A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 29 and have been with my gf 29 for almost 2 years in the first 6 months ourt sex life was brilliant and she couldn't get enough of me then almost what seemed immediately it dropped from once every other day too once a month if I was lucky and it has made me frustrated for the last year. Intially I thought it was one of those things ( as i was being told ) but over the last few months it has caused great friction between us. It's lucky to be once a month on her intiation and then I know she is doing it to shut me up which isn't a whole lot of fun and makes me feel bad. I really don't know what to do I have tried on so many occasions to talk about it but she refuses saying it isn't a problem and she just doesn't want sex and I should deal with it or break up with her which just makes me really angry as she tells me it's my problem not hers and she is fine with it.I don't treat her any differnet to when we first started seeing each other and I feel unattractive and rejected. I have tried talking about what I can do better or this or that and she just gets angry saying I don't want you to do anything to try and make me want to have sex.. I do all my share of the housework I still do the little things occasionaly but I can't do anything out of the box becasue she say's all I am trying to do is get her to have sex with me.. it feels like a catch 22 do nothing nothing happens try things nothing happens...On top of this she is starting on the getting married route I love her but this complete lack of sex life is making me frustrated and upset and I don't think I should get married at the moment I can't see myself being happy in a sexless marriage. Apart from that I would love to marry her she is beautiful, intellignet and I love spending time with her and after 2 years we have lived together and travelled world sharing so much...This is the only thing that seems wrong and after a year I am really out of ideas. It very well could be my fault but I just don't know what the next step is...Any ideas ?Confused.
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (13 June 2008):
 Does she feel pressured? Is it that she feels she can't have a cuddle without full blown sex, so she is keeping her distance because she doesn't want to be just sex to you - not saying she is, but maybe thats how she sees it. How about just giving her some reassuring hugs, don't even mention sex, just let her see its ok to hug and be intimate in that way, until she feels less pressured. Then later on you could move slowly on. Maybe at the moment she just dreads the whole thing - or maybe she has some problem she doesn't want to discuss. Try taking her somewhere - a walk or somewhere she doesn't feelthreatened, where you can talk easily without the pressure of possible sex, and then try to help her see how much she means to you, cus she obviously does. Then you could talk to her about how much you just enjoy being with her, give her a hug, no threats of sex, just fun to be with. Then when you get home tell her how much you enjoyed that and arrange to do it again - without any sexual indications being there other than hugs. Maybe when she sees she's not just a sex object she will feel like being intimate again but it will take time. Later light a few candles, have a bath together, all those things, but without the threat of full blown sex. She may surprise you after a while and feel she wants to initiate sex more because she actually feels sexy and loved now, not just how she's feeling now. If, after that, you still get nowhere, try explaining to her how much it hurts you to be rejected, and that you have feelings too. You certainly can't get married under these conditions. That wouldn't be right either. Take your time with everything. There is no rush. You have all the time in the world. Just leave things to cool off for a while. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 June 2008):
 Eek, very sticky situation for you to be in. And if she refuses to talk about it or tells you it's your problem not hers, well, that's just not how a strong relationship is built.
Smiles is right, you do need to tell her that you don't see a future for the relationship if things continue on as they have been.
She might be perfectly happy with your current sex life, but obviously, you are not, and things are not going to get better if you two get married.
This might result in the end of your relationship with her, but you don't want this to go as it has been, and I fully agree with you that you two are not sexually compatible at the moment, so you need to have "THE TALK."
Someone once told me that it is lovemaking, sexual intimacy, that is the glue that holds a couple together, and I think there's a lot of truth in that.
So the next time she raises the marriage thing, tell her that you'd love to talk about it. Then tell her what you've told us here, that you are not happy with the current state of your sex life together, that you feel unloved and rejected. That it is a problem for you. That it needs to be dealt with, either through counseling or sex therapy for both of you.
It may just be that she really isn't that interested in sex, but likes the security of being in a relationship and the comfort of having a settled future. But that's not enough to build a marriage on, to my mind.
This may wind up being the break up blow, I have to warn you. But if you've reached the end of your tether on this, and cannot foresee a future of even less sex than you're having now, I don't see much hope for it. She has to want you, want sex too, be willing to accept your advances, be willing to work on this. It's a huge part of a healthy and happy marriage, and needs to be dealt with and mutually agreed on.
Take care, good luck, and keep us posted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): I suggest you once more talk to her, tell her how you feel, tell her hom much you love her and would want a future with her, but that you cannot see a future the way things are going, suggest you both go for therapy or counselling; should she refuse, I suggest you have no other option: MOVE ON
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