A
female
age
36-40,
*haelyn
writes: Ok, when I was a senior in high school my best friend was a guy named "Jay". We were inseparable, we both kinda had a crush on each other but neither wanted to ruin the friendship that we had. All through college we stayed close friends and then a few yrs ago he moved away for job related reason and while away he met a girl and got married. We kept in touch through facebook and emails. This past summer he moved back here and we started hanging out again. As soon as I seen him all the feelings I had for him came back but I figured it was just because we hadn't seen each other in along time. we started hanging out almost daily and the feelings I had got stronger. Even though we were together all the time we never crossed the line with each other. Then at a party about a month ago we were both drinking (but far from drunk), we started flirting and before I knew it he was leading me upstairs to the bathroom. we ended up having sex. As soon as it was over we both realized what we had done was wrong and didnt speak to each for weeks. It killed me to think that I lost such a good friend and I felt horrible and dirty for sleeping with a married man. Over the weekend he came by and said that he should have never allowed thigns to go so far, but it was hard to control feelings he had for me. He said that he had always liked me in high school and he felt like this was his second chance at being with me. He said that he realized as soon as he moved back here that the feelings he had for his wife were nothing for what he had for me. He said that he needed to know I felt the same way. When I told him I did he kissed me. He said that he had told his wife everything and that he wanted to be with me. I was happy but felt horrible at the same time. This women married him and moved across the country to make him happy. We live in SMALL town, I dont want to be known as the home wrecker. But he makes me so happy. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): If you do not want to be known as a homewrecker then stop having sex with another woman's husband. If he has betrayed his wife with you what makes you think you are so special, once a cheater always a cheater. How can ytou live with your actions. This married man is not your friend : he is your lover! You are the other woman currently: I know this is hard but learn to respect boundaries and learn to respect other peoples marriage. You will get a reputation if not already.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 March 2010):
There is a major issue here that you haven't perhaps seen. He married this woman, and has cheated. That means that he can cheat on you. Think very carefully about whether you want to live with a man who was willing to cheat. Because if the chance arises, he will do it to you. As for the homewrecker thing, there will be some who say you ruined the marriage, and some who won't. That's something you have to live with, because the price of being with someone who is married is that to some people you will look very bad. But the actual issue is that this man was quick to marry, and quick to cheat when it came down to it. Think carefully, or you will be the next one he cheats on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): Well, in a small town it may be hard, but get over it and don't worry about what busy bodies think. You need to focus on your relationship, build it strong- lust is not a great foundation... you're going to need to build something that can stand the test of time.
I was in a similar situation, but she went back to her ex before we could get too serious. He'd left her, we'd been very close freinds since age 16, and never gotten the dating thing to line up right. It worked out better for me, less so for her... he's still a jerk.
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A
female
reader, kitty8199  +, writes (2 March 2010):
If you allow it to happen you ARE a homewrecker. He did make the commitment to her, but if you tell him no, he will keep it, until he cheats with someone else. Then you won't be the homewrecker, someone else will. Don't ruin someone else's life. Karma is a bitch, and it will come back at you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): don't be too worried about what other poeple think. You are not living your life for strangers...do what makes you happy. If you feel that you truly have a connection then go for it. Don't let this chance pass you by and you end up always regreting it.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (2 March 2010):
 If you choose to be with this man, you will be destroying the life this woman has made with him in becoming his wife. But on the other hand you will also be saving her from a man who obviously doesnt care about her enough to remain faithful. Even if this does greatly hurt this woman who has moved across the world for him, in time she will see this. If this man isnt right for her, better she find out sooner than later right?
If you really do love this man and can see yourself with him for a long time, then do it. You have to do what makes you happy. But be wary, if he has been unfaithful with one wife, it shows that he doesn't prize faithfulness above his feelings and desires. But if you do have the bond that you describe and you think he is the one, then you will have to find a way to be with him. If that means working through the repercussions of breaking up a marridge and dealing with small town people judging you then so be it. At the end of the day it is your life, not theirs.
I'd say, follow your heart, but be cautious as this is a tricky situation. Be sure you trust this man.
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