A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Where did my wife go?You could say my life is very typical, to an extreme! Before we got married, my wife did everything, unprovoked. I NEVER pushed sex on her at all. She went down on me in the back of a cab once, I never even asked or flirted about it, totally unexpected.Then we got married and things like that went away. We had sex 3-4 times a week before, then it went to once every other week or so.Then she got pregnant (I know I'll get hammered for saying it that way, if I say we got pregnant some will respons SHE got pregnant, you didn't; if I say SHE got pregnanant some will say she did it all alone immacualately? No win argument there.) Point is I was heavily involved in the pregnancy, I even printed out cheat cards for Lamaze and attended EVERY meeting and even the reunion too. I have been a very hands on father. BTW, the sex was great during pregnancy.But as soon as the baby was born that was long gone. My daughter is now approaching 5 years in age and my wife's sex drive is MIA.It has gotten to the point that we probably average 1 time every TWO MONTHS!!! This summer we went basically the entire summer without sex! I've never been the one to put a quota on something like sex as I believe in being spontaneous and letting it happen, but it just doesn't.I try, I take her to dinner, I give her romantic gifts, I am the best dad in the world (really I am, I spend more time with our daughter than she does, not that it's a contest or anything, just highly involved and not that I am using that against her, but you'd think a perk of being so committed would be more sex, you want the keys to a woman's heart take good care of her kids, right?)I am just getting to the point that I watch friends be total jerks and get laid all the time, really starts to make me think that nice guys finish last. Maybe the bad boy is what she really wants.Also, I hate this thought, but at what point of sexual starvation can one stray? Is it really fair to keep me trapped in this cell knowing full well the hormones are rolling, but not giving a damn? Especially when it was false advertisement? I didn't get married for the sex, but don't go to the other extreme on me. I can hadle the 1 in two weeks deal, but going 5, 6, 7+ weeks at a time is killing me, really it is.What should I do? I have told her that I want more sex, or at least to try. I told her I don't want to put a number on it, but this frequency is ridiculous for two people at our age.She wants another child, but to be honest, I don't. If life is too stressful now that your sexlife is gone, then why add more? Maybe I should just get the bullets taken out and not let her know and tell her let's start trying?I don't want to be a jerk here, but in a relationship we sacrifice for each other at times. Turn it around, if a husband were neg;ecting a wife, would it be acceptible for her to be saddened?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): I didn't mean it like my reward for being a father is sex, not at all. More that being involved theoretically lead to a stronger relationship, which in turn (theoretically of course) would lead to increased sex. When things are smooth, sex should as well, right? Not always.
I understand not having a sex drive right away, but my daughter is 5 years old now, don't you think it is a bit obsurd at this point?
As far as doing things for her to entice It...I've tried that, really I have. I've catered to every desire, every possible need, I've put my heart and sould into her hoping to strengthen our relationship. Not with the sole intention of sexual benefits, but if we are strong as a couple, happy, romantic, etc. then the sex would be a side effect for lack of better term.
A woman could turn it around the other way, don't they have legit complaints when they are with men who aren't romantic, aren't caring, etc. but just for sex? I feel like I am giving and giving and never receiving. I am not greedy, but after awhile you do start to question what is in it for you.
Our relationship otherwise is solid. We just seem like best friends at times. When we do have sex, it is ground shaking I must admit, and sometimes she orgasms real quickly, which I know leaves her unsatisfied. But see it's a no win situation, when we don't have sex so often she becomes more sensitive and her orgasms come quick and she is done. So she isn't into sex because she doesn't get the long lasting enjoyment, BUT even though the solution is not waiting 1.5 months to have sex, I just can't get her in the mood to have sex more often, so we are back to square one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): I completly agree with Faraday sex should be something you want and share together. However I can also understand not having a sex drive. I just had a baby a few weeks ago, except my sec drive plummetted while I was pregnant. We went from have sex multiple times in a day to maybe 1 - 4 times a week, and sometimes we'd go a week with no sex at all. Luckily for me me, since I've had the baby my sex drive has come back full fledge, however I have heard that some women don't get their sex drive back at all after having a baby, or if they do it has decreased immensely. The most important thing in your relationship is that there is still intimacy and love. Things like wanting to hold each other and be with each other. Having her look into your eyes and kiss you passionately, or spontaneously at the very least. I would agree with the anonymous male poster to seek therapy or counseling. Instead of having sex have you tried different ways to make her want you? For instance going down on her or giving her a full on body massage with her nude and you in your undergarments, then gently and suductively carressing and touching her body. I know 4/5 year olds take a lot out of you but perhaps trying things like that may help. Another example would be maybe hiring a sitter to watch your daughter for a night and go to a nice hotel, have a trail of rose petals leading to a large jetted bubble bath with two glasses of champagne? I don't know your wife but if she's a sap for romantic sex thats the setting for it. ( Not to mention a buzz from the alcohol might help too, and I'm NOT saying get her wasted and have your way with her, so please no one take that the wrong way! lol) Good luck I really hope that helps for what its worth and if you need more ideas please just message me. I'm not logged in right now but my "name" on this site is meg2989. Best wishes to you and your wife. Oh and I almost forgot, I would NOT reccomend having another child until this issue is ressolved. And don't try to reslove it BY having another child either as I'm sure you know. Anyways good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): I know just what you mean. Pretty much as soon as my wife got pregnant the sex, romance and all the physical stuff began to go away. We were down to once ever two months and even then it seemed like she did it only because she felt guilty not to. After three years of this she announced that she wasn't happy with the marriage. Spent the next five years trying to turn things around. No luck and now divorce is the answer (no sex in the last four years). So here's what I need to say to you. Pay attention to your needs. Be understanding and patient, but if things are not happening as you need them to, then you need to spend time together with a therapist to figure out what is wrong. Something is wrong. If you wait too long to get professional help, it may be too late. Start now and think of yourself as well has her. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (2 March 2010):
 Making time for sex after a baby is born is a very common problem for women. Although it seems like she's being selfish, it's just a natural instinct of reorganizing priorities happening. That said, it's not a good thing. It can be hard, I know, to find time alone. And a child is tiring, and yes alone time typically feels better spent with a nap, but you two should sit down and discuss scheduling. I know you said you like sex to be spontaneous, but sometimes that's just not possible. I think you should try to schedule sex sessions with each other. Look at your calendars and find times (say a lunch break quickie) when no kids will be around or any other obligations. If you don't have time for that, you can always try masturbating together before bed or other sexual activities together, especially since that is satisfying and quick (who knows you may even get so turned on by each other you want the full deal). You should also have a real sit down talk about this and why it's important to you that sex remains a priority in your relationship. If she is unwilling to discuss this, you should recommend couples counseling. They can come up with some really good ideas for the two of you.
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A
male
reader, Faraday  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 Aside from not having sex, are there any other forms of intimacy? Does she kiss you spontaneously? Cuddles?
If everything has gone, to be honest it won't be long before you go looking elsewhere for your affection.
It worried me when you thought in terms of being "rewarded" for being a good father, lover, husband with sex: it should be something that you both want and share, not a bargaining counter or blackmail/power thing on her part.
If that is what it has come down to, forget having another child bacause your relationship is moribund. Possibly the no-sex is because she has got what she wanted, a child? And now you are redundant sexually.
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