A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We've lived together for one of those years and I've known him for going on nine years. I love him. Recently I've thought about marriage and I've concluded that I would like to formalize and declare our commitment with a formal, legal ceremony.When the subject was tentatively broached, he expressed complete indifference to the idea and said he thinks marriage is a complete waste of money and time. I was crushed.Am I making too much of marriage? If we love each other and live together should that be enough? Should I leave if he won't ask me to marry him even if he said he's committed to a monogamous relationship with me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all.
It's a question that I've been agonizing about but secretly because the whole idea of marriage - to me anyway - is that it should be mutual.
I don't want him to "do it for my sake" or be guilted/pressured into it.
I think that you all are correct. I do love him and for now I am happy and so I am not going to make any dramatic changes (e.g.Moving out). I don't want to rush into things but my biological clock IS ticking and I do want to have a child. However, I want to be married when I have the child and married to someone committed to the union.
That means that I will have to be prepared to leave should we continue to see the issue differently.
You all have helped me to understand my concerns and see the issue clearly. I appreciate your advice - Sincerely!
Thanks.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): PLEASE don't have kids with him, that's all I ask. PLEASE DON'T.
If he can't sign his name on a piece of paper to you then he's not really committed for decades to come.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): My wife and I went together for 4 years and then lived together for 2 and 1/2 years. I then got a job transfer to a city a long distance away. We talked about it and decided that we wanted to be together and got married. The only reason that we got married was because she was leaving her job and would need medical insurance. Also, I thought that if she were making such a commitment then getting married was the right thing to do. We may have never gotten married if it were not for this move or for some other financial reason. I'm not sure how the US tax code is now, but back then, with 2 people working, there was a big tax savings in not being married. Getting married did not change our feelings toward each other in any way that we could tell. It was just a piece of paper that allowed us some benefits that we needed. Once she retired we would have probably gotten married for tax reasons again. We were about 10 years older than you are at that time. We had both also been married and divorced, so we didn't consider it important anymore.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): First you propose. Then the other person says yes or no.
The beauty of this is theres no middle ground, no sitting on the fence. no blah blah blah
He's already crushed your dreams, you can do better than this.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): I think depending on where you want this relationship to go you should get married. Marriage is a sign on commitment, whether religious or not!. Marriage does not have to cost much! you could get married in a registry office. If marriage or commitment is what your partner is willing to give you then what would he think about this. I am bitter with the whole notion of people just living together and having children out of wedlock. yes people will get divorced and it may be more emotionally draining to do everything legally but there is so much more to being married. I may be sounding hypercritical as I have three children out of wedlock, but let me ADD my partner always said hed married me. we were together for 5 years before our first child was born and I still waited and dreamed of the day he'd ask me. four years later and after the third was born. he up'd and left. So much for commitment. If I HAD BEEN MARRIED I wouldnt have felt like such a fool for hopping hed one day trully commit. I believe that Many of those people who say they are happy not marriaged probably are. But, I believe that if one of them proposed (preferably the man) I wonder if they'd trully say no. I think many of us are old fashioned deep down but coping with the notion that the other wont marry us is less hurtful if we shrug it off and say like school kids 'SO... its just a piece of paper anyway'. I think you should get marriage but I wouldnt leave if he said know as long as there are no plans for children. Good luck!
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male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (20 November 2007):
It seems you people have a different opinion about and definition of marraige.It's not proper to live with your partner for a long time and not marry them.I owayz ask this question.Is being in a relationship a hobby for some of u people?Do you just want your needs to be satisfied and then jump to another partner.Firstly marraige offers security not found in a mere affair unless marraiges there hv become meaningless.Secondly,living with your partner unsurps alot of sexual pleasing potential from your partner and therefore it's only fair that you marry her/him.Only people with low morals fear marraige and i would encourage you to speak to him seriously about it.If he's still indifferent brace yourself and move on because in my own words,YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME.
