A
male
age
41-50,
*ordanP
writes:Hi,I've been with my boyfriend for almost ten years. We are a gay couple, but things aren't all rosey I'm afraid.Our sex life has completely broken down for no apparent Reason. I've asked on regular occasions why, but he is older than me by 13 years (I'm 31) and he says it's just his age! We've not had sex, been intimate, kissed, cuddled for years. The reason I'm with him is because we're the best of friends really and that's what it feels like, two friends sharing a house together.I have thought about leaving - in fact every time we argue, I'm looking straight on the internet for places to rent but the only thing that is stopping me is my dog, who is my baby.My job allows me to lead two separate lives. I'm a long haul flight attendant, so when I'm away, I can enjoy myself and have fun and intimacy with other guys. It fulfils my needs, and I think that keeps me going as I feel like I'm still young but I can't go on like this, it's unfair to me and my partner. And if I did leave and start again I can't take my dog with me because of my job and that would devastate me!We are arguing a lot more nowadays over stupid things, and I feel like I'm wasting my years, when I could be with someone who could be the perfect person, and give me both friendship and a healthy sex life. I don't want to continue to have to cheat, it's impacting my self worth in a way.Any advice would be great!Jordan
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 I would strongly encourage you to find a way out.
cheating is never good
being miserable is never good
and to be honest losing your sex drive at 40 something is never good.
for my 40 yr old husband he lost his drive when he moved and gained weight... it makes my 54 year old self very sad and it impacts on my feeling loved and wanted... (yes I am loved and wanted his sex drive is not my fault)
there are lots of ways to work it with the dog
you keep the dog when you are home
ex will have visitation when you travel
or you find a dog sitter or a lovely dog spa or kennel...
lots of options... stop using the dog to avoid the hard work of ending a relationship that is not working for you.
A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (20 May 2014):
 Hi,
Thanks for the question. I'm not sure that sticking in a relationship because of a dog is the right thing to do. It would devastate you having to leave the dog, but your current life is devastating you also.
I would suggest, trialing a separation and seeing if your partner could take the dog for a while and see how it goes.
I don't believe for a second that the reason your partner doesn't want sex is his age. I have healthy couples in their 80's who still get up to the dirty maybe once a month. I think something broke down a while ago and your partner now sees you as nothing but a room mate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2014): Hey Jordan!
Well, I'm in a relationship with an older man too, I'm 20 and he's 40. *WOW* ;)
He is very cuddly at times I'm usually telling him to get off because I get too hot. We have been dating since I was 18, having known each other two years prior. At first I was the cuddly, kissy one, and I made it known how much I hated how not affectionate he was, and now it's me lol. Anyway... I don't believe that age difference is an issue. The relationship and he is. You guys could be 2, 30 years apart and this would still be the issue. He's using it as an excuse, maybe he isn't happy but is afraid of being alone.
OP, I think you should confront him or break up with him now. You should never ever have to escape your relationship with someone. You either fix it or let go. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE (YOLO ISN'T JUST FOR MEMES)! Don't force yourself to live half a life! I've been through that with my current boyfriend and forced myself to stop by just being upfront and telling him I was really unhappy. For the first time in years I saw him cry...
Please don't cheat on him. If you're that unhappy, just go. You said that you two are best friends? Maybe you can stay with him until you find a place, let him know that you want to be independent. If you two are destined to be together, you will be. Even if you move to the other side of the world.
I think you should look for another job that allows you to be home more often. You can't give up your dog, I know I could never give up my husky baby! Or at least give it up until you have someone to watch your dog.
I think that even of you break up with your boyfriend, that double life isn't going away. Even if you're with the man of your dreams, you will always be tempted to have a fling with some random guy you'll never see again; especially when the going gets rough in the relationship.
Here's a suggestion;
Give yourself a time frame, like three months. Do everything in your power to amend things; dates, heart to heart talks, hell... storm out and see if he comes after you! I have done that before, it really drew out the bad blood that needed to come out. TELL him you look for places to live after a fight. Make sure he knows just how serious it is.
Make a solid plan for if you decide to leave, and stick to it. You're going to need support and a lot of Ben and Jerry's, even though it is a new beginning.
I hope this helps D:
One love!
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