A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my boyfriend for 2 yrs. i love him somuch, but i dont know what to do. 4 months into our relationship he left me to get back with his ex, it literally broke my heart. he realised he made a mistake and we got back together. ever since then iv never been able to trsut him. he has lied about a few other silly things but nothing that serious.I found out a few months he cheated with two sisters, only kissed apperently but he was texting one of them quite a bit. This broke my heart again.i am not innocent, i have cheated on him as well but he was never found out about this, the reason i did it was because he makes me feel not wanted and like he doesnt fancy me any more. he has a quite a bad a addiction to weed and that just makes him just sit there and sex is the last thing on his mind.he also is a terrible binge drinker, he only drinks on weekends, but once he starts he cant stop!!! he drinks all night, the next morning, and well into the next day until his body breaks down and he goes to sleep.he also been violent on several occassions, kicked me,slapped me,punched my arms,spat at me and has left bruises. hes borken some of my things. he has been arrested for this, bt no further action was taken as i decided not to bother pressing charges because i know some women suffer from domestic violence much more than i have. i dont know what to do any more! i know he loves me, he two different people, one minute we are laughing and cuddling and the happiest couple in the world. the next im screaming and crying and hes being a bully making me scared by the threat of violence. we are on a break at the moment becuase hes got too drunk and didnt come to an important family meal. please help me! remember im not innocent and i do love him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank ypu sp much for your answers! hearing from those who have been in similar situations has really helped me and i think i know what to do now. iv decided to levae him until he can get his life back on track,working and not abusing drugs and alochol so thanku! x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): The only way I can give advice is to relate to you with a personal experience. I was in a relationship for 2 years with a guy who was also abusive. He was my first everything, and I truly loved him with all my heart. I met him when I was 16 and we dated until I was 18. He cheated on me numerous times throughout our relationship but he was so good at manipulating me and pulling me back into loving him.
Not until we broke up did I realize that the entire time, he used verbal abuse/manipulation on me. He never layed a finger on me but would tell me I am ugly, not thin enough, not funny enough, not flirty enough, not sexy enough all the time. Because is this, my self-esteem was almost non-existent. I literally felt like I was uglier than dirt and didn't deserve anyone better. In fact, I could barely look at myself in the mirror because I seriously thought of myself as "grotesque."
He, like your boyfriend, was also into drugs, weed and believe it or not, meth. He smoked weed all the time, but did meth behind my back. I can relate to what you said about him not having any motivation to have sex with you. My ex would tweak out on meth behind my back and then stay up for hours playing video games, and would never come to bed. I'd wake up at 6 in the morning sometimes and he would still be awake. Well eventually, I caught on.
Another minor detail I should mention is that he went to jail twice while we were together, once for a fellony, and second time because he got caught with a weapon that was obstructed from view while he was on probation.
I can also say that I ended up cheating on him. The second time he went to jail, I broke up with him, but yet again he manipulated me into staying with him until he got out of jail.
While he was there, a guy who I met that was friends with my best friend started coming onto me, and he was so good looking. It was as though I had a realization that I DID deserve better, and I cheated on my ex, not out of spite of him, but to feel like I wasn't uglier than dirt!
My ex found out that I cheated on him when I suddenly broke up with him... and he tried to get back with me several times, saying he made a mistake in everything he did in our relationship and that he was a changed man. I ended up going back to him once, just to realize that I was over him. And I never went back.
***
This is the advice I want to give you that helped me out of my toxic relationship. Ask yourself these questions:
Is your love for him real? Or is it superficial? Superficial meaning, does he manipulate you into staying with him?
Do the good things outweigh the bad? For example, you say one minute you are happy laughing and cuddling, the next you are crying and screaming... How long does that couple minutes of happiness last compared to the hurt and the pain you endure?
Do you think his drug and alcohol problem is the reason he is so abusive? Could quitting change your relationship altogether?
Does he truly love you enough to realize he's causing you pain when he drinks and smokes weed all the time and quit?
How long are you willing to invest in a toxic relationship like this if he is never willing to change?
You've been together 2 years. That is a lot of precious time you two have wasted being in an unhealthy relationship. How many more years of this heartbreak and hurt are you willing to endure? Think of all the memories you could have had in a healthy relationship.
Also, are you content wasting your time with someone who makes you feel unwanted? Wouldn't you rather have someone who makes you feel beautiful? Turns down alcohol and drugs just to be with you?
I think you have a lot of soul searching to do... either you accept that he may never change (because more often than not, people DO NOT change for another person... especially when they are drug/alcohol addicts or abusers. They must change for themself. Period.) OR you realize that you DO deserve better, and you chose to break up with him for good, to find real, authentic love that you deserve, AND a happy and healthy relationship.
Sorry for writing a novel, but I hope this helps.
God bless and good luck
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 You need to help yourself here nobody on here can help you, he does not love you, if we love someone we do not treat them like that, weed or alcohol is no excuse, if he loved you he would get clean of the weed and get help with his binge drinking, and most of all get help with the violence. Any violence is wrong he should be reported for this, you need to stand up for yourself, this is not a relationship it is a disaster, he probably went back to you again after his ex because she wont put up with his crap, what is it you love about him exactly? What do you see for the future? A slob sitting around all day smoking weed and going out drinking all weekend, he is a poor excuse for a man, you need to leave him and let him sort his own life out, it is not healthy for you or him, and violence is wrong wrong wrong and you are just letting him get away with it, avoid contact with him tell him you dont want to hear from him until he sorts out his life, you cant do this for him he needs to do it himself and he needs to be on his own to do this.
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