A
male
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anonymous
writes:I am gay and have been in a relationship with my bf for over two years and we've been living together for one year.Things have been going well except for in the bedroom. Sex is strictly once a week very late at night on a weekend (and with no exceptions). This is when he is interested in having sex. It has been like this since we moved in together, but was far from it before that.He is happy for hugs and kisses, as long as the kisses don't go beyond the lips. I find this so hard as so often I just want to give him an intimate kiss but he won't allow it. For a while he wouldn't even let me see him with his clothes off when he got undressed to go to bed.I have spoken to him about it three times and all he will say is that he doesn't know why.Sex is great when it happens, but that is once a week when he feels like it. I told him we'd just have sex when he felt like it and he said that that sounded terrible and horrible for me - does he not realise that is the way it is happening?I now feel that when I feel like sex or even just a kiss that I just have no hope of getting it - and that is heartwrenching. I have been putting off talking to him about this again as I don't want to seem pushy.Any ideas? Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked about this stuff with my bf yesterday. He said he is feeling happy, adjusted, loving and content with me and with us living together and just doesn't "think" to kiss me and doesn't feel like sex as much as he used to.
I know this is what sometimes happens, buy where is the logic? If he is so happy with me why isn't he more interested in me physically?
Whenever I mention the lack of sex his solution to the problem seems to be just telling me that he doesn't feel like it much any more (that is it, he says that and it's all supposed to be fine?). I am guessing he must have never felt sexually frustrated in his life as he seems to have no idea.
As puzzled and confounded as ever.
A
male
reader, MrShy  +, writes (22 March 2007):
Hey there.
You need to sit down and chat with him about this face to face. He needs to sit down and figure out why he feels this way because this will cause a lot of discomfort on either side for both.
It's strange that before you moved in together that things were fine, then we you moved in it became rare.
Did something happen to him perhaps to have made him feel insecure or uncomfortable? Did something happen perhaps that he has never told you about, when he was growning up? Perhaps stress at work?
You guys are in a relationship and there needs to be an understanding and comprehension of one anothers needs and wants.
Its unfair on both of you. He must also realise the implications this is having on you, because if my partner for example would avoid me when I wanted to be intimate or be close and they avoid going down that path and brushes me off, I'll feel neglected and at the end of the day it'll push us apart.
Keep me posted.
M xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Mr Shy.
I know he is avoiding me. When I spoke to him about this before he eventually admitted that he avoids kissing me beyond the lips as he doesn't want it to lead to sex. He also never allows me to touch him anywhere that might be considered sexual. He says he just doesn't feel like it as much but doesn't know why. If it was always this way I'd think it is the way he is, but it wasn't always this way. It happened almost the moment we moved in together. He just says I'd don't know why and I am starting to think that that isn't a good enough reason and if he doesn't know he should find out why.
He most certainly isn't avoiding me generally, just in this regard. It isn't just the lack of sex, but the lack of real intamcy and the restrictions that have been imposed on me. I feel like I am not allowed to do this and I'm not allowed to do that.
We will have to talk about this again.
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A
male
reader, MrShy +, writes (18 March 2007):
Hi there,
Firstly, I want to say that I know how you feel when you are the one that initiates everything and from the sound of things you do everything right, and you know when to pull back when he doesn't reciprocate your feelings and your needs.
Reading what the other aunts wrote, and judging from your response to that, I unfortunately and please don't take this as a offence but I have the feeling that he is starting to avoid you, and any form of contact?
Ok, we're all humans and our sexual urges do at times become more stronger, and at times it's just not there, but I'd recon that when you love someone you'd want to be with them and be inimate in all ways, granted that both feel that way, but you are the only one intiating it. If he feels uncomfortable or has issues then you both need to address this together as this will cause you huge amounts of stress and he'll get aggravated by your simple gestures of keeping the spark alive.
Please have a chat with him, and see what he says because I know how it feels when you make all the effort and it goes unknoticed and when you get pushed away for showing your feelings.
