A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My Fiancé and I are currently getting back in the groove of becoming a normal couple again after we had a huge fallout, One of the things that happened is that she lost all of the excitement and passion.. And even though we are slowly bonding again and getting along, affectionate things like hugs and kisses haven't been present yet. She did kiss me goodnight last night before she left to hang out with some friends so that was a step in the right direction. I'm glad we are at a good place right now I just am not sure what I can do at this point to re-light that spark. One of the things that sucked the excitement and passion out was that I would always need to know where she was at and what she was doing. I have stopped that cold turkey and have given her tons of space and time apart. She seems to be responding well to that, If I keep up on this will that help her appreciate me more and then help create that spark again?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2014):
 If I do x, doesn't she owe me y?
No, she doesn't.
You say she lost all the excitement and passion. Based on the rest of this post, I would say that a more accurate statement would be: I messed up and didn't trust her and smothered her to the point that she couldn't stand it and grew so annoyed that the relationship ended. Now I'm trying to be a good boy and not demand to know where she's going and who she's out with (see, I just let go out with some friends)…
One of my little idiosyncrasies is that I notice the narrative mode or the voice of the post. As in, first person ('I screwed up"), second person ('you screwed up') and third peron ('he screwed up'). There's also a passive tense, in which there is no personal pronoun…. "it was screwed up".
You really show a preference for that passive tense
One of the things that happened is that she lost all of the excitement and passion. (as if it was her fault she lost that excitement etc)
affectionate things like hugs and kisses haven't been present yet (she doesn't want to hug and kiss you, again, kind of her fault in the analysis here based on your point of view)
She doesn't feel a spark for you because you are sitting in your passive tense… you say you are taking ownership of your obsessive (and frankly unhealthy) need to know every single thing about her at all times.
Honestly, she probably has not done you a favor here. She is not going to get the spark back. You may think you are bonding, I'll bet she thinks she is easing you out of this obsession with her.
Why would she appreciate you? You've been annoying and clingy. There is absolutely nothing sexy about that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2014): "One of the things that sucked the excitement and passion out was that I would always need to know where she was at and what she was doing. I have stopped that cold turkey and have given her tons of space and time apart."Controlling behavior. You've stopped cold turkey for now. Let's see if you can do it for a month, a year, for a lasting relationship and marriage if it happens. "If I keep up on this will that help her appreciate me more and then help create that spark again?"Red flag! You shouldn't be giving her space so that SHE will APPRECIATE YOU. You will give her space to RESPECT HER comfort zone. Don't make this about pleasing her in order for her to please you in return (which to me sounds like sex, "spark" = intimacy) because that tells me you're not sincere in changing. Stop getting caught up in yourself. Recognize your fiance as a person, an individual with friends and someone who wants her own time to do things. This impatience will only hurt the relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 April 2014):
 OP, I did not answer your previous questions, but I remember that you have posted about this a couple of times very recently.
So, you are making it sound as if this distance has been going on since a while, and the whole process is long and painful, when actually since when you stopped obsessing her and let her breathe , it must have been a week or so.
Don't you see , OP ? You are thinking , and speaking, in terms of irrational anxiety and this makes you impatient... and ineffective. It took a while to do the damage, now it will take a while to have it undone. If giving her space seems to give good results, great , but you need to be consistent, not to freak out and break down after few days... and go back to your old ways , as I am sure you are tempted to do.
This is not really about love or feelings , IMO. It's more , perhaps, like... suppose that you are a needy, demanding toddler, OP - one of those that ALWAYS want mom's attention, always want to sit in her lap, never can be left an hour with a grandma or a babysitter, ALWAYS fill up with their requests for attention and comfort mom's every waking second- mom is human too, she would still love you, she'd love you regardless no matter what- but she would be DRAINED, mentally and physically exhausted , and eventually she would NEED to have a toddler free day out, or even a weekend , if she does not want to have a nervous breakdown.
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