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (20 November 2007):
 Hi again,
You shouldnt put too much importance of my using the term "demands' . On reflection it was too strong a word, I agree "needs" would be much more appropriate.
I guess I just have difficulty understanding where you are coming from. My love for my wife is unconditional, it is undying and dying and living and breathing . So I have to disagree with you when you say there are many circumstances where your leaving someone is a wise choice -only because the obvious reference here is a reluctance to get married is one of these very circumstances.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (20 November 2007):
 If things are working well for both of you, and you are enjoying a loving relationship, I wouldn't rush into marriage right now. Even though 2 years seems like forever, it's not. You can always tie the knot later, perhaps if you decide to have children together. I also have my own personal theory, that marriage changes things. People (especially) women can tend to feel more like property after marriage, than they did when they were only living together. I also think some men will treat a woman better when they are not married because they know she can leave at any time. You are a "free bird" in a sense, and this keeps everyone on their toes, rather than taking each other for granted. But it's all a personal choice. I almost immediately regretted getting married on some level, because I felt like the game was over and soon therafter, the mundane set in. A kiss of death to any romantic relationship. Take it slow, and give your b/f time to warm up to the idea. If it's meant to be, it'll happen in time and when you're both ready for it. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"There is one slight thing which always bothers me on these type of questions. The writer always professes their undying love for their partner yet in the same breath appear just as willing to end the relationship if demands arent met."Hi Collaroy,Thank you for your thoughtful response. You too Peoriaman (answered below). You've framed the two sides of the debate nicely.However, I must object to the above quoted characterization. I didn't profess an undying love, just love. Also, there are many circumstances where you leaving someone you love is a wise choice. It's not a matter of leaving if my DEMANDS aren't met, it's a matter of leaving if my NEEDS aren't met. If I loved many things about being with him but found he was indifferent to physical intimacy then I might have to leave, as my needs were not being met.I guess I want to know if his indifference to marriage is a mask for an aversion to real, solid, honest commitment.
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (20 November 2007):
Hi,
wow! I can imagine the variety of replies this question will elicit.
I am not a Conservative or a religious person so my views clouded by my upbringing.
I am married ( have been for 10 years ) but most of my friends aren't. They have all been with their partners for 10 or more years and all have children. Marriage never comes up as they can't see the point Its expensive and they argue that its insecure to feel that you have to get a piece of paper from the State sealing your commitment to each other. I admit my wife and I got married because we needed to to emigrate to Australia. Would we be married otherwise? maybe not.
On the other hand, I can see the other side of the argument. Society puts so much importance on marriage, whether it be for tax, property, family issues etc. And if you were brought up to believe in the whole white wedding lovey dovey model then I can imagine it would be near impossible to drop this dream. For some people it is the most important moment of their life,its a chance for family to see how they've grown up and want to build a future for themselves. A coming of age as it were.
You are in the all too common situation of having a partner who believes in marriage as just bending to societies way of control like many today as opposed to the romantic notion of a commitment for life.
Unfortunately their is no middle ground, you cannot be half married, I guess its just a question for you of whether you can talk your boyfriend around and if you cant whether you honestly believe its worth leaving someone you love and for that matter the person you want to spend the rest of your life with - apparently - for the sake of societies blessing on your relationship.
There is one slight thing which always bothers me on these type of questions. The writer always professes their undying love for their partner yet in the same breath appear just as willing to end the relationship if demands arent met. I guess it just goes to show how much people value marriage - even to the extent of leaving the person you think you are destined to be with for the rest of your life.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): first, is he totally against marriage EVER? or does he just want to wait longer until he is COMPLETELY sure? second, this all depends on how much marriage means to YOU. have u had ur heart set on marrriage your whole life or would you be ok just living in a domestic partnership? if you cant bear the thought of never ever getting married, then you have to take this into account. i know how just the commitment of it means a lot to many women, so would him making another gesture to show his love for you help the situation?let us know how it goes and best wishes my dear!
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