A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I would love to get opinions. I am recently married to a wonderful man, and we are very happy except one thing - we have huge arguments about his best friend. I dont want to get into too much detail about his friend,but I think i have to explain to assure you that this is not an irrational dislike. Among other things, he sleazes on to most of my female friends despite having a girlfriend - even did it to me once, although admittedly beforfe i was with my husband. He has used prostitutes behind his gfs back, is constantly sly, conniving and also has a recreational drug problem that turns him into an egomaniac. Worse, from my POV, is the way he treats my husband. Despite being best man, he refused to take on any wedding tasks beyond the speech and did not get us a wedding gift. He does not show up to important days in my husbands life when arranged, such as when he ran the marathon, and comes up with weak excuses. He cancles on him at the last minute to rearrange for the next day when we already have plans. and he has also tried to fleece us for money a few times, but always claimed it was a mistake. I am convinced, my husband insists on giving the benefit of the doubt.The problem is that my husband does not seem to see this man for what he is. He told me that he was going out with this mans sister so they could talk about how to 'help him' through his 'issues'. I told you his is a wonderful man, but this loyalty is surely to the point of a fault. I cant help but start in on him every time they have seen each other ( I stay well away) and he defends him, we have a blazing row.He says he doesnt understand my hatred and vitriol. He says that he does see this persons faults, but does not see why i get so angry about it as i dont have to see him. To be completely truthful i have considered giving him an ultimatum, although of course i really cant do that. I just dont see why someone so awful has to be part of my life and i RESENT IT! Honest opinions much appreciated. Apologies for rant.
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best friend, money, prostitute, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVery much appreciate your honest responses guys. I am going to keep a copy of these somewhere handy and read through when i feel like im going to say something i regret!!! Overall message - take a step back, let it go, let him make his own choices. here goes...
Much appreciated all of you.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 Your husband seems to be that man who tries to find the good in others when there is nothing but bad showing through on the surface. His best friend, if they've been best friends since day 1 then he's seen the good in him, it very well exists. Now, he's clinging on to that memory of his best friend being this saint and refuses to see who he has grown up to be. Rather sucks that you can't make people open up their eyes and see the light.
I agree this shouldn't be causing problems in your marriage but you can't tell your husband who he can and can't be friends with that makes you look controlling. Which you are not. I'd sit down with a serious talk with your husband and tell him "You can't help someone who can't help themselves." His best friend clearly doesn't want to correct his behavior, he's fine with who he is. It's just that every one else isn't..Maybe this intervention with his sister will help, although I'm doubtful on that. What the man needs is rehab. In fact I'd suggest that to your husband. If he could convince his best friend's sister to enroll him in rehab then your problem would be solved.
You could give him an ultimatum but you might not like his decision..it looks like you're going to have to bite your tongue and stick it out. Hope that your husband wakes up and sees his best friend's true colors, or he gets the help he needs and is emitted into rehab.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): He's your husband's friend not yours,sorry but you sound like his mother.
This friend of your husband may be of questionable character but if your husband wants to stay friends with him then that's tough luck i'm afraid.
I could maybe understand you being angry if your husband was joining in with this friends dodgy activities but he's not.
To me you just sound a bit insecure and giving him an ultimatum is pretty childish.
Your husband is an adult and if this friend is really as bad as you say then if your husband has enough intelligence he will realise eventually that this friend is no good.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (28 October 2010):
Is there no way you can just make it so that he is not part of your life? I do feel your husband has a right to be friends with whoever he wants.. and whilst he should listen to your opinion, you guys shouldn't be having huge arguments over it!
Actually your husbands friend reminds me a little of my friend and my girlfriend has sometimes made a few comments about him. But at the end of the day, me seeing him does not affect our relationship. Maybe she is a little worried about him using drugs and seeing prostitutes, but she trusts me, but she would never get in to an argument about telling me I shouldn't see him. Coz, despite his faults, he is a mate to me and I like being friends with him.
I suppose you need to ask yourself - what is it REALLY that is causing you to become so angry about this. What do you feel is causing you to have the reaction you do by this person? I mean, why would you react so badly to him cancelling appointments with your husband? That ordinarily would not cause you to react so badly.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 hah! get a large piece of cardboard and roughly cut out a man shape. Each time your husband choses his friend over plans you and he have, get the substitute out from behind the wardrobe.
I dont agree with turbine that you should behave badly around the friend, your husband has said you dont have to see him so if he comes in, you walk out, telling your husband you will give him space and time for "boy bonding" and when he is ready for you to be number one again to give you a call.
Each time your husband wants to go out to be with his friend you put out your hand, you dont like being left on your own, you would appreciate some financial assistance to catch a cab to visit YOUR friends, and because you are not sure what time he will be home you will also need some money to pay for overnight accomodation. Tell him when he is ready to spend most of his time at home so will you. He will hopefully soon get the message
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A
male
reader, turbine  +, writes (28 October 2010):
No no dont give him an ultimatum. Your husband is not right here by not listening to you and sticking to that guy. I have been in a similar situation and have learnt it the hard way. That guy will show his true colours to your husband one day or the other. Beleive me, he will back-stab your husband some day and your husband should stop showing his loyalty to him. He will remain the same bad guy all his life.
You must try to convince your husband as much as you can and make sure you dont behave well in front of that guy.
Your husband must realize that if he sticks to that guy people will soon start considering him of the same character after some days. And that guy is old enough to realize that he's wrong in every which way. You husband and his sister will not be able to mend his ways even in a hundred years.
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