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female
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anonymous
writes: my boyfriend of four years wants to "take a break"..he says that he feels like he his holding me back from something in life and he just doesent want a relationship right now....he still says he loves me but he says not as much as he used to.....im devastated and i dont understand what is going on...we have the same group of friends so i cant hang out with any of my friends without making him feel "smothered"....im so confused i just dont know what to do, how can i make our relationship more interesting to where he wants to be there with me??dazed and confused-Jennifer
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2007): Well to be honest me and my boyfriend are going through the same thing in reverse. I want a break and he is totally happy with our relationship...its a crappy situation and from my experience it's just space. My boyfriend is completely content with hanging out with me all the time and not doing things with other people. I'm not like that at all...no only do I need time with other people but I need time to myself and maybe thats what your boyfriend is feeling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2006): I don't know your ages, but 4 years seems like a long time to date before a marriage committment, I think if this guy is not there yet, you may want to decide to let him go and move on, he obviously is not interested in marriage.
I sympathize with your feelings, I am sure that you are feeling all sorts of things, like abandonment, fear and hurt...I would take that break, which means that you should take this time to date some other men, even if you don't really feel like it, it would be good for you and help re-set your heart so to speak.
As for your mutual friends, I would not worry so much about how you are making him feel, continue to hang out with them if you want to do so, and just give him his space by not acting all clingy around him....and you may want to start cultivating your own relationships with friends that do not include him, important for your mental health I say.
What can you do about improving your relationship? First I would ask him to tell you specifically what it is that he thinks needs changing, if it is something about you and you think you need to change it and want to, then work on that, but don't let him make you feel bad about being you...but if it is certain behaviors like possesiveness or argumentativeness, you could work to improve that couldn't you? (for example) Secondly, I would just become a little less available and get busy doing other things, so that he will realize that he does not have you wrapped around his finger, and perhaps he will stop taking you for granted.
You might tell him how you feel about the break and give him a time limit that you will wait for him, and if he exceeds it, you will have to move on...or talk about ending the relationship...and see what he says to you about that....You can't really pressure someone or convince him to feel differently, if you do that it will just drive him away further.
Mostly, I would ask yourself is 4 years long enough to be dating before marriage...do you want to spend your youth or your life waiting on THIS man?
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