his loss, but i learnt my lesson.n im glad i am able to get out of something that never was. just one more question..if ever his wife calls me, i want to be honest with her n tell her the truth. shud i ????
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (8 March 2006):
This is classic *having your cake and eating it*. Dont go there, he is not yours to love. IF and that is a big IF, he was free you could go for it. But he is married to his wife and he choses not to divorce her to be with you. Can you not see you are being played girl?
If you want to be second best go on and do it. But I think you should get some self-respect and decency and back off. Let this couple rebond as they did when they first married and stay out of their picture. Go find somebody else to love and make sure that he is free to love you back.
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (8 March 2006):
He is where he wants to be...no matter what he Tells you. He is having a wife and a little on the side....for just as long as you allow him to do it.
He does not even have the classic old standby...KIDS. Nope he wants YOU to give him those....that way he can play DAD...just like he's playing you. (maybe his wife can't or won't have children...maybe he doesn't want them except in a pop in and out sort of way.) The next time the wife calls...Don't be a fool. Talk to her...ask some questions of your own. Has he promised to divorce her? Ask Her why she thinks that has not happened yet...is there some big reason? Other than he never intended to. If he has not ask her for a divorce....He's not gonna.
He's not feeling guilty about spoiling your future...(you are giving him the power to spoil it NOW)he has you exactly where he wants you. In the dark waiting like a mushroom for his attention. He even has you telling his wife lies...so he can Play the good hubby. She worked up the nerve to call you and you backed him...Why? You did not want to hurt her? Or you knew she had the power to end it if you and she put your cards together to really sit down and find out what the game is? (you can't win a game if you don't know the rules....and you don't know anything except what He's allowing you to know....if he controls the flow of information...he controls the game)
You say he's given you the most wonderful times of your life. Ask yourself what you may have missed....waiting for him. Five years is a long time...but it just slips by before you realise it. If you had dumped him even four years ago...would you have met someone else...be married now...have children of your own? You can't say no...because you really have not put the effort into discovering. You have put your eggs in the loser basket...and you are not a loser. Get them out...And play a game you can win.
You said yourself that you can not put your trust in him because he did not keep his promise. Find someone who can.
What are you missing? Well your are pretty much missing everything...from the guy up the street who would be proud to introduce you to his family... to your friends setting you up on 40 blind dates that turn out to be a bust...then Mr 41 who wants to spend his LIFE with you and keeps his promises. Your missing In-laws and kids and arguing about the credit cards and going to the grocery holding hands. You are missing your whole world...for a lot of hope, and heartache topped off with a little sex and meaningless words. You deserve more.
Its really nice of you to make him a success...to bad his wife gets to glory in your hard work...wouldn't it be nice to support someone who wants to SHARE his success with YOU...for all to see. You can have that...just not with him.
HE IS WHERE HE Wants TO BE......are you? please remember, his wife is not your enemy...his lies are your enemy. Put the burden where it belongs. Be honest with yourself and move out of his life and back into your own.
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