A
female
age
41-50,
*ickii01
writes:My husband and I have been married for 2 years. We normally get along great and hardly argue at all, however when we do things always get blown way out of proportion.Recently I have been feeling that he has negleted me and am starting to feel like a boarder and not his partner. We both do shift work so on my days off I help out by cleaning the house, doing the washing and always making sure dinner is on the table. The problem I found is that on his days off he lies on the couch, does no chores around the house, only does his own washing and basically only does things to help himself. He even forgot to wish me happy easter and no longer tells me when he is and isn't working anymore so we can't plan anything.Obviously I got angry and upset but instead of saying something there and then, I just went quiet and only responded when he asked me a question - the silent treatment. He knew I was angry but never said anything. This went on for over a week until he asked me what was wrong. When I told him how I felt, he somehow turned things around and blamed me and then laughed at me and said I was being stupid. For some reason, everytime we argue he always turns everything around and blames me, says we should just split and makes me feel bad and expects me to say sorry - this is why I just went quiet this time.Two weeks have gone by now and we still aren't talking. I do feel he has changed lately because of his job (he became a prison officer at a womens prison in the last year) because he makes comments such as "I deal with women all day long" and never listens to me anymore. He is also drinking a lot more (he hardly drank before). I also work in a very stressful job dealing with people's lives but I never bring it home. I don't know how to resolve this. I am very stubborn which doesn't help because for me to sit down rationally and talk calmly would be very hard for me to do. All I want is for him to say he is sorry, that he will try in future, make me feel I am important to him and that he loves me....nothing else.Help????? What do I say to fix this? I hate confrontation and I find it hard to express myself (and the silent treatment is not a winner!) but I hate always being blamed for everything. I know we both love each other very much but our communication sucks!!HELP!!! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (13 May 2011):
 It sounds like you both have communication issues and it also sort of sounds like you are both pretty set in your ways. Marriage is a two-way street and hopefully there is some sort of compromising in your life.
Does your husband have a drinking problem -- alcohol can exacerbate marital issues, especially when it is used as a coping mechanism? Has he always been hard to talk to or have you gotten by so far because you just happened to get along?
At this point, I think your best mode of communication would be to write your husband a letter and explain the pain you feel, the love you feel for him, etc. Explain to him that you want to be close and have things the way they are and you are willing to work through the issues. Also state how he has hurt you and how important it is for you to be together.
Eventually, you may need to enlist the help of a marriage counselor to help you communicate better. It sounds like both of you want to be right and hopefully you learn to truly listen to each other and hear what the other person is saying, what the other person needs, and work from there.
Good luck with everything.
A
female
reader, Nickii01 +, writes (11 May 2011):
Nickii01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response Trinklett. I did try to talk to him last night but it was 5 mins before I had to go to work and he had been drinking so it was probably a bad time, but he had ignored me all day so I'd had enough. I am at work at the moment reading this (nightshift) and to be honest, I am hesitant about going home because I don't know how he is going to react to what I said before walking out the door. I expressed again that I was hurt he laughed and dismissed by feelings and all I want is for him to realise I felt negleted and that he doesn't care. He tried to turn it around again but I stopped him and said "don't you realise you may have changed lately? Look at how much you drink now". I guess he can go either way on this - he gives up so easily that I wouldn't be suprised if he said he is leaving because its too hard, or alternatively he may have had a think and apologise afterall. I guess I will find out. The smallest argument gets blown so out of proportion every time which is why I hate getting into arguments in the first place. I am his first girlfriend ever and we have been together 6 years and communication has always been a big problem. It would be good to know how to solve things when you get soooo angry and steam is coming out of your ears though.Thanks heaps for your help. Any advice at this point would be good because I don't want to ever get divorced - we took vows that are suppose to be forever, not when it gets too hard.....
...............................
A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 Two weeks is a long time to not to be talking to each other. It's great to hear that you both love each other because that means you can actually communicate. Look out for a time when a time when he is relaxed and tell him you would like to talk to him. Tell him you don't like to be blamed all the time also tell him what things you would want him to help with around the house and other things you have on your mind. If you feel words could elude you at the time, write your points down so you don't forget. Every marriage needs a lot of work and effort. All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Trinklett +, writes (11 May 2011):
It's great to hear you both love each other, because that means you two CAN actually communicate. Two weeks is a really longtime and one of you really needs to say something. Look for a time he is relaxed and start by telling him you want to talk to him. Tell him you don't like to be blamed always and it would help if he helped with a few things like ... You can list some for him. Talk with him calmly and nicely. Communication is very important in any relationship. Learn to talk and if possibly write down your points so you don't forget any vital information. All the best.
...............................
|
