A
female
age
36-40,
*rina_Sky
writes:2 weeks ago I found out that my significant other had several profiles made on those seedy sex websites you click on by accident while watching porn. I stumbled upon it really not wanting to find it. His youtube channels username is some how linked to these profiles through google.He had lame headlines like "looking for a cool woman to hang out with". What kind of headline is that for a website looking for hookups and sex? He was on BDSM, Adult Friend Finder, Fling, TG girls, and Swinger websites, posting his picture even in boxer shorts showing his bulge.. I was disgusted by him. Granted, these profiles are all about a year old and probably around the time he finalized his divorce, I don't know, I guess he must of been really lonely and/or sexually frustrated but it still bothered me.I've been dating him for 6 months and things have been going slow. We have sex and the sex is AMAZING. But he is a divorcee, older than me, and has a kid so I knew he came with baggage and I was willing to endure it all. We barely got to that point where we expressed our feelings of love for each other.. but this just messed things up.I confronted him about it and he admitted it all but didn't expand on it and it angered me to the point that I said goodbye and deleted him off my FB, etc.. we didn't speak for days then I messaged him and he got insanely mad stating I had no right to look up his things and it was none of my business and made cynical rude comments about me spying on him and probably background checking all his friends. Which is ridiculous and untrue! He apologized to me about a day later. Then 4 days went by without talking because I decided to do the no contact rule and he messaged me that he still loved me and I broke down and told him I loved him too and we talked briefly about his new job. After that again.. he didn't text me for about a day or so.I texted him that I missed him and he said he missed me too. Then I told him that we needed to talk and what did he want to do to to rekindle things, etc... and he would not respond. It wasn't until I got angry about how I'm putting in effort but he isn't putting in any that he texted back how busy he was helping his parents out with landscaping and building a new fence on their acres for a party they were having for a pregnant relative.I didn't respond to that text and it's already been two days that he hasn't bothered communicating with me. I miss him... and it hurts me that things just ended this way. I'm having a hard time processing the sudden break up and at times it is so hard to avoid contacting him even though I think he is starting to move on. What are ways that I can cope? Help?
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female
reader, Irina_Sky +, writes (23 May 2014):
Irina_Sky is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you, youwish. You were the only one that read what I wrote well and was objective. Indeed the sites he has up are all old and prior to meeting me. He has been silly not to delete them and to this day they are still up but inactive. Who knows, maybe he doesn't remember the passwords? It looks bad because indeed it is public domain on google! I would have never gone through his things.. he has left his phone etc around me many times and I never went through it. I do feel like I might have blown things out of proportion in just dumping him but I feel as if I had the right to know his fetishisms and what turns him on being that I was his partner and I had been open to him about mine. He had ample opportunities to discuss this with me then I wouldn't have been so surprised to stumble upon and learn about as he says his "deep fantasies"? Including Trans females? Nonetheless, it's been almost 6 days since we last spoke to each other and it's hard not to tell him.. well.. maybe I didn't approach this right. I miss you more than I thought. But I decided that I did what I did.. what happened happened and so be it. Perhaps he can find himself a suitable Transgender female to date.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 May 2014):
 Actually, I don't think he betrayed you. I read through your post twice to make sure I didn't miss anything. All of his internet sex activity took place before you two were together. It sucks that the internet is forever, but he wasn't on these sites while you were with him, and you went digging after noticing a correlation on his Youtube profile.
So you "confronted" him about stuff that happened before your time. He didn't have to elaborate things with you, because it didn't have anything to do with you, apart from he should have cleaned house and closed his profiles had you asked. He didn't wrong you for having done these thing before he started dating you. It gross and doesn't show good judgment, but none of it was against you.
However, your reaction was to get pissed and torch the relationship. I'm not surprised that he reacted with anger when you contacted him again. You blew up over what you saw and punished him for not getting more into detail about it with you. I do *not* agree that you didn't have to right to look up these things upon seeing that his youtube site tied into them. In fact, it's a smart woman who would do research on potential mates on the internet, and everything you saw was public domain.
