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female
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*yzonu
writes: Can a man (after 3 and half yrs) love you, want to live rest of his life with you (as he does) but not necessarily want too much sex? If you love someone, doesnt sex and intimacy follow? We can cuddle in bed. Not too much out of bed tho. Not much kissing. No spontaneous sex. Always an excuse (busy busy busy) says hes ok with it, no problem to him, he loves me. But theres a prob. with me. He used to have more sex in previous relationship. from me he gets, trust, intelligent convo., respect, no silly stuff, etc. Most of which he didnt have before. So , its like, hes got a whole new relationship with me. But, no intimacy, sex. We can not be in same bed for weeks, and sometimes, there's no sex when we eventually do get together. Does it mean he just doesnt desire me? He says he does. Insinuates all the time. But, thats it ! Should I plan this future together with him?Any clues?
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female
reader, eyzonu +, writes (4 November 2006):
eyzonu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI like your answers so far. hes 47, Im 52. all good points. I know Ill have to persuade him to come to couonselling, hes reluctant. And I know I could be doing the wrong thing. I think that his past it was a lot of deceipt and maybe more sex than other good stuff. SOme infidelity etc. He knows Im not like that. Strange isnt it
A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (4 November 2006):
 His sex drive could have lowered as he got older.
He might see you as something special, not just another sex toy as previous girlfriends, and not know how to deal with it.
He might think your too special to do the things he did with other girls with you but doesn't have any other ideas.
There might be many reasons and he might not be willing to share, without professional help.
You can do something before throwing in the towel. Test that libido of his. You take action girl!
Sometime when he is out of the house. Cut out foot prints that lead all over and then to a new sex location (other then the bedroom) with you in something naughty. You can even write little naughty things on the footprints to read as he hunts for you.
Get creative take control of the situation. Get some books with lots of naughty suggestions to try out.
If you still don't get a rise out of him then you can consider the low libido thing, dump it on a counselors couch and question if you want to live with it the rest of your life.
Good luck!
and Happy Hunting!
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A
female
reader, LISAG +, writes (4 November 2006):
 I have read and believe it that having a healthy sex life is a direct indicator of how healthy the relationship is. And yet, as time goes on in a relationship the sex usually diminished somewhat, pressures from work etc, children & all the day to day living demands means we all have to work at keeping the spark alive. I would be a little worried myself if after 3 or so years the sex has boiled down to virtually non existent? Men can still love and want to be with you without having to have sex with you all the time I'm sure. You say "busy busy busy" I take it these are his words ? And "not in bed together for weeks" suggests work commitments maybe? I don't know but you'd think he'd be dying for it if he hadn't seen you for weeks wouldn't you ? I wouldn't worry so much about not cuddling/kissing alot out of the bedroom, I think that's usual for a lot of men once they're settled with someone (but not all men, depends how naturally affectionate they are). Why do you mention "he used to have more sex with his previous" ? Does he mention this now ? Sometimes people are mis-matched in terms of sexual preferences/drives. Have you tried talking to him about the problem ? I could give more advice if I knew more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2006): Whether or not you plan a future with this man depends solely on whether you, yourself, can live without too much physical intimacy. In other words...a sexless relationship. It seems it may be headed this way for you. It does sounds like you have the solid base of a strong relationship, in all other aspects. Trust, respect, love. But, if you want sex or a more physically intimate relationship with this man and he doesn't...then this ain't working and the relationship won't fly, over time. You will get frustrated, angry and bitter. It means you both have far differing expectations and values about what entails a happy union.
What can you do about this? You can talk to him..let him know what you want. But he has to help himnself if he's inclined to. Possibly counselling might help, a visit to his doctor to rule out medical issues that could cause this would be a good start, as well. But if he still doesn't respond to you the way you want him to, you will end up a very unhappy woman. I hope before it gets to that, you will have the foresight to realize you can't fix his problem, so don't try...move on, or be prepared to feel like you feel right now (always wondering and having self-doubts) for the remainder of this relationship.
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