A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I've been with my bf for over a year and we've talked about marriage and kids quite a lot. Problem is, when we first got together, he was not over his ex and we had some issues of him lying to me about contacting her and hiding emails/texts from me. then, the contact got a bit inappropriate, talking sexually. Not necessarily directed at each other, just about what they used to like. Two sentences max, but he hid it from me. I forgave him and months down the line she starts seeing someone and he flips out a bit but we thought it was residual only. He has a friend who he dated 9 years ago that he occasionally talks to, she kinda disrespected our relationship and he didn't stand up for us at first, then finally did. She blew up and said that he used to be okay with her talking shit about his gf and stopped talking to him. Now he feels awful and wants to be friends with her. I tried telling him that he didn't do anything wrong by sticking up for us and he knows, but still wishes things were different. So, Problem is, it's been six months since anything really bad has happened and I still don't trust him. Our sex life is so awful now, maybe once a month and I've stopped initiating. He saw his ex as this sex goddess and feels I'm the type of woman to settle down with instead. Weird thing is, I've always been the sex kitten, or the girl to show off to your friends so this is really new to me. But, I've never felt so low about myself, wishing I could make him want me more or something. He won't open up to me about any sexual fantasies and says it's uncomfortable to talk to me about that stuff. We just don't match sexually anymore. I still love him and feel that I'll marry him, but recently it's gotten worse. I started having dreams about cheating and i've been looking at other guys. I have never cheated, but I'm so unsatisfied with our sex life, and it's making me cranky outside the bedroom too. I feel like he doesn't want me like he wanted her, even if he didn't ever want to be with her long term, I want both. How can I reignite the spark between us and gain some self confidence? Please help, thank you!
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female
reader, OneUnhappyLady +, writes (22 October 2011):
 A year? Honey get out now! He is a serial cheater and validates himself by keeping women on a string. He makes you feel unsexy in order to manipulate you into trying harder to please him and forget about pleasing yourself.He still talks to his ex, and his old ex-can we say booty calls?Do not marry him.Do not get pregnant.Run screaming.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (21 October 2011):
 You have to talk to him about this - regardless of whether he is uncomfortable or not he needs to understand how serious this is!
I was in a sort of similar situation with my most recent ex - our sex life went down the toilet and I got so fed up with feeling unwanted that I stopped initiating, he never made an effort either so we were having sex maybe once a month if that (he was 28 I'm 24 so not at all old!) and I was incredibly unsatisfied. I tried to bring it up on the odd occasion but he didnt want to talk about it and would often say that he thought things were fine. This went on for about 18 months until it got to the point where I felt so awful I lost all feelings for him, yes he was a safe option - we would have had a nice future together and I'm sure we would have had a comfortable marriage etc, but I want more than that - even when I get married I still want a bit of passion and sex a couple of times a week! So I broke up with him, because I couldnt face a future of feeling unsexy and unwanted, with no sex and no way of resolving the situation because he wouldnt talk about it.
Dont allow your situation to get as bad as mine did - talk to him now and force him to discuss it. He might feel uncomfortable, but if you make him understand that this could lead to the end of the relationship then he might wake up and do something about it. My ex said to me after I had ended it he wished I had stressed the severity of the situation to him as he didnt realise it was so bad for me - but by that point it was too late for me and my feelings for him had gone.
You alone cant reignite the spark, he has to be willing too. So talk to him, tell him exactly how you feel and what you want to happen. Make it clear what needs to change so you can work together to make it happen, dont just moan at him saying 'this is rubbish, I dont like this, that is wrong...' - be constructive and rather than complaining you need to highlight what isnt working and how you would like it to be in the future.
Dont plan for the future with this guy if you are not having sex and you are unhappy - if you are unhappy now that is only going to be 10 times worse if you are married. Sex is a major part of a relationship and if you are not compatible sexually, and he is not willing to work on it, then he is not the man for you, simple as that. Love isnt enough to be happy, and it certianly isnt enough to base a marriage on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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