A
male
age
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*ornin2
writes:Hi All,New to the site. I have a problem. Basically I love my wife very very much we have been married about 5 years and it is my second marriage. Everything was great until xmas. My first wife threw my eldest son out [aged 14] and I agreed he could come and live with us, myself and my second wife (I must admit without consulting her as I knew what she would say). She has two children living with us from her first marriage, two have already left home and are grown up but come back regularly to see her for Sunday Roast etc. Trouble is my son and my second wife hate each other and just can’t live under the same roof, we had constant rows about the situation. They have hated each other for yeras. My second wife and I have now separated over this issue 3 weeks ago. Basically she is saying its him or me and that when he’s 16 in 2008 he must leave or we have no future together. Trouble is as his dad I obviously love him and want to stand by him. I love my wife and I just don’t know what to do about situation. Need some objective advice.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (23 August 2007):
 It sounds like you have the situation,albeit not ideal, under control. Your son is lucky to have such a great Dad. You won't regret this time you are spending on raising him. I hope his relationship with his step-mom improves so you guys can be together and it just might with time.
A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (21 August 2007):
 I think that you should express to your wife how much you want to work things out with her. Maybe you, your son, and his step-mom should attend counseling together. Maybe he will lighten up on her when he sees that she is making an effort to help him, and keep the family together. I think that this child maybe intentionally trying to sabotage the marriages of you and his mother. Do not let him succeed. Win back your wife, communicate with her, include her. She may be his step-mother but she is not an outsider.
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A
male
reader, tornin2 +, writes (21 August 2007):
tornin2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi - Thanks for the input. from both some useful points have been raised. My second wife and I are still seeing each other some evenings and are on very good terms. Like I said I love her dearly and want to grow old together, and she says feels the same. I have no reason to doubt what she says. But the difficulty, and I understand that children grow up - is that I want to influence my son's growing up and help shape him into a decent human being. He was thrown out by his mother because they could not get along. Basically he has been abusive at school to teachers and he has been in trouble with the police once, but has kept his nose clean since living with me. She[his Mother] threw him out new years eve, 2 weeks after she remarried. As I'm typing here it seems that my son has a problem and needs assistance and help. I know he drinks, at least once a week, I know he doesn't do any drugs. He's honest with me and we have a good father/son relationship. His mother and I, just cannot get along. I attended counceling with my son for anger management for him but the councelor could not get his mum to attend with or without me present. She said she couldn't cope with him anymore. Anymore advice would be appreciated about what to do.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (20 August 2007):
 Knowing your second wife didn't get on with your son and then agreeing he could come and live with you must have been an enormous slap in the face for her.
There seems to be no talking going on here, your son is at an age where he knows what buttons to push with your wife and she reacts naturally.
Have you ever thought of getting some counselling to try and work out this problem, I understand the fact that you want to be there for your son but he cannot dictate to you who should be in your life and when he is about 18 he will be doing his own thing and by then your life is in tatters and he will go along on his merry way which is what kids his age at (18) do.
Maybe counselling with your wife initially to discuss the problems so that you are on the same page when it comes to disciplining your son and trying to work things out. Him or me is a hard decision for anyone to make and as he is your son I understand why you would choose him as he is still a child in all intents and purposes.
Did you ever discuss with your first wife why she threw your eldest son out and the whole reasons behind it as he seems to be following a pattern here. Don't be the soft touch dad either, it must have been something quite drastic for a mother to chuck her son out, did she know he as going to come a live with you or was it to get you back to ruin your second marriage? Was there an ulterior motive, like she couldn't cope and then thought well your dad can have you now and his new wife that will teach em.
Step children are always a classic problem with new partners and so I would say try to talk to your wife over a coffee and tell her how much you want to work things out with her and being a couple who do make joint decisions.
Does your son have an addictive personality, is he drinking or taking any substances to your knowledge or is it just teenage tantrums?
Perhaps a type of boot camp could enforce a discipline in him as he is hellbent on disrupting not only your previous wife's life but yours as well. It is something like an attention seeking syndrome or something similar I guess.
Does your other children have an easier time of it than him, has your break up with his mother changed the type of personality he has, has it ever been addressed professionally.
I guess I am just trying to find reasons behind his behaviour so please forgive me if I seem nosey but just trying to help if I can.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 August 2007):
I am truly sorry this has happened. There really is no clear solution. It is of course your duty to do right by your son. I guess unless your wife decides she misses you too much to live apart then you will just have to wait until your son is old enough to live on his own. Children do grow up so it's just a matter of time. Let your wife know how you feel. Keep us posted on how you're doing.
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