A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend never wants to discuss issues or problems which results in me feeling worse than I already did and the problem still there. I just feel like I’m being silenced because whenever I start to talk about things that annoy me or that I suggest he does to help etc then he either ignores me or gets really angry and punches walls. We have so many holes in walls because he can’t control his anger and refuses to get help for it. I keep asking him to get it under control but he refuses to, he’s a very introverted person and won’t even go to the doctors. I really want him to try because we have a 2 year old together and I’ve already noticed him getting frustrated over certain things which I think he’s picking up from his dad. I don’t want my son to be an angry and violent person. Recently I just feel like none of our hearts are in the relationship and we’re both just ‘settled’ and not really, truly happy. But if I try and have a conversation he will give me short replies, too busy on his phone, etc he just doesn’t want to do anything about it. What should I do? I don’t know how else to approach him and the situation. Thanks in advance :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): As someone who was once the child in a similar relationship I urge you to leave!
It starts with the walls. Then he pushes you once but he's sorry, you drove him to it, he'll change. Maybe he buys you flowers or sleeps on the sofa for a week. It gets worse, everything gradually becomes normalised. The gaps between incidents lessen as does the level of 'apology' offered.
Your child thinks that level of aggression to mum is normal and begins to lash out at home and at school. He may be abused himself. Please take your child and go now
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2021): He won’t change one day just like that. He needs to work on it. Why would he? That is his only way to deal with things and you let him there are zero consequences.
You need to understand that your son is suffering and that you must protect him. You obviously have issues otherwise you wouldn’t have put up with this. But you don’t have time to work things out first. You need to create a safe environment for your son and yourself.
My husband has occasional outburst of yelling and can be irrational when stressed but over the years he worked on it. He suffers from social anxiety, depression and ADHD. These are not excuses. These are diagnosis and he needs to treat them. Whatever your partner has does not give him the right to torture you and your son. Please understand that his behavior is dangerous even if you do not think of him as a bad or a dangerous person.
I don’t know how independant you are or how strong a network you have. Ideally you are financially and otherwise independent and you can leave right now. If it is not the case you need to become self reliant however you can and get out. Ask friends for help. Ask your family. Star5 over.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2021): You and your son are in continuous danger. You need to get out as soon as possible, and have a plan for dealing with his violent reaction to your leaving.
Contact RAIIN at http://online.rainn.org/ or 800.656.4673 -- they can help you plan.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2021): I'm not going to write my usual long response. I'll just say this. The longer you hold-on to your angry aggressive boyfriend, the more of an influence he'll have on your son's behavior. Your son is going to be just like him someday. Look what he has for a role-model; because you're doing everything you can to keep a guy who doesn't want to change! Not even for the sake of his own son! The boy will start having tantrums, he'll become unruly, irritable; and he might even become a bully. They usually have dad's just like your boyfriend.
He only hits the wall to keep from hitting YOU!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2021): This kind of behaviour is often blamed on anger. It has nothing to do with anger. He isn't angry. He is controlling you, by PRETENDING to be angry, in order to shut you up. That is why he will not go for help with his 'anger', because he knows and I know, that this behaviour is not about anger. As I said, he ain't angry. Him punching inanimate objects around you, when you are trying to get him to change his ways or listen to you or whatever, is him giving you a non-verbal message. It says, 'Keep on talking about issues and problems I don't want to talk about and I won't be hitting a wall next. It will be YOU.'
It is a non-verbal threat. To shut you up and it has worked. You said you feel like you're being silenced. You are 100% correct.
What your boyfriend is doing, is using an abusive tactic. To control you. To stop you having any say over his behaviour, or to make you realise that he doesn't CARE what you think or feel. He just wants to train you to be quiet. To not ask anything of him that he doesn't want to do. You are with an abusive man who shows you regularly, that violence is his answer to debates. Take his warning. Take my warning. It will not be long before it is you he is hitting. Or your son.
Please read about abuse and educate yourself about what is happening here.
The best book written about abuse in my opinion, is by Professor Lundy Bancroft and it's called 'Why Does He Do That?'
It will explain your boyfriend's behaviour to you and most likely other behaviours he exhibits that you have chosen not to mention here. I doubt it stops with punching walls. Do not let him see you read this book. He won't like that you're onto him.
I was with a man who punched walls, threw and smashed things at walls next to my head, pretended he was going to smash a chair over me as I lay trying to protect myself on a bed, turning away at the last second and smashing it on the floor instead. He choked me and threatened my life on a number of occasions. He never hit me or left a mark on me, except psychologically of course. He bullied me, threatened me and scared me and I did not dare to answer him back. Just like you are being bullied now and are becoming afraid. I was scared to leave because I knew he would come and find me. I had to choose my moment and my opportunity.
After you have read the book (or before, hopefully) you may decide that this lifestyle is not for you. Please read the section in the book about how to leave safely, before you do.
Don't take anything I've said here lightly, or with a pinch of salt. I mean every word. You and your son are in danger. Maybe not now, or tomorrow, but he will eventually turn his violence towards you or your son, especially if you keep trying to persuade him to get help. He doesn't want 'help'. He KNOWS what he is doing is wrong and is quite content to big fat do it anyway. He chooses this kind of behaviour to buy your silence and your acquiescence.
I hope you have family you can confide in and who will help you. You have to get away from him, no matter how charming and wonderful he was in the beginning. What you are now witnessing and experiencing is the real man. I wish you love and luck. Sending you hugs. Come back if you want to talk.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 August 2021):
 Surely your boyfriend's behaviour must have been evident before you had your son? Why did you go ahead and have a child with this man?
There appears to be a communication problem between you, as well as your boyfriend's anger issues. If he will not - or cannot - talk about issues with you, then there is no hope.
Your son is already picking up his father's behaviour. Children are like little sponges and just soak up everything they see and hear. He watches his father lose his rag and punch walls and that is what he will consider to be "normal" and "acceptable" behaviour. You can't steer him towards making better choices if his father sets such a bad example. You have already said you don't want your son to grow up like that. I would also assume you don't want him to treat his future girlfriends/wife like you are being treated, but that is what will happen if he sees this behaviour as "the norm".
If not for your own sake, then for your son's sake you need to get away from this man. He is not good for you, he is most certainly not good for your son. You don't write in your post that you love him, so I assume that means you don't. None of your are happy - and that includes your little son.
You don't need your boyfriend's permission to leave. Just get somewhere sorted for you and your son to go, pack your things and leave. If you think you may be in danger when leaving, get your son to safety and either take your things when he is at work (assuming he works) or get help from friends/family members so that you don't put yourself at risk.
You are not currently living a life. You are existing. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 August 2021):
 You need to leave.
At some point, he won't settle for punching a wall. You might think this is OK, but it really is NOT.
Your son is NOt benefitting from being around a man (who is his MALE behavior role model at the moment) - he will pick up more and more of his father's aggressive behavior. He will TREAT others (women especially) the same way he sees his dad treat you.
You need to get out. Or kick him out.
If you want the relationship to work he NEEDS an ultimatum that if he doesn't get help and learns to control himself, you will no longer be with him and he will not see his son unsupervised.
You need to protect not only yourself but your son.
Also, neither of you really seem to WANT to be in this relationship, so why stay?
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