Let me know what happens.
M xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you TygersDream and goodbutnotgifted for your posts.I think the avoidence of kissing me is definitely because he is worried it will lead to sex. The thing is that I give him plenty of non-sexual attention and intamcy. Hugs, toungeless kisses, gestures, doing things for him that are helpful or romantic, talking about everything including his worries, and try also to give him his own space and not be too full on. I do all these things and then occasionally try for a full on kiss or sex and I just get knocked back.I never ask for sex. All I do is wait patiently hoping for him to want it but nothing happens. I wait as I don't want to seem pushy but when nothing ever happens I'll make a move but only to be rejected. He'll move my hand, turn away, or all of a sudden have something to do, or he'll say he's too busy and then do nothing for an hour. I used to think maybe I was a bit too full on, so I stepped right back and use a lot of self control but it has made no difference.I am starting to find it all really depressing and at times it makes me angry and dissapointed. We are supposed to love each other yet he seems to be thinking only of himself. I've asked if there is a problem and if there is he isn't telling me. I've tried to be understanding, reasonable and patient and it has all been hopeless.If I keep being patient I feel I'll just remain waiting and suffering in silence and nothing will change. If I raise the issue again I am worried that will make it worse.Any further advice very gratefully received. Thanks.
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A
male
reader, goodbutnotgifted  +, writes (15 March 2007):
 Yea, Middle ground, I am just like you man, if the wife bends over she gets it, but there has to be the sexless intamcy as well. They want to know you love em not just lie in wait for the next good romp. It happens more frequently when its their idea. especialy if your going to be more willing to "listen" to their body language through out the day. What I do is after the wife and I have sex, I tell myself, "Ok, now try three days without even using the word sex in conversation and I go for it, beleive it or not she is jumping me by day two. And that is realy hot. I hope you can find happiness, I know if you try to go in turns it works for me and it could be the answer for you too. Most folks are preocupied by daily life or for whatever reason dont think of sex like you do or I do. He just wants to feel in control of the world moving outside his door, and you would rather let the world turn and have some passion, Try taking turns and email if it doesnt work, I have a few more tricks you can try, but it will involve waiting for him to come to you. Have faith itll be sooner than you think.
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A
female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (15 March 2007):
 Ok, I can't really advise you on how to go about it, but I can tell you what he might be feeling.
I'm living with my fiance and he likes having his sex everyday. He's affectionate and would like to go for the intimate kissing whenever possible which 5/8 of the time would lead to sex. Most of the time, however, I just want him to hug me or give me the tongueless kisses and tell me that he loves me. I usually feel reluctant about going up to bed because I usually just want to get into bed, cuddle up and sleep. But half the time he usually wants to have sex. The sex is great, but it's just the mood-change that I have to do in order to enjoy it.
Perhaps I feel this way because I'd like to have some privacy, or maybe a change in our sex-habits. Sometimes I just want to get from point A to B without having the sex-interruption in between. I cannot explain how I would improve MY excitement or anticipation for sex, because I just don't feel like it! I have other things to worry about like my job and my family and I need the silence and the isolation to do it in peace. I guess these things are interrupting me, and as such it seems like HE is the one who is disturbing my patterns.
I'm not saying I'm right, I understand that a relationship cannot work this way for long, but maybe if I just have THIS SPACE to myself I will not try to distance myself. Perhaps living together feels like you have to be a good host/hostess to a guest who isn't going to leave and complains that you're not giving yourself to them enough. I feel like DREAMtime is over and now I have to deal with reality and it's challenges (and I don't mean my fiance).
I don't know how else to explain it, but I just wanted to give you a possible insight into how your bf MIGHT be feeling.
Does the problem look clearer if you look at it from the Host and guest perspective? Maybe it's not the things that you say, but the things that you do - like instead of aiming STRAIGHT for the target, do some other things that will make you guys feel closer- rekindle the romance, pay attention to your friendship, start courting him again.
I could be hitting WAY off the mark, but I hope this helps.
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