A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I'm gonna try to condense the past 5 years into a few paragraphs! haha So my boyfriend and I met in 2004 when we were both much younger and immature (18 and 20), we practically lived together and dated for 6 months, then broke up. We were just really young and not ready for a LTR, but it still broke my little 18yr old heart! Fast forward a year and a few months to Nov 2006. We had both dated other people, and still hung out occassionally. He approached me wanting to get back together, said he fell back in love with me on a trip to New Orleans, and felt we had grown up a lot and so I decided to give it another shot. We then dated until July of 2009 (Now ages 23 and 25). While we've had a number of issues (him inappropriately talking to girls online, checking each others email), the unhappiness seemed to coincide with what what going on in his life. (When he had family problems or school problems- our relationsip suffered) I've had some jealousy issues (due to the girls thing) and we just got to a point where we weren't really enjoying each other much anymore. Well he graduated from college in May and was expecting to have a job lined up before then. We had plans to move together, and I even put off 2 semesters of school so that I could transfer with him. Well, May came, then June... and still no job. He began to get unhappy and we finally broke up (translated: "he dumped me" said I gave him an ultimatum) at the beginning of July. It was really bad for a few weeks, but I managed to work through it, realizing maybe it was for the best. We both had a few crazy nights (I made out with a friend once, felt awful and told him. Then he made out with a friend, then had a one night stand with HER friend... grr) But, we still talked every day and hung out. He went out of town with me and told me how terrible he felt after he hooked up with her and realized things weren't at all the same with that (random) one night stand, and he felt awful, wanted to work things out, but knew he probably ruined everything.In the meantime, I bought a new car, hung out with my girlfriends (and guy friends, lol) enrolled in classes (16 hrs) while working 40 hrs a week. Basically keeping myself busy and focusing on the things I've been neglecting.So, during the next month or so we consistently talked everyday, hung out on the weekends, even slept together 3 times... and yet we hadn't made a decision. We even have season tickets together for football games, plans for a trip in October, etc.. So finally, last weekend it became too much and I basically drunk texted him that we needed to choose one way or the other. We were both (mainly I was) getting upset and hurt by our non-relationship.We had lunch the next day and discussed all the issues we have, and talked about whether we should go cold turkey and cut contact, or try to work things out. Basically we both care deeply about each other, have the same (really hard to find) views on religion and politics, but are both nervous as to whether this relationship is possible. He gets irritated with me (he has these irritation/ anxiety issues) and I get hurt a lot because I dont feel like I get the proper affection from someone who loves me. I mean I get more affection from my guy friends, lol. I think I'm just scared I might be missing out on someone who can treat me better, and I dont want someone to settle with me either... It sucks because we do love each other, but dont really make each other happy. We want things to work out, but not sure if they will. We're taking things slowly but I'm really pretty scared I might be wasting my time... I dont know what to do!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009): Original Author-I'm just curious if it's possible to "start fresh" and not have a "continuation of the relationship," because that's exactly what it is- a continuation of a friendship and a relationsip between two people. You can't completely re-wire the way your brain thinks about a person once you have an established history and frame of reference... So I guess my question is: is it possible to move on and accept these things once your significant other has left you, slept with another person and then come back?I dont even know if someone who has done those things can really be serious about a relationship. I'm not sure how someone can really love you and do those things...The sad thing is, we don't really have any expectations of each other... maybe we have negative expectations, or simply realize there's no point in holding your breath. When a couple has broken up twice and routinely evaluating their relationship can they actually fall back in love and be happy with each other? hmm...
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 September 2009):
 It's not going to work out. You state: "not sure if they will." and "scared I might be wasting my time" It's true when said that negative thoughts CANNOT produce a positive outcome. It's not going to work out because you doubt it will. When you do you're sitting back and just waiting for the fuse to ignite the TNT and destroy everything you didn't think was going to work out in the first place. In order for it to work you have to take not working out of the equation. That's first and foremost.
In our design we seek out and establish relationships, whether it be friendships, work relationships or dating and beyond. With that comes a wide variety of emotions, but those emotions stem from two main areas. 1) The desire to be loved, (2) The fear of loosing love, by which jealousy is a byproduct of.
It sounds as if this relationship really can work, but you two are stubborn by letting these little outside obstacles control what you have inside your relationship. You aren't making each other happy because your past together has set your expectations for each try. It's not resetting a new, it's a continuation of the past. Dump the past and start fresh. You two deserve a real chance at building this relationship.
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