It *would* have been snooping and wrong if you broke into his private emails or private messages or broke into his cell phone to read private stuff, and you would have been in the wrong big time for that.
You say it hurts, but you were the one that did the ending. Your emotions overrode your reason on this one. Now, if his participating in sites deemed him to be incompatible with his views on sexuality and the internet, and you had decided that it was a dealbreaker for you, then that's okay. But don't go waffling back and forth if you've made a decision like that.
This guy didn't betray you. You asked him about the sites, and he responded. I agree that the sites are slimy, but before the internet, it would have been trolling the bar or club scene looking for one night stands, so which is slimier? It's just more "in-your-face" when it's on the internet and tends to be around a long time after the alcohol wears off.
I don't think he's incapable of having a relationship. I think he was an idiot for keeping his tracks open to that degree, and I think he trolled the dregs of sexual stuff to salve his ego after his divorce.
I think you need to decide what you're going to do. Playing yo-yo with him isn't fair to him, contacting, then breaking up, then contacting, then going no-contact, then wavering, then bullying him about "not putting in effort" makes you a bit schizophrenic-sounding.
If his past internet sex activities is something you can't live with, then leave the guy alone once and for all and move on. However, the sudden break up is all you 100%. I disagree that you shouldn't have looked his public info up and you had the right to do so, but his reaction to your treatment of him was justified, and I would have been angry too if someone I dated took me to task on my former life before him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2014): You don't value yourself enough. Why is that?
Run for the hills, this guy is damaged and dangerous. He is selfish and incapable of having a faithful relationship.
You are doing the typical female thing, hoping you can change him, help him see the light etc etc. Many fine women have tried that, no idea why they waste the time. It goes not work. You get what you get, the person you see is what they always will be.
Imagine you are married with his kid. He goes on business trips. Know where he will be? At a whore house! You would never know what he is doing. You would cling on, slowly going mad. The end result would be the same; relationship over. But you would have wasted years and totally lost your trust in men. It would be hard after that to settle down again.
That is why his type should not have girlfriends and must be avoided. They ought to stay single and do their sex business away from people they could hurt.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 May 2014):
 Look back on the 6 months with him and tell me what is the HARDEST thing for you to "get over"?
The fact that you had no idea that he was on all these slimy websites asking for sex partner?
The fact that he DIDN'T tell you, hey those were old and I didn't think to delete them?
That fact that he is pretending like this is ALL your fault?
The fact that you HAD to BULLY him into a response?
OR are you mad at yourself, that only 2 days after finding out he are on these websites YOU are already looking to SUCK it up so you can be with him?
Have you considered there is a GOOD reason he is divorced?
What is a good way to move on? By accepting HE wasn't it. That you have some BOUNDARIES and some DEAL BREAKERS and that is OK, as long as you STICK to them. Because they are NOT unreasonable.
Remove him 100% from your life. That means no more Facebook, BLOCK/DELETE/UNFRIEND, no more texting/calling BLOCK his number.
And TRY to STOP focusing on HOW you LOVE him, if only he would change. Because HE won't change.
I would advice that WHEN you in a while start dating again AVOID the more "complicated" men. You shouldn't have to "ENDURE" a guys baggage. You accept LIVE with it or you choose NOT to be with a guy who lugs around that much stuff.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 Hi, sorry you are going through this but you are wasting your time trying to rekindle with a person that betrayed you. He shows no remorse and only upset that he got caught. No quick magic to make the pain go away. You need to start the no contact rule, you will start healing. We have all been where you are and yes we also give into our weakness and want to contact the person and fight to make things work. Is it really worth it? He is not making any effort, just you and why because you are alone that is hurting. Remember if he loved you he would not have hurt you and if he really regretted his actions he would be begging you for forgiveness and pleading you take him back. None of this is happening and you are wasting your time. Every time you call him, you are setting yourself back and feeling worst. Were you feeling better after you sent the message and he ignored it for a couple of days? He is not worth your tears and pain. I promise with time it gets better but you need to be prepared to let go and start healing.
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