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female
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anonymous
writes: What do you do when he says "I won't ever marry you" and you desperately want him back? We're in our 30s, living together for 9 months but argue and fight. One fight brought this response. I don't know what do do now, because I want to win him back, and be the kind of woman he would want to marry. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (9 February 2006):
 If he's said he won't marry you, then you need to examine that statement and take it at face value. What if what he said is true?
What if he won't marry you, ever? How would you feel about him? About your relationship? About staying together? About the fighting?
Not all relationships end up permanent and not all couples are suited to the long term. To me, it sounds like this last fight somehow squeezed the truth out of him. He may regret putting it that way, but if what he said is true, wouldn't you rather know about it?
You can't "fight" for someone who doesn't want you. You can only be who you are and what you are. If he doesn't want who you actually are, then you could paint your face blue and dance naked on a piano singing "Happy Days are Here Again" and it's not going to get his attention.
What you should *not* do is pretend to be someone or something else, just to lure him back. (Also known as "changing to make him want me".) Because you'll either be stuck living a lie for the rest of your life, or you'll eventually slacken off and go back to being the You that he doesn't want to marry. Neither option is very nice.
I suggest that you're both overdue for a long talk with a couples' counsellor (provided your boyfriend will go with you). You need to decide as a couple what you want out of your collective future and how to work together without the squabbling. And you personally need to decide if marriage is one of your non-negotiables, because if it is, and he really isn't planning on marriage, then you need to know that so you can decide whether you stay or go.
Good luck, dear.
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female
reader, lisa_01 +, writes (9 February 2006):
 Dont nag, dont fight just talk not argue, i know its easier said then done, maybe a relationship councilor might help the communication get back on track.plus you have only been living together for 9 months, i know from experience it takes awhile to adapt to a new atmosphere and living with someone you have never lived with before, you learn everything about them, you learn what makes them tick. my b/f and i had only been together about 6 months and moved into togeher which was a big mistake, for about 9 months into living with each other we hardly talked,we would fight, we hated the sight of each other, but once you start to grow and learn things change for the good, and well its only 9 months i would not stress when he says he says he doesnt want to marry you it was probably just in the heat of the moment and he may have just been refering to the current sitution not the future.
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